(BREATHING DEEPLY)
You know what? I am the luckiest man in the world.
Aw. You are a beautiful, beautiful woman.
Aw.
You know what I was thinking?
I am not sleeping in the nude.
Why not? No.
Come on, that's the way God created us.
I'm just doing his will.
You know what, baby? I want to go to heaven.
You know, maybe I'd consider it
if we didn't have these ratty old sheets.
New sheets? Done.
Okay, off with the PJs.
You know.
Now you got me thinking.
Oh, no, no, no. No thinking. Stripping.
Yeah, yeah, if we're going to get new sheets,
we're going to need a new duvet.
No, no, no, don't start with that, honey.
And a rug. No!
Yeah, yeah.
If we get a new rug, then we're gonna have to get
a new chair because it doesn't match the rug,
and then we're going to have to paint the walls,
and then our kids are going to hate us.
Why? Because we're going to get divorced, honey.
Honey, come on.
Let's redecorate. We can do it together.
No, no, no. Yeah, yeah.
Women always say they want to do it together.
No, no, no, no, no, because you ask for my opinion,
I give you my opinion, and then you ignore it.
Oh, come on, honey. I know you don't believe this,
but I really do want your input.
This is our house.
No, no, no, it's not our house. It's my house.
It's your home, and I'm a guest here.
No, it is. It's like a three-star hotel
with so-so room service.
Come on, come on. It'll be fun.
No, I'll tell you what will be fun.
Oh, I am not sleeping in the nude.
Interesting.
I was going to say cuddle.
But you cheapened it.
Good night.
Good night.
Of course, I like it cheapened.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] Oh, baby![/span]
All right, what do you think
of this color combo for the bathroom?
You got your tile, paint, and curtains.
Rube, hold the tile up to the paint.
I'm liking it. I'm not loving it.
Yeah. Next!
Mommy, I got math homework.
Yeah, but, honey, this is something you can actually use in life.
Oh, oh, oh! Brainstorm.
BOTH: Ow!
Oh.
Quit your squawking.
Mom used to paint right on our foreheads.
CHERYL: Yeah, yeah, I still don't know.
You know, the light's better in the bathroom.
Yeah, girls, go stand in the tub.
We'll be right up.
I know, I know. Hey.
I am so glad you're home.
I wanted to show you this stuff.
This is a shower curtain.
Yeah.
What are you doing with a shower curtain?
Shower curtains don't go in the bedroom.
(EXCLAIMING) Someone's been watching [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] q*eer Eye.[/span]
Honey, when we redo the bedroom,
the bathroom's going to look shabby.
Cheryl, I thought we were doing
this decorating thing together.
That's what you said.
Okay, from now on,
I've got to sign off on everything.
Even dinner. What are we having for dinner?
Meatloaf.
Okay, approved.
Look, honey, I know I should have talked to you
about doing the bathroom,
but I just got so excited. Come here.
Come here. I want to show you something.
Okay, are you ready?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
Which do you like better,
the green tile,
or the green tile with the delicate border?
Well, I think I like the green one with the invisible border.
Okay, yeah, yeah, that's nice.
But do you think the border's too subtle?
Okay, I'll take the other one.
Oh, my God! That's the one I like!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.
Isn't it fun doing this together?
Together?
Every time you walk into the bathroom,
you will know you decorated it.
Cheryl.
Jim, Jim, uh-oh.
I'm about to be brilliant.
You know what'd be perfect for your new bathroom?
The Royal Flush XP toilet system.
CHERYL: Oh, God.
The Royal Flush XP?
That's the champagne of toilets.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is that that hideous toilet
that they show in all those commercials?
Yes. "Designed for NASA, now a favorite
"for sports figures and world leaders."
Andy, can you please tell them
what separates the Royal Flush XP
from other toilets?
"The answer is technology.
"It has an ergonomic heated seat
"and an atomizer with your choice of scents.
"You can try and find a better toilet, but..."
BOTH: "Nothing beats a Royal Flush."
(BOTH IMITATE TOILET FLUSHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That was very impressive.
Let me ask you guys something.
Who's your Congressman?
(EXCLAIMS)
Yeah, that's what I thought.
