4x16 - While You Weren't Sleeping

[bunniefuu]

Gossip Girl here.

Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

Perjury is a felony, and Lily could be spending a lot of time in jail if say, I were to tell everybody.

Lily and my date used to date, but that was a long time ago.

I'll do whatever it takes to stay in the company.

If Lily is an obstacle, I'll handle it.

Nothing is sacred to you.

That's not true.

You are sacred to me.

I've seen all I needed to see.

I suggested that you be promoted to replace me.

Congratulations.

Stefano's giving you a trial run starting now.

We are not friends.

Just because we went to go see a movie Or five together does not mean that I'll go out on a limb for you.

What about your family? What if us being together drives them all away? I don't think it will, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if you are.

And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

X.

O.

X.

O.

Gossip Girl.

Mick, Keith, and their questionably costumed cohorts said, "you can't always get what you want," but that doesn't mean it's okay for anyone else to have it either.

It's just toast.

But it's perfect.

It's the perfect amount of toasty.

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry if we kept you up last night.

We were playing Scrabble.

She fell asleep to avoid losing.

Since when do you enjoy scrabble? Do you want some coffee? I made it.

Be careful.

She makes it strong.

She's giving staten Island Correctional a run for its money.

No, thanks.

I'm actually craving some Zibetto's.

You're gonna go all the way to midtown for coffee? Yeah, yeah, I have a meeting lunch up there anyway.

So see you guys later.

I should get going, too.

I agreed to so I could help plan Eric's 18th birthday party.

And I can't show up in yesterday's clothes.

Well, tell him I say congratulations and to be careful now that he's old enough to be tried as an adult.

Actually, I was hoping maybe you could come to the party and tell him yourself.

I'm not going to your mother's, Serena.

I'm not eating her food or drinking her wine or smiling and pretending that everything's okay.

I know.

I don't forgive her either.

I just We'll hang out when you're done.

I wished for chills on my birthday, but not thanks to the flu.

Well, looks like I'll be ushering in adulthood with warm tea and flat ginger ale.

Oh, we'll have to celebrate another time.

Oh, I need to get to this meeting.

Get some rest, okay? And I'll call everyone when I get home and cancel the party.

How's the patient? Do I need to change my breakfast with Thurston? No.

He's gonna be fine.

I wish I could say the same about this meeting.

Stay strong.

I know you'll do great.

Okay, I try not to meddle in Dorota's duties, but don't you think you're taking it a bit too far? Marie Antoinette, Scarlett O'Hara I merely following the footsteps or other powerful women who did not have time to zip.

Or maybe you're just delusional from lack of sleep.

Your light hasn't been off for nights.

Great leaders only need three hours.

Mine just happen to be nonconsecutive.

It's all part of my 2-year plan.

Every minute is allotted for work, school, and personal obligations.

Ow! That was my skin.

Studies stay not enough sleep make people psychotic.

Shouldn't you be brushing? Are you sure your workaholism has nothing to do with Raina and Chuck and Valentine's day? They broke up, and I only have 30 seconds left of "being a good friend" time, so spill.

Where were you last night? At the loft, just sleeping.

It's hard to find the time with Dan always there and you here, and you know, there's been a lot of buildup.

A 3-year stint in the big house I'd say so.

Obviously, "good friend time" has expired.

B.

, please, at least consider a nap.

What are you doing? Less reading, more grooming.

I'm the only one who can multitask.

Girls Inc.

Has found its new face in Raina Thorpe, if only Chuck Bass could get her to look at his again.

But New York's favorite bad boy always gets what he wants, and in this case, we think that's the girl who has everything.

I'm sure miss Raina does not have personal dresser.

Yes, but she has a company and a foundation and maybe a second chance with Chuck.

Keep up, Dorota.

The time has come for the dictator to delegate.

I'm moving up my time line.

Russell manipulated me to make me look like a monster with Lily so Raina would break up with me and I'd lose my one advocate within his company.

So you said more than a couple of times.

I have to get her back.

I need you to bump into her while she's meeting your mother about Girls Inc.

, then just distract her for a while.

I'm pretty sure a businesswoman like Raina has plans for the day, and what do I talk to her about anyway? Me.

I have faith in you, Nathaniel.

Your Archibald charm can get me the opening I need.

Just change the sweater.

What's wrong with my sweater? You called us here to Skype? No, I called you into "W.

" but apparently someone thought that stood for "Waldorf.

" It's fine.

No time to waste on blame.

Oh, thank God.

One does not get promoted without working 50-hour weeks, nor does one graduate early without doubling their course load.

There are philanthropic positions to secure as well as relations to nurture.

Yet with science so woefully behind in cloning technology, i can only be in one place at a time.

Dorota? Jessica, art history essay exam.

We got the question in advance.

You will just sit in front of the proctor and take my dictation over bluetooth.

Penmanship counts.

Now, Penelope, gifts for Eric's birthday and my mother's new home in Aix.

And please do try to approach my level of taste.

New minion? My name is Emily.

She has no time to care.

The opera is naming their new board, and I need to be on it, which means that I need to meet with Bryn Harold today.

I don't want to do gifts.

I'm sorry, but the time allotted for this attraction is now up.

Interns, step in.

Now since the new online blog is molding minds, I'll do that myself.

You will sort portfolios, draft editorial captions, and research back Are you talking to me? Of course not.

Where are my interns? They put in for transfers.

Your management style was a little aggressive.

One claims she has P.

T.

S.

D.

And threatened a lawsuit.

Oh.

Good luck.

The last assistant who lost her interns lost her job, too.

Not to worry.

My new intern is already here.

Thanks for coming.

I've requested a quiet table over there Oh, I'm not staying.

I only came to tell you to stop calling me.

Lily, I know I said some terrible things, but let me explain.

I've tolerated a lot from you over the years, but nothing could justify the humiliation that you put me through on Valentine's Day.

Russell Thorpe is setting me up.

I don't care Russell was doing behind the scenes.

It's no excuse for the things that you said to me.

I can't believe you're on his side.

This guy's trying to destroy our company.

Your company.

You had me fired.

I'm done trying to protect the Bass legacy.

Russell will make a marvelous owner.

What is it with this guy? You still have feelings for him? Please.

I'm a married woman.

That didn't stop you from cheating on my father.

I'm sure you'll do the same to Rufus.

Good-bye, Charles.

Hey.

I thought, since I no longer have a party to plan, I figured I could just come make sure Eric was okay, wish him happy birthday, and then we could spend the rest of the day doing whatever.

I heard "A Free Man Of Color" is great.

Matinee would get us out of the cold.

Or my room at the Waldorfs' is pretty cozy.

Maybe you don't even have to go up to see Eric.

Oh, it'll just be a minute, I promise.

I mean, he's right there.

Don't even try to tell me you're on an emergency ibuprofen run.

I'm not sick.

The slap was a nice touch Oscar-worthy.

Yes, well, it was surprisingly satisfying.

Lily, once again, I'm sorry.

I feel like a fool for ever believing Russell over you.

Well, let's just hope it's not long before he's the one feeling foolish.

Can't get no satisfaction.

Looks like that's up for debate.

I know that they were just trying to help, but Dan and Nate actually made things worse when they went to see Damien's father.

How, exactly? Damien's got his big coke shipment coming in today from Europe.

It's arriving at the flower market in the fertilizer packs of a hundred pink tulips.

And since his dad has people watching his every move, he's making me be his drug mule.

