04x06 - Casey Patrol

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Doom Patrol". Aired: February 2019 to present.
A team of traumatized and downtrodden superheroes comes together to investigate weird phenomena.
Post Reply

04x06 - Casey Patrol

Post by bunniefuu »


♪ Hell yeah ♪

♪ Steel ♪

- ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Sharpens steel ♪

♪ Steel sharpens steel... ♪

[JANE GASPS] What the f...

- [GASPS] Lar.
- Jane?

- ♪ Ooh yeah ♪
- ♪ Sharpen ♪

♪ Steel sharpens steel... ♪

I just had the craziest dream.

You were there.

Vic was there, f*cking
Willoughby was there,

and I...

I was a f*cking baby.

Oh, it was all real.

The parties, the pool,
getting turned into a baby.

You were a fussy, little stinker, too.

I was starting to get worried
you'd be stuck like that.

I've been big for hours.

- Sorry that sounded weird.
- Then Willoughby...

- He reversed the spell.
- I guess he made it to pound town after all.

Ha! Good for him.

But it looks like he reversed
the spell a little extra for you.


[WHISPERING] There was an evil bunny.

It took my longevity!

That Dickensian dickwad
double-crossed us.

That means that Immortus is about
to wipe their ass with our reality.

Where is everyone?

We have... We have to stop this.

We have to get my longevity back.

[CLIFF] Can't. I'm in
the middle of putting in

an Holley double pumper.


This is code-f*cking-red!

- [CLIFF] Hey!
- Look at my hair!


I feel like shit! My chest hurts.

It's just acid reflux.
Welcome to middle age.

[JANE] Are you serious right now?

What if I'm f*cking dying?

[CLIFF] You wouldn't be the only one.



Look, I'm sorry I left you when I did.

If it makes you feel any better,

I didn't get very far before
my brain went all goo-goo-gaga,

and I drove into a ditch.

But when I turned back to
normal, I went right back for you.

There you were, a little baby

crying outside the
pool center, all alone.

That's the kind of thing that
sends a guy straight into dad panic.

Everything just snaps into focus.

I know you think I'm dealing
with my Parkinson's like a champ,

but trust me, a death
sentence never really leaves

the top of your mind.

All I can think about is
how much time I have left

to leave little Rory
something to remember me by.

I hate to break it to you,

but you don't just
get to drop everything

because of some stupid epiphany.

That's not how this works!

As someone who's been staring
death in the face for a while,

take my advice.

Figure out what's left for you to do

and use every second
you have left to do it.

Because this shit won't
stop to wait for you.


You know what?


f*ck you, too.


- What's wrong with you, Pop-Pop?


Relax. It's just me, Rory.

What the f*ck?



I'm a little low on funds right now,

but I'll get some money
from somebody for gas.

And I'll mail you back your
clothes once I've washed them.

You can keep the clothes, Vic.

I just... I know this isn't how
you wanted to spend your Saturday...

I mean, it's fine.

But I gotta ask, of all the places
on Earth you could have hid out,

why my place? All the way in Detroit?

Look, man, it was a
weird night, even for us.

It's not every day we get
h*t with a youth spell.

Transmutation magic, huh?

That's some level- -sorcery shit.


Just another day in
the life of a superhero.

Hey, I need to talk to Kay.

Look at my hair! Things are f*cked!

I need to make sure she's safe!

What the f*ck are you doing?

Kay gave everybody a puzzle.

So, you're just going
to sit here and f*ck off

while the Grim Reaper
slobbers down our neck?

It's what the girl wants.

Yeah, and so did trauma.


Take it back.

You know, they're not the same.

Well, if Kay thinks I'm gonna
spend my last days on Earth

doing a f*cking puzzle,

she's even crazier than I am.

You know what?

f*ck all this.

You want to roll over
and die without a fight?

Be my guest.

I'm going out with a bang.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, f*ck!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

God, the disrespect with
these f*cking creatures.