The Royal Flush. That is a great idea.
It is, isn't it? What a great idea.
I knew she'd like it. But let me just show you this.
This is classic porcelain.
You've got your white,
or if you really want to throw caution to the wind...
Off-white.
(CHUCKLES)
Cheryl, you can't do it, can you?
What? You just can't...
She can't do it, can she?
Nope. She's incapable.
Yes, incapable. That's the word.
Cheryl, it's obvious that you don't really want input from me.
Oh. You just want me to go along
with what you want.
And what you really want is you want a sidekick
with a credit card who agrees with everything you say.
Oh, come on.
No, Cheryl, I mean, I like this toilet,
and you don't want it.
You know what that makes you?
It makes you a hypocrite. (GASPS)
I am not a hypocrite.
I am wonderful. You can ask anybody.
Dana? Wonderful.
(EXCLAIMS)
Andy, is she being a hypocrite?
Well, she's either a hypocrite
or a hypocrite with a delicate border.
Yeah. Yeah, Cheryl. Come on. Just admit it.
You just want what you want.
That is not true.
Yes, it is true, honey. It is.
You're being a hypocrite.
Well, you're being a fun-k*ll.
Fun-k*ll? Yeah, fun-k*ll.
Fun-k*ll?
Because for your information,
I already went down to Bathopolis
and ordered your stupid toilet.
You already ordered it?
You ordered that chrome monster?
Do I have to start signing off on things now, too?
Yes, Dana, I ordered it.
And now Jim has ruined the surprise.
Wow, I had no idea.
Well...
The Royal Flush XP!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Man, if it weren't for your receding hairline
and sleeping with my sister,
I'd trade places with you right now.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, Cheryl, I got the most wonderful wife in the world,
and now I got the most wonderful toilet in the world.
"Your bowl runneth over."
Cheryl, Cheryl, I just...
I'm just so surprised and so happy.
You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm going to whip up something
that goes with that meatloaf, okay?
A little side dish.
Oh, I know.
What kind of cereal do you want?
No, no, no, I'm going to surprise you.
Hey, I'll cut up some fruit.
Oh, no, you didn't hear that.
Cheryl, I cannot believe you bought that thing.
Dana. We spent all this time
trying to create a tasteful bathroom.
I may as well have just gone into work today.
Dana. I can't believe you got that for him.
I didn't.
You lied? Yes.
'Cause he called me a hypocrite, and he was right,
and I hate it when he's right.
So, I panicked.
Hey, you want to go with me
to buy a really, really ugly toilet?
(SIGHS)
All right, I guess I'll just take off work again.
I'll tell them Grandma's a fighter.
But she said...
Oh, my God. There it is.
Look at this. I can't believe it.
I'm going to be a proud owner of a Royal Flush XP.
Finally, something for your high school newsletter.
Yeah.
I can't believe Cheryl actually bought this for me.
Hey, uh, Jim, I know we haven't, um...
Uh-uh. Discussed the particulars...
Uh-uh.
Oh, come on, Jim. I assume I'll be able to...
No, no! It's mine!
Yes! That means yes.
I know you want me to use it. You want me to use it.
Once a week you get it. All right.
Gentlemen, welcome to Bathopolis,
your bathroom superstore.
(EXCLAIMS) Drooling over the XP, are we?
Well, not for long.
He's getting one, and I get to use it.
Really? How long were you on the waiting list?
What? What waiting list?
No, my wife told me yesterday
that she called here and ordered one.
That's impossible.
We're completely out of stock.
We stopped taking orders two months ago.
What?
(IN SING SONG VOICE) But I can show you a nice bidet.
We're not here for a... Ooh, I love that color.
I'll take one.
Great. I'll write that up.
Oh, I feel terrible.
I'm such an impulse buyer.
I should... Ooh, steam shower.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Something is going on here. Something's wrong.
She told me she ordered the Royal Flush from here.
Hey, why don't you ask her?
She's right over there with Dana.
Hi, I'm looking for the Royal Flush XP.
Uh, you can't get it.
What do you mean, "you can't get it"?
I already lied to my husband and told him I bought it.
LENNY: I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
But I can show you a nice bidet.