What? Why would you do that? What does he have on you? On me, nothing.

But he knows that mom forged the affidavit about Ben.

You told him? Eric, you know what would happen if that ever comes out.

Mom could go to prison.

I'm aware.

I stupidly thought that Damien was my friend, and I knew he would never wanna clear your name.

You can't blame yourself.

But you can't do this drug deal.

How else am I supposed to stop him from outing my mom? I did this.

I gotta fix it.

Great birthday, right? Go upstairs and tell mom that you're feeling better and not to cancel your party.

We'll take care of this, I promise.

Thank you.

If we go to the police, Damien will just tell them about my mom.

I-I should just get the flowers myself.

Serena, it's a drug deal.

Anyone who touches those flowers can get arrested.

Yeah, and if no one does, my mom will.

You can't risk anyone else's future to protect hers.

The right thing to do here is nothing.

Then the worst that happens is Lily pays for what she did.

At least no one else will.

Ben, she's my mother.

Who created this whole situation on her own.

I think we should take a rain check on our afternoon.

Yeah.

Call me later? This job offer won't last forever.

No way am I gonna work for you.

I came here to see if you wanted to have lunch, not sign up for indentured servitude.

Penelope, I see on "Gossip Girl" that you're between is a tasteful gift-free zone.

Get back in the cab.

What do you mean you don't know the price of the Prada clutch? You are Prada.

Let me speak to Miuccia.

Tell me.

For someone who is so determined to remain a free person, why are you still here? Listen, I'm not gonna work for you, but as a friend, I am willing to help out.

All you have to do is admit you need me.

What? Never.

The last person I need is Dan Humphrey, who shouldn't flatter himself by thinking he's my friend.

Yes, I need immediate delivery of four venti lattes with extra shots.

None of which are for you.

Oh, good, I don't really like refreshments with my theater.

Hey, Raina.

Nate.

I just finished having tea with your mom.

I would have stayed longer, but I have to meet Ivanka at Trump Place.

You haven't seen my driver, have you? You know what? The police probably got him for double parking.

It happens all the time on this block.

I guess I should just catch a cab.

Yeah, if you have an hour.

Cab to Riverside will take at least that long right now.

How is that possible? It's 15 blocks.

The best way to get anywhere right now is through the park.

You mean walk.

I'll escort you.

That way, you won't wander off into sheep's meadow.

Come on.

Trust me.

It'll be fast, and it's fun.

Okay, then.

Escort away.

There aren't really sheep there, right? No.

Just a lot of grass.

The kids theme is perfect for the party.

Eric has always been so serious and grown-up.

This will be his last grasp at childhood.

Thank you.

Nate's distracting Raina.

Now we have to get Russell out of the office, get access to his computer before they change the password The Captain gave me.

Well, Russell isn't liquid enough to acquire something as big as Bass Industries on his own, so he must have a backer, and if it's true that it's more profitable to keep Bass Industries intact, then I'm sure that this investor would appreciate if we told him this.

Let's hope we can find him before he writes Thorpe a check.

I don't know how much longer we can wait for Russell to call.

You could make the first move, play the modern woman.

Look, you of all people know that men like Russell need the pursuit.

Maybe I simply just don't have the allure that I used to.

No.

The way he's playing this, behind all the false claims, there's a real agenda, and it's personal.

I have to think it's his feelings for you.

Russell, what a surprise.

No, it's a pleasant one, actually.

Well, yes, after everything that's happened with Charles, I was hoping you would call.

Oh, I'd love to meet you for a drink.

No, the Oak Bar is perfect.

See you soon.

Do you have Bryn Harold? Well, then take off your shoes and chase her down, because I need that opera.

As a front-of-book idea.

They're doing "Boris Godunov" this spring.

Who doesn't love tsars and cossacks? Seems like a better concept for fall, but I'll run it by the group.

You sure you're not ready to admit you need my help? Never! No, "never" isn't what he transitioned Spain into.

It's modernism, and don't get caught talking during a test.

When was the last time you slept? Sleep is for the weak, and speaking of which, don't act like I don't know why you're really here.

It's because you're avoiding Ben and Serena at the loft.

No, I'm waiting for you to crack.

Stefano said to research the opera.

And what's the ETA.

On today's blog post? Uh uh within the hour.

Blair, if you take on one more thing, you're gonna break.

Blair, we need your help with a scheme.

She can't.

Oh.

I can.

New paragraph.

The nude Maja' began Goya's separation from religious iconography.

" What are you doing here? I'm leaving.

This just went from "Women On The Verge" to "Saw II", I don't like Gore porn really.

Are you sure you can help us? You seem pretty busy.

A takedown only takes two minutes.

Stefano Tonchi's office.

Please hold.

Yes.

You hold, too, Jessica.

Tell me the plot points.

Look at everyone Skating and kissing and Doing karate.

Oh, it's It's Tai Chi.

I mean, don't they have parks in Chicago? Mm-hmm, Grant Park.

It's beautiful.

I think I saw a picture of myself there At the age of 3.

But it may have been The White House lawn.

Guess that's what happens when your mother walks out before you can walk.

I'm sorry.

I, uh, I had no idea.

My mom used to take me skating here every winter.

I've never been.

What? You're from the home of The Hawks, and you haven't been skating? I watch from our box, not from the ice.

Oh.

Oh, come on.

I'll teach you.

What about my meeting? Trust me.

Your first time in skates is worth being a few minutes late, okay? Look, go take a look.

I'll get the skates and be right there.

All right, 7 1/2 Penelope, I'm putting someone else on gifts.

Return immediately for your new and urgent flower mission.

All the details are on a purple sticky note on my computer.

It's about time.

You texted me, like, two minutes ago.

I was downstairs getting a sandwich.

Now what's so urgent? I wanted to tell you that You were right About that thing.

Oh, now which thing was that? I, Blair Waldorf, need Dan Humphrey's help.

As a friend and peer, not as an underling.

As my friend and peer, not my underling.

As my friend and peer, not an underling.

Culinary crisis in features.

Ted's got a lead on rare white truffles in Tuscany.

We need you.

Okay, so all right, what do you want me to do? It's all on my desk.

Just start.

Painting it black has nothing on the trouble one piece of purple paper can cause.

Hey, sorry again about, uh, spilling the cider.

Ice skating was worth it, plus I got to cancel my day and continue my adventure of things I've never done, like nothing at 2:00 in the afternoon.

What would you be doing if I wasn't here? Probably just studying.

What subjects? Well, I might be playing a little "Black Ops" first, yeah.

Would you be doing this, too? It does make me a better soldier.

Another thing I've never tried.

Seriously? That wasn't peer pressure, by the way.

I just Will you light me up? You know who gets really, really good weed? Chuck.

This really is a day of firsts.

To old friends and new beginnings.

Nothing would make me happier.

I hope you know I never meant for you to become collateral damage in this acquisition.

Oh, of course.

I remember how important it was for you to keep your personal life and business separate.

You always understood me.

Okay, have a good weekend.

You know, I still have a soft spot for that bar at the Peninsula Hotel.

We did have some memorable moments.

I don't want to cross any lines that you don't want to cross, Lily.

I'm only happy if we can move forward, even if it's just as friends.

Oh, maybe we could just get one more glass of wine.

I never really knew how you felt about me choosing Bart If I was important to you or just amusing.

You and Rufus seem to have a good thing going.

Yes, well, that is just a show.