[GROANS] Did we sleep here all night?

Well, evidently, we turned to babies

before the bus came.

So, either we were too small
for the bus driver to see us,

or the human race really is
lacking in any common decency.

The good news is, obviously, the
spell was reversed at some point,


But is there another bus coming?

- I'm ready to go home.
- Home?

Well, what about what we
talked about last night?

What about the mission?

I'm afraid that was just the
virility of youth speaking.

All I want to do now is just lay down,

maybe make some peanut brittle.

Oh, f*ck your peanut brittle.
Here, that is not the Rita I know.

Get that coffee down you, and
we will get your longevity back,

and save the universe in the process.

Now, I have been thinking,

Willoughby said that all of this is tied

to the Caulder Immortus Project, right?

Well, I suspect that
someone in the Bureau

picked up where Caulder left off.

They found what he couldn't.

A way to actually conjure this Immortus,

whatever the f*ck it is.

Now, if we're going to stop this,

we're going to have to go
back to where this all began.

Oh. Now, hold on.

- You want to go to the Bureau?
- Yeah.

[GASPS] After everything
that happened to both of us...

You can't be serious.

Our friends are in danger, Rita,
and we are heroes, are we not?

Ugh! Fine.


Now, how do we get in?

Why are you asking me?

Mmm. 'Cause you're the leader.

I am not in the mood to be patronized.

- We both know where I stand with the team.
- Oh, please.

My promotion was simply what was needed

for one particular task, and
it was a shite task at that.

Now, you know, if I'm honest, I
would rather be a supporting role.

Hell of a lot less pressure.

So, what's the plan, boss?



What the hell is going on?

Where are you taking me?


Hey, buddy, now'd be a great time to,

I don't know, blast
these guys into oblivion?

Not exactly the energy I'm looking for.


- Release him.
- Rama.

He's my target.

I'll bring him to The Sacrarium myself.



Whoa, whoa!

[EXHALES] Thank God.

[RAMA] Let's get out of here.

We need to cut a portal back to Earth.

[LARRY] Did you just
say "back to Earth"?

Where the hell are we?

A pocket dimension called Orqwith.

And those are the Scissormen,

its powerful, but mindless custodians.

This way.

The others sent them because they felt

I was taking too long, I imagine.

- Taking too long to what?
- To bring you here and extract your longevity.

That's the only thing
that matters to them.

"Extract my longevity"?

Wait. Is that what happened to Rita?

What the hell is going on here, Rama?


You need to tell me exactly
what Immortus is. Now.

Immortus is hope.

Look, each of us had some desperate
wish we'd all but given up on.

And then Immortus found us.

He showed each of us a vision of
the possibilities that lie before us.

He called upon us to
usher him onto this plane.

And when he arrives,
he will rewrite history

and make all our wishes come true.

You mean like a genie?

You're describing a genie.

Well, everyone has a wish.

Even you.

Perhaps to never again
be separated from Keeg?

What makes you so sure Immortus
even has that kind of power?

You know that temple we just saw?

The entire thing rose from the Earth

when Dr. Janice deposited
Rita's longevity.

If that's not evidence of enormous
power, I don't know what is.

I feel like I shouldn't have to
tell you this, but when a bone temple

spontaneously sprouts from the
ground, it's not usually a good sign.

We all have to put
our faith in something.

Then why did you just rescue me?

Because hurting people
wasn't part of the plan.

I'm afraid in their zeal, the
others have forgotten that.

You said, that you would help me find

another way to stabilize my molecules.

Did you mean it?

Of course.

Nobody has more experience getting
out of impossible situations

than my friends and I.

After we stop Immortus, we'll help you.

I promise.

You can put your faith in me, Rama.

You have my faith, Larry Trainor.


[RORY] What about what Willoughby said?

Immortus sounded like real bad news.

He already hurt Rita
and Jane. Who's next?

[CLIFF] Will you shut up?

I'm not taking any advice from a
manifestation of my diseased brain.