What? No. Oh.
Well, somebody's lying, and it ain't me this time.
Hey, congratulations.
You finally deserve the moral high ground
instead of just claiming it.
Let's bust her.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She's still digging.
Let's see how deep the hole goes.
There's your XP right there.
Oh, God.
It's even more hideous than I thought.
DANA: Yeah.
Look, my sister's really in a pickle here.
We need to have that toilet.
Can you give me a second?
Yeah.
Thanks so much, sweetie.
Listen, um, Lenny, my sister is gorgeous,
she drinks, and she's on the rebound.
So I go home with the toilet,
you go home with her.
Madam, this is Bathopolis, not Gomorrah.
CHERYL: There's got to be something we can do.
LENNY: No can do-ski.
CHERYL: Okay, but, okay, okay, there's none here,
but how about another store?
Oh, no, steam.
Oh, hey. It's going to get muggy in here,
and I'm wearing wool worsted pants.
Are you trying to get me busted? Be quiet.
I don't know what the plan is, but I say we should abort.
Shut up. Shut up.
LENNY: I've already checked the tri-state area.
CHERYL: I will drive to Milwaukee if I have to, okay?
Anyplace east of the Mississippi.
LENNY: The only one's in Guam.
CHERYL: Oh, I get it. I get it. You're kidding.
Hey, how about we call the factory?
No.
Do you sell them used?
(GASPING)
(SHUSHING) I'm trying to hear. I'm trying to hear.
I was going to have steamed clams for lunch.
Isn't that ironic?
(SHUSHING)
Hey, I know. I know. How about you just
sort of sneak me the names and numbers
of the people you've sold them to?
(PANTING) These clothes, they're strangling me.
Take them off. Take them off. Just take them off.
Jesus! It's hot in here.
That's what I've been telling you.
I know it's hot. (SHUSHING)
Hey! What are you doing? You can't take your pants off like that.
What if somebody comes in?
Andy, Andy, stop it, stop it, stop it.
I can't take it, Jim. My guts are cooking.
Shut up.
Now, I'm not saying I would ever, ever do this,
but just say I had a g*n to your head.
No, I can't. I can't.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
(SHUSHING)
Well, that it. I'm screwed.
Well, at least you don't have to live with this ugly toilet.
Dana, you don't understand.
If I don't come home with this toilet,
there'll be no end to Jim's "well, well, wells."
Andy, Andy, I never say that.
You always say that.
Now get me the hell out of here.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I guess I'm just going to have to tell Jim the truth.
Ah, truth is for healthy marriages.
Oh, my God. It is hot in here.
That's what I've been telling you.
Now let me out of here.
(SHUSHING) Be quiet, will you?
(SHUSHING)
Look, he's a guy. You just have to distract him
with something else he'll like better.
You know, he is pretty easily distracted.
Yeah, a bowl of pudding and a shiny set of keys ought to do the trick.
Well, well, well.
I've got something on my wife,
and she doesn't know it.
I'm going to have fun with this one.
(LAUGHING)
I want out! Do you hear me?
Stop it! Stop it! I can't stand it.
No! No!
Be quiet.
I'm going to pop like a dumpling!
I need water! I need cold water!
No, no water.
What are you doing?
Ah! Ah! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Jeez.
Okay, they're gone. Come on.
Stay cool, stay cool. Pick up your stuff.
Ooh.
(EXCLAIMS)
Uh, you paying by cash or check?
Oh. Check.
By the way, if you two are moving in together,
we got a registry.
Okay, she's coming.
Okay, okay.
Game face. Put your game face on.
Wow, look at here, Andy.
The Royal Flush actually puts the seat back down
when you're done.
Now, how many arguments is that going to save?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, and it's the official toilet
of the Swedish monarchy.
Some of the cleanest people in the world.
Yes, yes. Hey, honey.
You know, since we're redecorating,
I was thinking about
a plasma TV for the bedroom. Huh?
Look at that guy watching baseball.
How happy is he?
I don't know.
A plasma TV, the Royal Flush.
God, if there was a fire, I wouldn't know what to save.
(LAUGHS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, Jim.
Are you saying that you can afford a Royal Flush XP
and a plasma TV?