After we lost the first Bass Industries buyer, I couldn't risk the rumors of more family trouble.

Look at what the Dodgers are going through with the Mccourts.

Exactly, but luckily the situation will be over once your bid goes through.

Right now I'm just grateful that Rufus doesn't come home very often.

Maybe husband number six will be the charm.

Oh, I can't believe what time it is.

I have to get home to Eric's 18th birthday party.

Thank you for such a lovely afternoon.

I hope it's not our last.

Me, too.

Please note which ones are the cossacks and which ones will play the tsars.

Thank you.

Bryn Harold is friends with Lily Humphrey.

She'll be at Eric's party tonight, I have all the information.

Well done, new minion.

Make sure my resume is up to date.

She doesn't take applications, Blair.

She just invites people who impress her And aren't still in college.

Well, as you can probably tell, I'm not a typical college student.

I'm a self-actualized, mature-beyond-her-years-yet- still-youthful-and-dewy working woman.

Bryn Harold will be impressed.

Those aren't tulips.

Why would I buy your mother and Eric tulips? I left you a message.

I didn't get it.

I took you off of gift duty and put you on purple sticky note.

What purple sticky note? The one that I said I left on my computer screen.

It was right here.

Oh.

Hey, is everything okay? You have a visitor, says her name is Vanessa.

Tell him I came to apologize, and I'm happy to wait here till he gets back.

She says that I heard, I heard.

Tell her that I got all of her texts and her handwritten letters, and I will be in touch when I'm ready.

He says do I really have to say that? Shouldn't you just talk to her yourself? No, no, no, no, no.

Giving her the message myself will defeat the entire purpose of the message, and I'm really busy right now.

I'm on the Upper East Side delivering, like, a hundred tulips.

A hundred tulips.

Got it.

Hey, is anyone waiting for a tulip delivery? Why on earth did you get them? Uh, to help Blair.

These are purple.

Oh, and plant-y.

Why are you guys so interested in tulips? Well, at least no one will get arrested.

Except mom when Damien finds out we don't have his coke.

Okay, all right, will somebody tell me what the hell's going on? Poor E.

, only 18, and already welcoming all the makings of anyone's 19th nervous breakdown.

Blair, what were you thinking? That I would arrive at this party and be greeted appropriately.

I know you only admitted you needed me so you could make me your drug mule.

That sticky note was meant for Penelope.

Frankly, with her attitude, she could use some time behind bars.

So that's it? There's no "I'm sorry I could have gotten you arrested"? Well, you're here.

The party's lovely.

Everything obviously turned out fine.

Except that you sent Dan to get the wrong flowers.

The tulips with the coke were pink.

And I wrote that down.

This one's on you, Humphrey.

You wrote purple.

Classic stroop effect.

Where you write or say a color that you see instead of the one you mean.

You're not the only one who knows his neurodysfunction.

Happy Birthday.

Yeah, right.

Damien just called.

Turns out he pre-sold the coke and is therefore on his way to pick up the $100,000 he says I now owe him.

That's insane.

Nobody has that kind of money, do they? Not on them, but we need it now, or he's gonna out mom here tonight.

It's your 18th birthday, which means the checkbook to your Rhodes Trust Fund is somewhere in that pile of presents.

Okay.

All right.

Let's get unwrapping.

I know you're thinking that stroop is one of the symptoms of chronic fatigue, but I'm not even tired.

So it turns out Russell's financial backer is a guy named Bradley Kidd from Atlanta.

He owns a lot of property down South, nothing marquee.

Bass would be a huge move for him, and something he's capable of making.

How do we convince him not to? Because The Captain was right.

Thorpe ran a bunch of financial scenarios for Kidd, but nothing involved keeping Bass Industries intact.

Would Kidd consider backing us instead? That's why I invited him tonight, to convince him it's a better business move or to get him to break his deal with Russell.

Good spying.

Thank you.

I kind of like this double agent thing you have going on.

You do? Mm-hmm.

You gotta move in order to be better.

I'm trying.

Arm twist.

There you go.

Okay, finally.

Finally, a sport I can beat you in.

Oh, come on.

No.

First of all, this isn't even a sport.

Second of all, gloat all you want to.

Just please don't tell anybody I danced to "Tik Tok.

" I wouldn't call that dancing.

What? Hey, hey, at least I'm a good loser, okay? You threw your racket so hard, you almost broke the tv when I beat you at the tennis game.

This will make up for it.

Mmm.

That's awesome.

Mm-hmm.

We need to call Ben & Jerry.

No, we should start our own company.

Yes.

Hmm.

That was my dream when I was 5.

Don't tell my dad.

Mm, I won't.

This is really fun.

Hey.

Where have you been? I need you to bring Raina to Eric's party.

Sorry, man.

The music was really loud.

Music? Never mind.

Change of plan.

Keep her there until I call back.

Bye.

You know who loves ice cream? Chuck he loves it.

Nate I know what you've been trying to do all day.

You do? Mm-hmm.

Ugh! I hate professional gift wrapping.

What are you doing? Do you realize how gauche it is to open gifts at a party, before dessert? I was just so excited to have a new addition to my stock portfolio.

Well, at least make a list for thank-you notes.

I'm on hold with Victor from the flower market.

You've already done enough by getting me this, uh, salad bowl.

It's baccarat, and it's for my mother, which means that your Larry Clark print is on its way to her.

Penelope.

Keep going.

I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Great party.

Happy Birthday.

I'm guessing you're not here to celebrate.

I just saw Damien go up, and I know you sent Dan to get the drugs.

The Dan part was a mistake, but I did ask Blair to help.

I thought that you agreed that no one else should get hurt to protect your mother.

I'm not okay with what she did either, but it doesn't mean that I wanna destroy her.

Are you saying you choose Lily? You chose for me by turning to ice every time I mention her name.

I'm sorry.

I have to go help my brother now.

Bryn, I am so glad you could come.

Rufus and I are really enjoying the season so far.

Thanks.

You'll excuse me.

Mrs.

Harold, hi.

Oh, yes.

I'm Blair Waldorf.

Hi.

What a pleasure to meet you.

Russell, what a surprise.

Uh What are you doing here? Well, I figured he only turns 18 once.

Well, I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay.

Rufus decided to make an appearance.

I promise I won't draw attention.

I'm just a business associate, an old family friend stopping by with a gift.

Well, I suppose I can't argue with that.

You do look exceptionally lovely.

Lily, what the hell is going on? Nice to see you again, Rufus.

You think I'm a fool? I know what went on between you two, and looks like it's still going.

Please, this is not the time.

You're the one who invited him to Eric's 18th birthday party.

Actually, I was just leaving.

No, you know, some men know how to behave appropriately at social events.

Ahem.

Russell, I'm so sorry.

I'll call you later.

You know, you're not so bad at that double agent thing yourself.

Think he bought it? With my "W.

" blog, I'm imprinting proper etiquette and fashion sense as well as my philanthropic mandate on a whole new generation much like you did.

You do realize you're wearing two different shoes? By the way, um, have you seen Chuck Bass? I heard he's dating Raina Thorpe, and I'd love an introduction.

No, I haven't seen either of them.

Brad, what are you doing here? Russell, didn't expect to see you.

Looking for me.

Mr.

Kidd.

Chuck Bass.

Thanks for coming.

I think I'll stay, too.

Uh, that's Dalgaard Two "a's" after the "g.

" Why are you doing this? Angry cokeheads My father cut me off.

I have to pay them back somehow.