And in case you missed
it, I'm doing this for you.

Well, the real you, anyway.

This chariot's gonna be all yours.

[RORY] You aren't
fooling anybody, Pop-Pop.

If you really cared about me, you'd
be on a bus to Florida right now.

All you're doing is burying your fear

in something you think you can control.

You know who else used to do that?

[CLIFF] Listen to me, Hamburger Helper.

Do not go there.

[RORY] Your daddy, that's who.

completely different.

Unlike him, I know I'm a bad person.

I also know I don't have
enough time to fix myself.

But I do have enough
time to fix this car.

I'm going to prove to you that I am
capable of creating more than pain.

I can create something beautiful, too.

[RORY] Come with me, Pop-Pop.
I wanna show you something.

[RORY] You could've squished
this little guy, but you didn't.

In fact, you risked a lot to save him.

Is that something a bad person would do?

[CLIFF] Well, it is a Zombie Butt.

In hindsight, saving it was probably
not the best idea. [CHUCKLES]

"Hindsight." Get it? [LAUGHS]

[RORY] The point is, despite all
your mistakes, you are a good person.

The proof is right here.


[CLIFF] Larry?


- It's open.





I honestly didn't know if
I'd ever hear from you again.

- Love your hair, by the way.
- Oh.

Tell me, what sort of, uh, mischief
have you been getting up to?


- Just, um, doing a lot of thinking.
- Ah.

I've been doing a lot
of thinking about...



I've been thinking about you, too.

And I wanted to give you
space to take the leap.

Then I started worrying maybe you
took that as a lack of interest.

I decided I have to stop
living for other people.

I have to start living for myself.

That's a big step for you, Jane.

Kay must be doing very...

I have to start going after what I want.

And what do you want?


It's okay.

Let's just take our time.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- No.

I want this.

I'm ready.

I've wanted this for a long time.

Jane. Jane.


Why can't I do this? What
the f*ck is wrong with me?

It's okay. I know how
complicated this is for you.

No, you don't.

You have no idea.

- Nobody does.
- That's simply not true.

But I do think it's time,
maybe, that you got real help.


I don't have time for that.



I'm just so tired of fighting.

Why does every single
thing have to be so painful?

Why does everything have
to be such a f*cking battle?

I'm so sorry.

You don't deserve all this pain.



I'm not ready to die.


What the f*ck?

Larry? It is you. How'd you do that?

- Cliff. Thank God you're...
- What are you doing here?

Please don't tell me that we're
adopting another super villain.

I'm no villain.

- I'm a man of many...
- Many elements.

- Yeah, I know.
- [LARRY] No, you can trust him.

He's a good man. He's proven that to me.

Are we talking about the
same dude who dropped us

into a f*re pit and kidnapped Keeg?

'Cause that dude, still on my shitlist!

Look, he didn't kidnap... Look,
we have an understanding now.

I trust him.

Wait. Am I sensing sexual tension here?

What? No. I mean...

- We haven't crossed that bridge, but...
- There's a bridge?

I'm here to help you stop Immortus.

f*ck! No, not this again.

Wait, you're in danger, too.

The agents of Immortus still
need your longevity and Jane's,

and they'll stop at nothing to get it.

Oh, they already got Jane's.

[LARRY] Wait, that means
we're the last two pieces.

We have to stop this
before it's too late.

Because if Immortus rises,
we'll all... [GROANS]


- [CLIFF] Woah!
- No!




The guy got totally catfished.

He lost the asset to a
couple of con artists.

Butthunter, more like buttloser.


Buttloser. That's f*cking gold.

Some grade-A team work there, Bendy.

[RITA] Looks like
we've still got a little

of the old piffle-paffle after all.

- [JANITOR] Bingo.

Still don't know why I had
to be the craggy, old janitor.

[RITA] Would you prefer to
be the bucket of dirty water?

Point taken.



Well, that's not getting any easier.

Well, this place sure
wasn't on my mail route.

Where are we?