No, you're right. One has to go.
Ah, well, I'm thinking you'll go for the plasma TV.
You'd think. Yeah.
Nah, toilet.
Okay, I'm going to go upstairs
and say goodbye to my old porcelain friend.
Honey, honey, wait, just one more thing.
Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, newspaper under the arm.
The countdown has begun.
Okay, but, but...
What do you think, honey...
What do you think of a mini-fridge in the living room?
A mini-fridge in the living...
Cold beers in here?
I wouldn't have to go into the kitchen. No.
But how would Ruby and Gracie get their exercise?
Yeah, you're right. Nah, toilet.
Okay, Jim, hey, um, um...
How about a steam shower?
No. Bad experience.
You know, a steam shower would be awesome,
but you know what?
So is the Royal Flush. That's awesome, too.
How about sex with another woman?
You or me?
Nah, toilet.
Dana, I've tried everything.
Jim is not budging off of that toilet.
I mean, so to speak.
Yeah.
My only two options now are telling him the truth
or leaving him.
(GASPS) I know this great bar. Totally hot guys.
You're a little old, but they keep it dark.
Hey.
Andy, what... What... Hey!
That's our toilet.
Not anymore. Now it's a planter for my front porch.
Yep, Jim's upstairs installing the Royal Flush XP.
What? That's not possible.
Why? You said you ordered it, right?
Well, yeah, but...
Yep, as soon as he gets that modem set up,
that thing's going to be online.
So what are you going to plant in that thing?
I'm not sure yet,
but I know it's going to grow.
Whoa!
Welcome to the future.
Toilet, seat up.
Toilet, music.
(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)
So, uh, where'd this thing come from?
From my wonderful wife, right?
Right.
You know, that's what I love about you.
You ask me my opinion, and you listen.
Yeah, I can't dance to toilet music.
Oh, fine.
All right, here. Why don't you sit down?
No, no, come on, try it out.
I want you to experience the XP's unsurpassed comfort
and beverage holder.
Ah.
DEEP MALE VOICE: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Hello, Cheryl.[/span]
Oh, my God!
It knows my name?
Yeah, yeah. It's weight-sensitive.
I programmed it. Listen.
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Hello, Jim.[/span]
Hello.
Is that James Earl Jones?
Yeah, yeah.
Don't you just love the way his voice resonates
around the sides of the bowl?
It kind of tickles me.
You know what? And get this,
it comes with a lifetime guarantee, Cheryl.
That means we'll never need a new toilet.
Ever, ever, ever.
Jim... And you know what? When I die,
Kyle will inherit the throne,
just like Shakespeare.
Come on over here. Sit with me. Come on, come on.
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Hello, Andy.[/span]
I got Andy, too.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, you know what?
Enough!
What?
What, aren't you enjoying the toilet
that the both of us picked out together?
Stop it, stop it, all right?
I lied.
Is that what you want to hear?
I am a great big hypocrite.
Why, Cheryl, why?
What would drive a common housewife to lie to her husband?
Because you were right.
Because I don't care about your stupid opinions.
I just want you to tell me
that everything I choose is perfect,
because, Jim, this is my house.
I clean it. I keep it in order.
It's mine, not yours, not James Earl Jones's, mine!
Go ahead, say it.
What?
"Well, well, well."
I don't need to, Cheryl.
[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Well, well, well.[/span]
Uh, just a little option that I splurged on.
All right, your point is made. You win.
Now can we get rid of it?
No, no. No way. No way.
Oh.
This will stand as a chrome monument
and a timeless message to women everywhere.
Don't ask your man for his opinion
unless you really want it.
I promise I will never show you another paint sample.
Or? Or...
Or take you to another sofa showroom.
Or? Or ask you
for your decorative opinion on anything ever again.
Thank you. I will be happy not to be there for you.
(LAUGHS)
Now, let me show you this.
Oh, honey...
Come on, really, really.
It's got an adjustable seat, okay?
It's got a night light.
Ew!
And it's self-cleaning.
What? Self-cleaning.
What? Yeah.
Self-cleaning? Why didn't you open with that?
I love that.
Oh, wow.
(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)
(GIGGLING)