Make sure you don't leave out any of those zeroes.

Fine, but then that's the end of it.

$100,000? Eric, what is the meaning of this? I hear a storm is threatening someone's very life today.

Let's hope they find some shelter and it's not behind bars.

 $100,000 worth of drugs? You promised you were done with all of this.

Mom, it's it's not what it looks like.

Seems like you Van Der Woodsen/Humphreys have a lot of discussing to do, so I'm gonna go get a c*ck, maybe some Mac and Cheese.

You know your options.

Let me guess.

You and Lily are all made up, and she and Rufus are quite happily married.

I don't meddle in my stepmother's affairs, or in your case, a lack thereof.

Chuck here is just trying to manipulate you to pull your backing.

The only manipulation is yours.

You don't want anyone to know it doesn't make financial sense to rip Bass Industries apart.

You're just upset because you lost your daddy's company.

We understand.

It's very sad.

But it's time to get over it.

Brad, I'm sorry he dragged you into this.

Let me buy you a real dinner.

I think I'll stay and hear young Mr.

Bass out.

The only thing I hate more than being lied to is being cheated.

You're making a mistake.

What are you doing here? This is Serena's brother's birthday party.

It's not okay for you to just show up here.

All I wanna do is apologize for the part I played in what happened to her.

I had no idea that was Juliet's plan, and you know me, Dan.

I would never be okay with things going that far.

Yeah, that's what my sister said before she did the right thing and came clean.

You, on the other hand, pointed a finger at her and left town.

Wow.

I guess I can never come back, not even with you.

I'm not gonna chase after you, Vanessa.

And I wouldn't stop for you if you did.

Juliet's right, what she said.

I'm an outsider around here and always will be.

I'm relieved you're not going to overdose, but you should have come to me with this.

I just I-I didn't wanna worry you.

I wanted to fix my mistake.

The only mistake was mine When I forged Serena's signature.

Wow.

That's the first time you've admitted it was wrong.

Well, it seemed right at the time, but I know it wasn't.

And as much I appreciate you both trying to protect me, I can't allow anyone else to pay for what I did.

Hey.

Can't a person have some privacy to make a phone call? Where's your phone? Look, Blair, I just wanted to tell you that you were right.

I was only hanging out at "W.

" to avoid being at the loft with Ben and Serena.

That's your big revelation? I think you've actually gotten less smart since high school, Humphrey.

Oh, right.

You go to N.

Y.

U.

Well, I'm smart enough to see that your race to greatness has, uh, come down to a competition with Raina.

That's ridiculous.

She's from the midwest.

You're the one wearing two different shoes.

Because of Dorota.

My problem isn't emotional.

It's administrative.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have delegation disasters to fix.

Penelope sent me for the bowl, and Jessica said to tell you you got an "F" on your essay.

I guess she showed up at Professor Trudeau's class and Trudeau teaches history, not art history.

Yeah.

She figured that out after.

I really loved your blog, though.

The blog? What? I-I completely forgot.

Well, all that stuff about servants being like belts and purses and overpriced and interchangeable It was really funny Or mean.

Wait.

Was there something about admitting you need help from friends? "Friends are the fashion fundamentals.

" See? You did write it.

Well, of course.

Who else could turn minions into a metaphor? Bye.

Well, well, well, if it's not my favorite ex-con to run into in dark alleys.

If you ever use that information about Lily, I'll have you k*lled.

It's a tad melodramatic, don't you think? Well, that's up for you to decide while you're walking around, wondering if that guy behind you is the ex-con I got to do the job.

Those guys I had beat up Howard Archibald only stopped after ten minutes because I told them to.

It takes a hell of a lot less time to k*ll a man.

I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane.

Bygones.

Turns out what Ben did while doing time wasn't on his side.

Now Vanessa has him under her thumb.

I appreciate you looking this over so quickly.

I'll be in touch either way.

You still with Raina? I'm ready for you to bring her over.

Dude, it's not happening.

What do you mean? I'm sorry.

She figured out what I was up to, and she split.

All right, I mean, you should just move on.

You can get any girl in New York, not to mention Europe, Australia, and several parts of Asia.

I appreciate your efforts, Nathaniel.

No worries, man.

You sure you don't wanna give him one more chance? I told you I've dated guys like Chuck my whole life.

I think I'm done with business in bed and portfolio pillow talk.

I want my day of firsts with you.

Then what else have you never done? Well, Happy Birthday.

Fork, please.

No Raina? Not tonight.

At least I got to see the look on Russell's face when you accused him of sleeping with Lily.

I know.

Rufus did play the jealous husband brilliantly.

Mm, so sad I missed all of this.

And did anyone else see Vanessa, or am I having ether flashbacks? It's probably the latter, although I did notice Blair wearing two different shoes.

Hmm.

And Ben.

He came, but then he turned right around and left.

Are you so sure about that? Sorry to interrupt.

Damien won't be bothering you anymore.

I made it clear that I wouldn't cooperate.

Thank you, Benjamin.

I can't believe you did that for her.

I didn't.

I did it for you.

I don't want anything to stand in the way of us moving forward.

Me either.

Maybe we should stay and eat some cake.

Not yet.

Forgiveness isn't gonna happen overnight, Serena.

I know.

What matters is that you made the first step.

Your "friends as fashion" metaphor Was well ex*cuted but did not save my job.

You got fired? Slash quit.

Donna said they'd been watching me for a while, hoping for the best, but let's face it.

I'm imploding.

At least you got your name in the blog.

I'm sorry, Blair.

I thought that if I could be the Blair Waldorf that I want to be a little sooner, that maybe I could return to Chuck before he fell for someone else.

Well, you do know Raina broke up with him.

Yes, in my head, but in my heart I feel further away than ever.

I mean, tonight he's thinking about a different girl, and meanwhile, I lost my job, I failed a test, I almost got my best friend's mother arrested.

And I'm in Brooklyn talking about it to Dan Humphrey.

Uh, well, I'm about to order some pizza If you wanna stay.

I think someone "Freaky Friday'ed" me, and this can't possibly be my life.

Well, it is.

What do you want? Gourmet, I suppose.

Burning the midnight oil, trying to put the Bass Industries deal back together? I'm sorry.

Have we met? Damien Dalgaard, fellow victim of the Bass/Van Der Woodsen Humphrey clan.

If you have $100,000 and promise to keep a secret, I have a little information you might find useful.

When you do finally get what you want, the problem is there's always someone who's trying to take it away.

Blair's light's off.

I noticed.

And all that wanting makes us blind to the fact that things aren't exactly what we think they are.

You're the worst kind there is an intellectual snob.

Maybe it's better sometimes to just get what you need.

X.

O.

X.

O.

Gossip Girl.

[bunniefuu]

(OG version)


WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL: Mick, Keith and their
questionably costumed cohorts said:

"You can't always get what you want."

But that doesn't mean it's okay
for anyone else to have it either.

BEN: It's just toast.
-But it's perfect.

It's the perfect amount of toasty.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Hey.
-Hey.

Sorry if we kept you up last night.
We were playing Scrabble.

She fell asleep to avoid losing.

Since when do you enjoy Scrabble?

Do you want some coffee? I made it.

She makes it strong. She's giving Staten
Island Correctional a run for its money.

-No. I'm actually craving some Zibetto's.
-You're gonna go to Midtown for coffee?

Yeah. I have a, uh, meeting-- Lunch up
there anyway. So see you guys later.