Section , colloquially
referred to as a vineyard.

Projects so dangerous or
foolhardy, they d*ed on the vine,

or were unceremoniously
nipped in the bud.

Most of Caulder's
initiatives ended up here.

I suspect the Immortus
Project is no different.

"Imhotep... "

"Immolation Project."


Last checked out January th, .

Checked by asset .

That's, uh... A d*ad
end. Let's turn back.

What? No. We are in
the middle of a mission,

and if I may say, we
are crushing it so far.

Oh, we can send someone else.

This mission is best-suited to
Vic, anyway, or perhaps Jane.

Hey, what's gotten into you? Talk to me.

It's... Wally,


Wally Sage.


- On your knees!
- Malcolm!


It all started here with Wally.

Malcolm's death.

You losing your
longevity, Immortus rising.

I put him here.

This is all happening because of me.

It's not your fault,
you can't control...

How could it not be my fault?


I doomed him and countless
others to this hell.

And now my past has
returned to exact penance.

How could I think I ever deserved
anything in life but pain?

No. No.

You're not going to cr*ck on me now.

We are going to stop this.

If that means confronting our past,
then that's what we have to do.

Okay. Well, I don't
know if you've noticed,

but I actually hate confronting my past.

Listen to me.

I'm the leader.

That means you have to do what I say.

You're going to take us to Wally's
cell, and that's all there is to it.



What is this?

Yo, some kind of energy vortex?


Mmm. f*ck.

Cliff. You all right, man?

- What happened?
- It took Larry. [GROANS]

[DERICK] Yo, is this a portal?

- Y'all got portals here now?
- That's not one of ours.

Don't get too close.

Look, man, this is the kind of
superhero shit I was talking about.

[SOBS] Why?

[VIC] Looks like some
kind of magic realm.

If Larry's in trouble in
there, I've got to help him.

It's kind of my job.

- Vic, you're not a superhero.
- Go home.

I'll Venmo you that gas money.

Hey, what are you...

Oh, for f*ck's sake,

that was our only good Kn*fe!


Derick. I told you to go home.

Oh, man! Oh, my...

What the hell are you doing here, man?

- I told you this was...
- Some superhero shit.

Yeah, I know.

But you left before I could remind
you, you ain't a superhero anymore.

Matter of fact, less than hours
ago, I was changing your diapee,

- In case you forgot.
- I didn't forget.

And I'd appreciate it if you
never brought that up again.

Okay. Just... Just stay close.



And don't touch anything.


What on Earth?

[RITA] Oh, this place isn't right.

There's, um... There's a darkness here.

[WHISPERING] And It smells really bad.

Okay. You don't have to do this.

This is my hair shirt.

I can do it alone.

We're a team.



[RITA] Hmm.

Besides, it doesn't look like he's here.

[MADAME ROUGE] Well, there's
no doubt this is his work.

Oh, my God.

It's Malcolm.

- [MAN] I recognize you.


[DERICK] Hell. This place is
something else, to say the least.

So, you're just going
to pout the whole time,

'cause things didn't go your way?

Same old Vic, huh?

It's not like that.

Then why do I feel like I'm
getting the silent treatment?

Because I'm scared, man.

You've got a whole
family, and I don't know

- if I can protect you in here.
- Well, then who's protecting you?

That's different. I signed up for this.

Why did you come to my house last night?

- I told you. It was...
- No. I'll tell you why.

It's because you know I got you.

No matter what.

You really think that's going to change

just because you went
AWOL for a few years?

- Please, man.
- Derick. Derick.

Derick. Look, man, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I never tried
to meet you halfway.

I never tried to understand how
things were for you back home.

No, man.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have put
all that blame on you.

I just wish we could go
back in time, you know.

Deep down, that's the
real reason I came back.

Is that why you got
rid of your tech, too?

We should keep moving.

[DERICK] You know, the
kids from my robotics club

flipped when I told them that me
and Cyborg were boys back in the day.