I should get going too.
I agreed to a détente with my mom...

...so I could help plan
Eric's 18th birthday party.

-Hmm.
-I can't show up in yesterday's clothes.

Tell him I say congratulations,
and to be careful...

...now that he's old enough
to be tried as an adult.

Actually, I was hoping you could
come to the party and tell him yourself.

I'm not going to your mother's, Serena.

I'm not eating her food,
drinking her wine...

...or pretending everything's okay.

I don't forgive her either, I just....

[SIGHS]

We'll hang out when you're done.

I wished for chills on my birthday,
but not thanks to the flu.

Looks like I'll be ushering in adulthood
with warm tea and flat ginger ale, heh.

We'll have to celebrate another time.

Ugh, I need to get to this meeting.

Get some rest, okay? I'll call everyone
when I get home and cancel the party.

How's the patient? Do I need to change
my breakfast with Thurston?

No, he's gonna be fine. I wish I could
say the same about this meeting.

Stay strong. I know you'll do great.

SERENA:
I try not to meddle in Dorota's duties...

...but don't you think
you're taking it a bit far?

BLAIR: Marie Antoinette, Scarlett
O'Hara. I'm following in the footsteps...

...of powerful women
who did not have time to zip.

Or you're delusional
from lack of sleep.

-Your light hasn't been off for nights.
-Great leaders only need 3 hours...

...mine just happen to be
non-consecutive.

It's part of my two-year plan.

Every minute is allotted for work,
school and personal obligations.

Ow! That was my skin.

Studies say not enough sleep
make people psychotic.

-Shouldn't you be brushing?
SERENA: You sure your workaholism...

...has nothing to do with Raina
and Chuck and Valentine's Day?

They broke up. I only have 30 seconds
left of being-a-good-friend time, so spill.

-Where were you last night?
-At the loft. Just sleeping.

It's hard to find the time
with Dan always there and you here...

...and, you know,
there's been a lot of build up.

A three-year stint in the big house?
I'd say so.

Good-friend time has expired.
B, please, at least consider a nap.

BLAIR:
What are you doing?

Less reading, more grooming.

I'm the only one who can multi-task.

GOSSIP GIRL: Girls Inc. has found
its new face in Raina Thorpe.

If only Chuck Bass could get her
to look at his again.

But New York's favorite bad boy
always gets what he wants.

And in this case, we think
that's the girl who has everything.

I'm sure Miss Raina does not have
personal dresser.

Yes, but she has a company
and a foundation...

...and maybe a second chance
with Chuck.

[SIGHS]

Keep up, Dorota.

The time has come for the dictator
to delegate.

I'm moving up my timeline.

Russell manipulated me to make me
look like a monster with Lily...

...so Raina would break up with me...

...and I'd lose my one advocate
within his company.

-So you said. More than a couple times.
-I have to get her back.

I need you to bump into her while she's
meeting your mother about Girls Inc.

Then distract her for a while.

A businesswoman like Raina
has plans for the day.

-What would I talk about anyway?
-Me. I have faith in you.

Your Archibald charm
can get me the opening I need.

Just change the sweater.

What's wrong with my sweater?

[SNIFFS]

You called us here to Skype?

No, I called you into W, but apparently,
someone thought that stood for Waldorf.

-It's fine. No time to waste on blame.
-Oh, thank God.

One does not get promoted
without working 50-hour weeks.

Nor does one graduate early
without doubling their course load.

There are philanthropic positions
to secure as well as relations to nurture.

Yet, with science so behind
in cloning technology...

...I can only be in one place at a time.

-Dorota?
-Jessica, Art History essay exam.

We got the question in advance.
You will sit in front of the proctor...

...and take my dictation over Bluetooth.
Penmanship counts.

Now, Penelope, gifts for Eric's birthday
and my mother's new home in Aix.

And please do try
to approach my level of taste.

-New minion.
-My name is Emily.

She has no time to care.

BLAIR:
The opera is naming their new board.

I need to be on it. Which means
I need to meet with Bryn Harold today.

I don't wanna do gifts.

I'm sorry, but the time allotted
for this interaction is now up.

Interns, step in.

Now, since the new online blog
is molding minds, I'll do that myself.

You will sort portfolios,
draft editorial captions...

...and research back--

Are you talking to me?

Of course not. Where are my interns?

They put in for transfers.

Your management style
was a little aggressive.

One claims she has PTSD
and threatened a lawsuit.

Oh. Good luck.

The last assistant who lost her interns
lost her job too.

Not to worry,
my new intern is already here.

Thanks for coming.
I've requested a quiet table--

Oh, I'm not staying. I only came
to tell you to stop calling me.

I know I said some terrible things,
but let me explain.

I've tolerated a lot from you
over the years.

Nothing could justify the humiliation
you put me through on Valentine's Day.

Russell Thorpe is setting me up.

I don't care what Russell was doing.
It's no excuse for the things you said.

This guy's trying
to destroy our company.

Your company.

You had me fired.

I'm done trying to protect
the Bass legacy.

Russell will make a marvelous owner.

What is it with this guy?
You still have feelings for him?

-Please. I'm a married woman.
-That didn't stop you from cheating...

...on my father.
I'm sure you'd do the same to Rufus.

Goodbye, Charles.

Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm. I thought, since I no longer
have a party to plan...

...I could make sure Eric was okay,
wish him a happy birthday...

...and we could spend the rest of the day
doing whatever.

I heard A Free Man of Color is great.
Matinee would get us out of the cold.

Or my room at the Waldorf's
is pretty cozy.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Maybe you don't have to go up
to see Eric.

-Oh, it'll just be a minute. I promise.
-I mean, he's right there.

Don't even try to tell me
you're on an emergency ibuprofen run.

I'm not sick.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

Slap was a nice touch. Oscar worthy.

Yes, well,
it was surprisingly satisfying.

Lily, once again, I'm sorry.

I feel like a fool
for ever believing Russell over you.

Well, let's just hope it's not long
before he's the one feeling foolish.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Can't get no satisfaction.

Looks like that's up for debate.

ERIC: I know they were trying to help,
but Dan and Nate made things worse...

-...when they went to Damien's father.
-How exactly?

Damien's got his big coke shipment
coming in today from Europe.

It's arriving at the flower market
in the fertilizer packs of 100 pink tulips.

And since his dad has people
watching his every move...

...he's making me be his mule.

What? Why would you do that?
What does he have on you?

On me, nothing.

But he knows that Mom forged
the affidavit about Ben.

You told him?

Eric, you know what would happen
if that ever comes out.

Mom could go to prison. I'm aware.

I stupidly thought
that Damien was my friend.

And I knew he would never wanna
clear your name.

You can't blame yourself,
but you can't do this drug deal.

How else am I supposed to stop him
from outing my mom?

I did this, I gotta fix it.

Great birthday, right?

Go upstairs and tell Mom you're feeling
better and not to cancel your party.

We'll take care of this. I promise.

Thank you.

If we go to the police, Damien
will just tell them about my mom.

I should just get the flowers myself.

It's a drug deal. Anyone who touches
those flowers can get arrested.

Yeah, and if no one does,
my mom will.

You can't risk anyone else's future
to protect hers.

The right thing to do here is nothing.

Then the worst that happens
is Lily pays for what she did.

At least no one else will.

-Ben, she's my mother.
-Who created this situation on her own.

[SCOFFS]

I think we should take a rain check
on our afternoon.

Yeah.

Call me later?

[PHONE RINGING]

-This job offer won't last forever.
-No way.

I came to see if you wanted lunch,
not sign up for indentured servitude.

Penelope, I see that you're between


That is a tasteful gift-free zone.
Get back in the cab.

What do you mean you don't know
the price of the Prada clutch?

You are Prada. Let me speak to Miuccia.

Tell me, for someone so determined
to remain a free person...

...why are you still here?

Listen, I'm not gonna work for you,
but as a friend, I am willing to help out.

All you have to do is admit you need me.

What?

Never. The last person I need
is Dan Humphrey.

Who shouldn't flatter himself
by thinking he's my friend.

Yes, I need immediate delivery
of four venti lattes with extra shots.

-None of which are for you.
-I don't like refreshments with theater.

-Hey, Raina.
RAINA: Nate.

[RAINA CHUCKLES]

I just finished having tea
with your mom.

I would have stayed longer, but I have
to meet Ivanka at Trump Place.

You haven't seen my driver, have you?

The police probably got him
for double-parking.

-Happens all the time on this block.
-I guess I should just catch a cab.

Yeah, if you have an hour.

A cab to Riverside will take
at least that long right now.

How's that possible? It's 15 blocks.

The best way to get anywhere right now
is through the park.

You mean walk?

I'll escort you. That way you won't
wander off into Sheep's Meadow.

Come on, trust me.
It'll be fast and it's fun.

Okay, then. Escort away.

-There aren't really sheep there, right?
-Heh, no. Just a lot of grass.

The kids theme is perfect for the party.
Eric has always been so grown-up.

-This'll be his last grasp at childhood.
-Ha, ha.

Thank you.

Nate's distracting Raina.
I have to get Russell out of the office...

...get access to his computer
before they change the password.

Russell isn't liquid enough to acquire
something as big as Bass Industries...

...on his own. He must have a backer.

And if it's true that it's more profitable
to keep Bass Industries intact...

...then I'm sure that this investor
would appreciate if we told him this.

Let's hope we find him
before he writes Thorpe a check.

I don't know how much longer
we can wait.

You could make the first move.

Play the modern woman.

You of all people know
men like Russell need the pursuit.

Maybe I simply just don't have the allure
that I used to.

No, the way he's playing this behind all
the false claims, there's a real agenda.

And it's personal.

I have to think it's his feelings for you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Russell, what a surprise.

No, it's a pleasant one, actually.

After everything that's happened
with Charles...

...I was hoping you would call.

Oh, I'd love to meet you for a drink.

No, the Oak Bar is perfect.

See you soon.

BLAIR: Do you have Bryn Harold?
Well, then take off your shoes...

...and chase her down
because I need that opera.

As a front-of-book idea.

They're doing Boris Godunov
this spring.

Who doesn't love tsars
and Cossacks?

Seems like a better concept for fall,
but I'll run it by the group.

-Not ready to admit you need my help?
-Never.

No. "Never" isn't what he transitioned
Spain into, it's Modernism.

And don't get caught talking
during a test.

When was the last time you slept?

Sleep is for the weak.

Speaking of which, don't act like
I don't know why you're here.

-You're avoiding Ben and Serena.
-No. I'm waiting for you to crack.

Stefano said to research the opera.

And what's the ETA
on today's blog post?

Uh....

Uh....

Within the hour.

Blair, if you take on one more thing,
you're gonna break.

-We need your help with a scheme.
-She can't.

Uh-- I can. New paragraph.

The Nude Maja began Goya's
separation from religious iconography.

-What are you doing here?
-I'm leaving.

This just went from Women on the Verge
to Saw II. I don't like gore porn.

-You sure you can help? You seem busy.
-A takedown only takes two minutes.

[PHONE RINGS]

Stefano Tonchi's office, please hold.

Yes, you hold too, Jessica.

[SIGHS]

Tell me the plot points.

RAINA:
Look at everyone.

Skating and kissing...

NATE:
Hmm.

...and doing karate.

[RAINA CHUCKLES]

Oh, it's, heh-- It's tai chi.

Don't they have parks in Chicago?

-Mm-hm. Grant Park. It's beautiful.
-Ah.

I think I saw a picture of myself there
at the age of 3.

But it may have been
the White House lawn.

[CHUCKLES]

Guess that's what happens when your
mother walks out before you can walk.

I'm sorry. I, uh-- I had no idea.

My mom used to take me skating here
every winter.

-I've never been.
-You're from the home of the Hawks...

-...and you've never been skating?
-I watch from our box, not from the ice.

Oh, well, come on, I'll teach you.

What about my meeting?

Trust me, your first time on skates
is worth being a few minutes late.

Go take a look,
I'll get the skates and be right there.

Seven and a half.

Seven and a half....

BLAIR: Penelope,
I'm putting someone else on gifts.

Return immediately
for your new and urgent flower mission.

All the details are on
a purple sticky note on my computer.

[GASPS]

-It's about time.
-You texted me two minutes ago.

I was getting a sandwich.
What's so urgent?

I wanted to tell you
that you were right.

-About that thing.
-Oh, now, which thing was that?

I, Blair Waldorf,
need Dan Humphrey's help.

As a friend and peer,
not as an underling.

As my friend and peer,
not my underling.

[MUMBLING]

-As my friend and peer, not an underling.
-Culinary crisis in Features.

Ted's got a lead on rare white truffles
in Tuscany. We need you.

-Okay, so, what do you want me to do?
-It's all on my desk. Just start.

Uh....

GOSSIP GIRL: Painting it black
has nothing on the trouble...

...one piece of purple paper can cause.

Hey, sorry again about,
uh, spilling the cider.

Ice skating was worth it.

Plus, I got to cancel my day...

...and continue my adventure
of things I've never done.

-Like nothing at 2 in the afternoon.
-Heh.

What would you be doing
if I wasn't here?

-Probably just studying.
-What subjects?

Well, I might be playing
a little "Black Ops" first. Yeah.

Would you be doing this too?

It does make me a better soldier.

-Another thing I've never tried.
-Seriously?

-That wasn't peer pressure, by the way--
-Will you light me up?

You know who gets really,
really good weed?

Chuck.

This really is a day of firsts.

[CHUCKLES]

RUSSELL:
To old friends and new beginnings.

Nothing would make me happier.

I hope you know I never meant for you
to become collateral damage...

...in this acquisition.

Oh, of course. I remember
how important it was for you...

...to keep your personal life
and business separate.

You always understood me.

GUARD:
Hey, how was your weekend?

RUSSELL:
I have a soft spot...

...for that bar in the Peninsula Hotel,
heh.

We did have
some memorable moments.

I don't wanna cross any lines
that you don't wanna cross, Lily.

I'll be happy if we can move forward,
even if just as friends.

Maybe we could just get
one more glass of wine.

I never really knew how you felt
about me choosing Bart.

If I was important to you
or just amusing.

RUSSELL: You and Rufus
seem to have a good thing going.

Yes, well, that is just a show.

After we lost
the first Bass Industries buyer...

...I couldn't risk the rumors
of more family trouble.

Look what the Dodgers
are going through.

Exactly. But, luckily, the situation
will be over once your bid goes through.

Right now, I'm just grateful that
Rufus doesn't come home very often.

Maybe Husband Number 6
will be the charm.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Oh, I can't believe what time it is.
I have to get home...

...to Eric's 18th birthday party.

Thank you for such a lovely afternoon.

-I hope it's not our last.
-Me too.