You know, that shit's inspiring.

Inspires my kids every day.

Inspires me, too.

I really appreciate you saying that, D.

The point is, no matter
how far you drift,

you'll always be connected
to where we came from.

At the end of the day,
you'll always be one of us.

Detroiticons for life?

Detroiticons for life.



[JANE] f*ck off.

[CLIFF] You still want to
f*ck those Immortus jerks up?

Can I come in?




I guess I, uh... I owe you an apology.

I got sucked straight up my own
ass, and I forgot what matters.

Yeah, and what's that exactly?

You're really gonna make me say it?



What matters is being
there for the people I love.

There, I said it. Happy?

I don't know if I deserve to be loved.


I hate to break it to you,
but if people want to love you,

there isn't really anything
you can do to stop them.

So, you want to go f*ck these
Immortus chumps up, or what?

You bet your copper-plated ass.


Jesus. What the hell happened to you?

They found us.

They got Bunbury.

Oh. You mean the bunny
who stole my longevity?

He was on our side.

He was one of the Knights Templar.

We were trying to protect your
longevity from the agents of Immortus.

We didn't stand a chance.

I've never seen such power.

Cliff, we have to get you to safety.

If they get your longevity, that's it.

It's all over.

And why the f*ck would
we ever trust you again?

Oh, I'm sorry. Were you the one
that reversed the youth spell?

No. So, look. These f*ck get stronger

with every ounce of longevity
they get from you twats.

They made the most powerful
wizards in the known universe

look like a bunch

of prepubescent pixies.

This is all that's left of
the little pebble-dropper.

All right. Well, how do we stop them?

[ANGRILY] You're not paying attention.

This isn't some thr*at you
can just punch into submission.

Yeah, well, everything you're saying

just makes me want to
kick their asses even more.

- Cliff?
- Right on, sister.

Godspeed, you irascible f*ck.

Is that the end? Yo, we made it.


[DERICK] Yo, who the
hell are those guys?

[VIC] No idea.

We've got to get past them
if we want to get inside.


You want to go inside Castle Grayskull?

Yo, Larry's got to be in there.

We got to figure out
a way to take them out.

Weird. Look, this flower's made of
newsprint, like, actual newsprint.

There's no way it could
have evolved like this.

You remember when we used
to play D&D at Calvin's?

- Pettiest dungeon master ever?
- Exactly.

But eventually we realized
that to complete our mission,

we had to play Calvin against himself.

- We gamed the system.
- Mmm-hmm.

Everything in a D&D campaign
exists because the DM put it there.

Everything has a purpose.

Eureka! What if this whole
place was created by somebody?

I mean, there's got to be a reason

they have pen and paper everywhere.

And you said this
place was magic, right?


Holy shit.

I think I know how we can
get past those scissor guys.

But I'm gonna need your help.

Oh. Almost... Almost got it.

Honestly, can't we just
question him through the door?

Uh, we're getting him out of here, Rita.

What? This is not a rescue mission.

Well, I can't just leave him behind.

He's suffered enough.

He's suffered?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Just tell us what we need to know.

Where is Orqwith?

What is Orqwith? Is that
where Immortus rises?

[SIGHS] Answer me!

[WALLY] It's where all ideas are born...

and all the bad ideas die.

Is Immortus there? How
do we stop this, Wally?

- Oh.

[WHISPERING] We have to go.

No, I can't leave him.
I'm not leaving him.

You cannot make this right.

- Well, I have to try!
- [WALLY] It's too late.

Immortus rises.


Come on, Wally.

[WALLY] So much pain.

It will all be over soon.

We didn't come here to hurt you, Wally.

Please, come.


You already hurt me.




- Rita.
- Every new beginning...

must start with an ending.





[LARRY] What the hell?

Why the hell did you bring me back here?

Keeg, answer me!

Don't let them do this.

They'll take my longevity.

Then what? [GROANS]



Keeg, please.

Why won't you stop them?