BLAIR:
Please note which are the Cossacks...

...and which will play the czars.
Thank you.

Bryn Harold is friends
with Lily Humphrey.

She'll be at Eric's party.
I have the information.

Well done, new minion.
Make sure my résumé is up-to-date.

She doesn't take applications.

She just invites people who impress her
and aren't still in college.

Well, as you can probably tell,
I'm not a typical college student.

I'm a self-actualized,
mature-beyond-her-years...

...yet still youthful
and dewy working woman.

-Bryn Harold will be impressed.
PENELOPE: Mm-hm.

-Those aren't tulips.
-Why would I buy Eric tulips?

-I left you a message.
-I didn't get it.

I took you off gift duty
and put you on sticky note.

-What sticky note?
-The one that I said I left...

...on my computer screen.

[BLAIR SCOFFS]

It was right here.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh.

Hey, is everything okay?

You have a visitor.
Says her name is Vanessa.

Tell him I came to apologize.
I'm happy to wait till he gets back.

-She says that--
DAN: Yeah, I heard.

Tell her I got all of her texts and letters
and will be in touch when I'm ready.

He says-- Do I have to say that?
Shouldn't you just talk to her yourself?

No, no, no. Giving her the message
myself would defeat the entire purpose.

I'm really busy right now.
I'm delivering like a hundred tulips.

A hundred tulips.

Got it.

Hey, is anyone waiting
for a tulip delivery?

Why on earth did you get them?

Uh, to help Blair.

-These are purple.
-Oh, and plant-y.

-Why are you so interested in tulips?
-At least no one will get arrested.

Except Mom, when Damien finds out
we don't have his coke.

Okay, will somebody tell me
what's going on?

GOSSIP GIRL: Poor E, only 18 and
already welcoming all the makings...

...of anyone's


[CHATTERING]

-What were you thinking?
-That I would arrive at this party...

...and be greeted appropriately.

You admitted you needed me
so you could make me your mule.

That sticky note was meant
for Penelope.

[SCOFFS]

With her attitude,
she could use some time behind bars.

No "sorry I could have
gotten you arrested"?

Well, you're here. The party's lovely.
Everything obviously turned out fine.

SERENA: Except that you sent Dan
to get the wrong flowers.

The tulips with the coke were pink.

And I wrote that down.

-Heh, this one's on you, Humphrey.
-You wrote "purple."

Classic Stroop effect.

Where you write or say a color that
you see instead of the one you mean.

You're not the only one who knows
his neuro dysfunction.

[ERIC SIGHS]

-Happy birthday.
-Yeah, right. Damien just called.

Turns out he pre-sold the coke
and is therefore on his way...

...to pick up the $100,000
he says I now owe him.

That's insane. Nobody has
that kind of money, do they?

ERIC: Not on them, but we need it now
or he's gonna out Mom here tonight.

It's your 18th birthday, the checkbook
to your Rhodes trust fund...

...is somewhere in that pile of presents.

Okay. All right, let's get unwrapping.

You're thinking Stroop is one
of the symptoms of chronic fatigue...

...but I'm not even tired.

Turns out Russell's financial backer is
a guy named Bradley Kidd from Atlanta.

He owns a lot of property down South,
nothing marquee.

Bass would be a huge move.
It's something he's capable of making.

-How do we convince him not to?
-Because the Captain was right.

Thorpe ran a bunch
of financial scenarios for Kidd...

...but nothing involved
keeping Bass Industries intact.

-Would Kidd consider backing us?
-That's why I invited him tonight.

To convince him it's a better move,
or to get him to break his deal.

-Good spying.
-Heh, thank you.

I kind of like this double-agent thing
you have going on.

-You do?
RUFUS: Mm-hm.

[KESHA'S "TIK TOK" PLAYING]

LILY:
Hmm.

RAINA:
You gotta move.

NATE: I'm trying.
RAINA: Ha, ha.

NATE: Arm twist.
-There you go.

Okay, finally.

Finally, a sport I can beat you in.

Oh, come on. No.
First of all, this isn't even a sport.

Second of all, gloat all you want to...

...just don't tell anybody
I danced to "Tik Tok."

I wouldn't call that dancing.

What? Hey. Hey,
at least I'm a good loser, okay?

You threw your racquet so hard
you almost broke the TV...

-...when I beat you at the tennis game.
-This will make up for it.

-Mm. That's awesome.
-Mm-hm.

We need to call Ben and Jerry.

No. We should start our own company.

-Yes.
-Hmm.

That was my dream when I was 5.

-Don't tell my dad.
-Mm. I won't.

This is really fun.

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hey.
-Where have you been?

I need you to bring Raina
to Eric's party.

Sorry, man, the music was really loud.

Music?

Never mind. Change of plan.
Keep her there until I call back.

Bye.

You know who loves ice cream?

Chuck. He loves it.

Hmm. Nate, I know
what you've been trying to do all day.

-You do?
-Mm-hm.

[GRUNTS]

I hate professional gift wrapping.

What are you doing?

Do you realize how gauche it is
to open gifts at a party before dessert?

I was just excited to have a new addition
to my stock portfolio.

Well, at least make a list
for thank-you notes.

I'm on hold with the flower market.

You've already done enough
by getting me this, uh, salad bowl?

It's Baccarat. And it's for my mother.

Which means that your Larry Clark print
is on its way to her. Penelope.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Keep going. I'll be right back.
-Yeah.

Great party.

[SIGHS]

Happy birthday.

-I guess you're not here to celebrate.
-I just saw Damien go up.

I know you sent Dan to get the drugs.

The Dan part was a mistake,
but I did ask Blair to help.

You agreed no one else should get hurt
to protect your mother.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[SERENA SIGHS]

I'm not okay with what she did either,
but it doesn't mean I wanna destroy her.

-Are you saying you choose Lily?
-You chose for me...

...by turning to ice
every time I mention her.

I'm sorry,
I have to go help my brother now.

Bryn, I am so glad you could come.

Rufus and I are really enjoying
the season.

If you'll excuse me.

-Mrs. Harold?
-Oh.

Hi. I'm Blair Waldorf.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.

Russell, what a surprise.
Uh, what are you doing here?

Well, I figure he only turns 18 once.

I don't think it's a good idea
for you to stay.

Rufus decided to make an appearance.

-I promise I won't draw attention.
-Mm.

I'm just a business associate...

...and old family friend,
stopping by with a gift.

Well, I suppose I can't argue with that.

You do look exceptionally lovely.

Lily, what the hell is going on?

-Nice to see you again.
-You think I'm a fool?

I know what went on between you two,
and it looks like it's still going.

Please. This is not the time.

You're the one who invited him
to Eric's 18th birthday.

I was just leaving.

You know, some men know how
to behave appropriately at social events.

Ahem, Russell, I'm so sorry.
I'll call you later.

You're not so bad
at that double-agent thing yourself.

Think he bought it?

With my W blog, I'm imprinting
proper etiquette and fashion sense...

...as well as my philanthropic mandate
on a new generation, like you did.

You do realize you're wearing
two different shoes?

By the way, um,
have you seen Chuck Bass?

I heard he's dating Raina Thorpe
and I'd love an introduction.

No, I haven't seen either of them.

Brad, what are you doing here?

Russell. Didn't expect to see you.

Looking for me.

-Mr. Kidd, Chuck Bass.
BRADLEY: Hmm.

CHUCK:
Thanks for coming.

I think I'll stay too.

Uh, that's "Dalgaard."
Two A's after the G.

-Why are you doing this?
-Angry cokeheads.

My father cut me off,
I have to pay them back somehow.

Make sure you don't
leave out any zeros.

Fine, but then that's the end of it.

A hundred thousand dollars?
Eric, what is the meaning of this?

GOSSIP GIRL: I hear a storm is
threatening someone's very life today.

Let's hope they find some shelter
and it's not behind bars.

[CHATTERING]

A hundred thousand dollars
worth of drugs?

-You promised you were done with this.
-Mom, it's not what it looks like.

It seems like you
van der Woodsen-Humphreys...

...have a lot of discussing to do,
so I'm gonna go get a c*ck...

...maybe some mac and cheese.
You know your options.

RUSSELL:
Let me guess.

You and Lily are all made up and she
and Rufus are quite happily married.

I don't meddle
in my stepmother's affairs.

Or in your case, a lack thereof.

Chuck is trying to manipulate you
to pull your backing.

You don't want anyone to know...

...it doesn't make financial sense
to rip Bass Industries apart.

You're upset because you lost
your daddy's company.

We understand. It's very sad,
but it's time to get over it.

I'm sorry he dragged you into this.
Let me buy you a real dinner.

I think I'll stay,
hear young Mr. Bass out.

The only thing I hate more
than being lied to is being cheated.

You're making a mistake.

What are you doing?
This is Serena's brother's birthday party.

-It's not okay for you to just show up.
-I wanna apologize for what happened.

I had no idea that was Juliet's plan.

You know me, I would never be okay
with things going that far.

That's what my sister said
before she came clean.

You, on the other hand,
pointed the finger at her and left town.

Wow.

I guess I can never come back.
Not even with you.

-I'm not gonna chase after you.
-And I wouldn't stop for you if you did.

Juliet's right, what she said.

I'm an outsider around here,
and always will be.

I'm relieved you're not gonna overdose,
but you should've come to me.

I just-- I didn't wanna worry you.
I wanted to fix my mistake.

The only mistake was mine...

...when I forged Serena's signature.

Wow, that's the first time
you've admitted it was wrong.

Well, it seemed right at the time,
but I know it wasn't.

And as much as I appreciate
you both trying to protect me...

...I can't allow anyone else
to pay for what I did.

Hey.

Can't a person have some privacy
to make a phone call?

Where's your phone?
I just wanted to tell you, you were right.

I was hanging out at W to avoid
being at the loft with Ben and Serena.

That's your big revelation?

[SCOFFS]

I think you've actually gotten less smart
since high school.

-Oh, right, you go to NYU.
-I'm smart enough to see...

...your race to greatness has, uh,
come down to a competition with Raina.

That's ridiculous.
She's from the Midwest.

You're the one wearing
two different shoes.

Because of Dorota.

My problem isn't emotional,
it's administrative.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have delegation disasters to fix.

EMILY:
Penelope sent me for the bowl.

And Jessica said to tell you
you got an F on your essay.

I guess she showed up
at Professor Trudeau's class--

Trudeau teaches History,
not Art History.

Yeah, she figured that out, after.

-I really loved your blog, though.
-The blog? What?

I completely forgot.

Well, all that stuff about servants
being like belts and purses...

...and overpriced and interchangeable,
it was really funny, heh.

Or mean.

Wait, was there something about
admitting you need help from friends?

"Friends are the fashion fundamentals."
See? You did write it.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, of course.

Who else could turn minions
into a metaphor?

Bye.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, well, well. If it's not my favorite
ex-con to run into in dark alleys.

If you ever use that information
about Lily, I'll have you k*lled.

That's a tad melodramatic,
don't you think?

Well, that's up for you to decide,
while you're walking around...

...wondering if that guy behind you
is the ex-con I got to do the job.

Those guys I had beat up
Howard Archibald...

...only stopped after 10 minutes
because I told them to.

Takes a hell of a lot less time
to k*ll a man.

I always knew you read
too much Shakespeare to be sane.

Bygones.

[SIGHS]

GOSSIP GIRL: Turns out what Ben did
while doing time, wasn't on his side.

Now Vanessa has him
under her thumb.

I appreciate you looking this over
so quickly.

I'll be in touch either way.

You still with Raina?
I'm ready for you to bring her over.

-Dude, it's not happening.
CHUCK: What do you mean?

NATE: I'm sorry, she figured out
what I was up to and split.

You should move on.
You can get any girl in New York.

Not to mention Europe, Australia,
and several parts of Asia.

I appreciate your efforts, Nathaniel.

No worries, man.

Sure you don't wanna give him
one more chance?

I told you, I've dated guys like Chuck
my whole life.

I think I'm done with business in bed
and portfolio pillow talk.

I want my day of firsts with you.

Then what else have you never done?

[CHUCKLES]

-Well, happy birthday.
-Fork, please.

[CHUCK SIGHS]

-No Raina?
-Not tonight.

At least I got to see Russell's face when
you accused him of sleeping with Lily.

Rufus did play the jealous husband
brilliantly.

SERENA:
So sad I missed all this.

And did anyone else see Vanessa,
or am I having ether flashbacks?

Probably the latter. I did notice Blair
wearing two different shoes.

-Hmm.
-Heh.

-And Ben.
SERENA: He came.

But then he turned right around
and left.

Are you so sure about that?

BEN:
Sorry to interrupt.

Damien won't be bothering you
anymore.

I made it clear
that I wouldn't cooperate.

Thank you, Benjamin.

-I can't believe you did that for her.
-I didn't. I did it for you.

I don't want anything to stand in the way
of us moving forward.

Me neither.

Maybe we should stay
and eat some cake.

Not yet.

Forgiveness isn't gonna happen
overnight, Serena.

I know. What matters is that
you made the first step.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Your friends-as-fashion metaphor was
well ex*cuted, but did not save my job.

-You got fired?
-Slash quit.

Donna said they'd been watching me
for a while, hoping for the best.

But let's face it, I'm imploding.

[SIGHS]

-At least you got your name in the blog.
-I'm sorry, Blair.

I thought that if I could be
the Blair Waldorf that I want to be...

...a little sooner...

...that maybe I could return to Chuck
before he fell for someone else.

Well, you do know Raina
broke up with him?

Yes, in my head.

But in my heart,
I feel further away than ever.

I mean, tonight he's thinking
about a different girl.

And meanwhile,
I lost my job, I failed a test.

I almost got my best friend's mother
arrested.

And I'm in Brooklyn talking about it
to Dan Humphrey.

Uh, well, I'm about to order some pizza,
if you wanna stay.

I think someone Freaky Friday'd me.
This can't possibly be my life.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, it is. What do you want?

Gourmet, I suppose.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Burning the midnight oil trying to put
the Bass Industries deal back together?

I'm sorry, have we met?

Damien Dalgaard. Fellow victim of the
Bass-van der Woodsen-Humphrey clan.

If you have $100,000
and promise to keep a secret...

...I have a little information
you might find useful.

GOSSIP GIRL: When you do
finally get what you want...

...the problem is, there's always someone
who's trying to take it away.

Blair's light's off.

I noticed.

GOSSIP GIRL: All that wanting
makes us blind to the fact...

...that things aren't exactly
what we think they are.

[PHONE BUZZING]

You're the worst kind there is.
An intellectual snob.

GOSSIP GIRL: Maybe it's better
sometimes to just get what you need.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.