Oh, thank God. Wait. What are you...


No! No! Keeg.

Help me!

Help me, Keeg!

I'm sorry.

My radiation is leaking.

I don't know what to do.

But I guess you do.

Oh, God.

That's what future Keeg
showed you, isn't it?

You think you have to
destroy me to save the world,

but you don't have to worry about that.

We stopped The Buttpocalypse, and
we'll stop whatever comes next.

Just like we stopped The Brain,

and the Decreator, Mr. Nobody.

It never ends, does it?

You're afraid it's inevitable.

You think Immortus can
keep us together forever.

You really believe that, don't you?


they can have my longevity.

[GROANING] I trust you, Keeg.

I trust you.

Ooh. Now, that's badass.

Yeah, I'm thinking of the
shoulder-mounted laser turret

- to round it off.
- Uh-huh.


I think that's our cue.

Let's do this.




It's working.

Yes! Yes!



[ROBOT] Mr. Invincible online.

All systems go. Awaiting orders.

You do the honors, man.

Go take out those scissor guys.

[ROBOT] Mission accepted.

[VIC] I used to dream of Mr.
Invincible coming to life.

We did that.


- Rita.
- What happened?

What did I do? What...

Where... Where is he?



- What happened to Wally?
- I'm afraid you...

- I smushed him?
- We don't know that for sure. Um...

You know, he could
have escaped, somehow.

No. I...

I k*lled him. I know it.

[VOICE ALARM SYSTEM] Intruders detected.

Intruders detected.

- Rita.
- Mmm.

We have got to get out of here.

Intruders detected.

[MR. INVINCIBLE] Put down your w*apon.

You have five seconds to comply.

[CLIFF] Hey, I always
wanted to say that!

[JANE] Will you focus?

- [MR. INVINCIBLE] Five...
- [JANE] What's with the mini keg, anyway?

[CLIFF] I'm not taking
any chances this time.

- [MR. INVINCIBLE] Four...
- My special hand is meant for loving only.

- [MR. INVINCIBLE] Three...
- Ew.

[CLIFF] Which one's on our side?

- [JANE] My money's on the bot.

He's outnumbered, and he
has a huge stick up his ass.

Sounds like a kindred spirit.

- [CLIFF] Good enough for me.



[CLIFF] Um...

- What...
- What the shit?


Well, shit.


Look alive, Cliffasaurus.

[CLIFF] Uh, I think it's worth
noting that whatever God of this place

that just k*lled that robot
can definitely k*ll this robot.

[JANE] Who are these choads?

Hey, you guys look steamy.

Are we interrupting a bath time?


Yeah. Cool bathrobes.

Got any in XXL?


Cliff Steele.

I'm Wally Sage.

You're the final piece of the puzzle.

- [CLIFF] Whoops! Didn't see that coming.

We got this.

These guys are nothing but a
bunch of Tim Burton rejects.

Not like a horde of rabid Zombie Butts.

- [RORY] Hey, Pop-Pop.
- Let's just stay cool, little buddy.

Now is not a good time.

- [RORY] Pop-Pop.

Did you remember to close
the freezer all the way?

[CLIFF] What?

Who the hell are you talking to?

[CLIFF] Oh, f*ck.


- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Nobody knew her name ♪

♪ But she turned up just the same ♪

♪ There was a knock on the door ♪

♪ A thump on the floor ♪

♪ And the party turned insane ♪


♪ She called out her name ♪


♪ And she walked in ♪
♪ Looking like dynamite ♪

♪ She said now come along ♪
♪ Boogaloo through the night ♪

♪ And by the way ♪
♪ She's moving well, dynamite ♪

♪ Might she not ♪
♪ With all she's got ♪

♪ She's got the whole town ♪
♪ Lighting up dynamite ♪

♪ Nobody quite knowing ♪
♪ What to do wrong or right ♪

♪ But they all know ♪
♪ Dyna Is Dynamite ♪

♪ And they're right ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
Post Reply