Gossip Girl here your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.
I need your passion for social upheaval to help me write the book about the Upper East Side.
Would you prefer the kink of watching your father do it with Fake Charlie again? No, I did not watch.
I got the hell out before they saw me.
As the new head of Waldorf Designs, I only have one chance to make my debut.
At fashion show for Buyers next week.
Please tell me that means you're giving your serial to "The Spectator.
" I know you need this to succeed as much as I do, but it's only gonna do that if you print it word for word.
Done.
What do you want me to say, "thank you for the humiliating experience of being walked to school by my dad and his trophy girlfriend"? "Gossip Girl" says your dad is dating Serena Van Der Woodsen.
Is it true? Not for long.
She know you can do this, Miss Blair.
I hope she's right.
My entire future here and with Chuck depends on it.
And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me.
X.
O.
X.
O.
, Gossip Girl.
Manhattan has weathered her share of storms heat waves, hurricanes, even an earthquake.
But these days, it looks like a new force of nature is taking shape on the Upper East Side.
There's nothing I love more than the sound of a sweatshop in the morning.
That hemline is too short.
And that one is too long.
My debut collection must be perfect.
We haven't been working day and night for the last two weeks to make errors.
The devil is in the details, and I'm about to start worshiping Satan.
Blair, here is the list of it girls walking in tonight's show.
I am so glad Charlotte Casiraghi agreed to be our centerpiece girl.
She is a veritable style icon and the only Monegasque who doesn't hold a grudge.
That is the genius of our strategy.
So what, we missed Fashion Week.
People always take their style cues from real life it girls, anyway.
Our buyers will clamor for the collection the second they see it.
Oui, Blair, which reminds me, I'll go confirm Charlotte's flight now.
Miss Blair, you have no moment for rest in days.
I bring you health shake with kale.
The only green that I'm concerned with right now is the shade of harem pants Lauren Bush will be donning tonight.
Quel d�sastre.
Charlotte's lawyers say she has a conflict with another endorsement.
They've made her drop out of the show.
What do we do? Not to worry, Jean Pierre.
I've got this under control.
We'll just have to find someone even more fabulous to feature as the face of Waldorf Designs.
Thank you.
So, sweetie, what's on tap at school today? Do you want some berries? I got 'em fresh at the farmer's market.
Hey, if you wanna be rude to me, I'll put up with it as part of my parental duty, but there is no excuse to be impolite to Serena.
Ah, it's fine.
No, it's not.
Sage, what's the deal? You've been cutting school, and you dropped out out of all the activities that used to matter to you.
Our agreement was that you could date Nate if he didn't distract you from what's important.
Please leave Nate out of this.
Hey.
Look at that.
She actually speaks.
You weren't around all summer, and now all of a sudden, you're the world's awesomest dad trying to impress your trophy girlfriend? Okay.
Wow.
I didn't know that you felt that way, but now that I do, let's talk about it.
Hi, Nate.
No, it's a great time to talk.
Well, there went your teachable moment.
You know, I just don't know what to do with her.
You know, her grades are abysmal.
College is right around the corner.
You know, I hate to say it, but maybe I introduced the two of you too soon.
Well, speaking as someone who had a lot of stepparent types waltz in and out of my life, I know it can be tough, but we'll make it through it, okay? I really, really want that.
Well, it sounds like there's a "but" coming.
Yeah.
I just, you know, wonder if I moved a little too fast here.
I make no excuses for the way she's acting, but she's still a kid.
You know, if she's this upset, I need to deal with it.
Well, yeah, you should definitely talk to her.
You know, I was I was thinking more like, um you know, maybe you and I should take a break.
You know, it's the last thing in the world that I want, but I should focus on Sage, you know, get her Get her back on track.
Well, what if I talk to her? You did hear everything she just said about you.
Well, yeah, but I know how to relate to girls like Sage because I was a girl like Sage not too long ago.
Well, at this point she could hardly hate either of us more.
Therefore, we have nothing to lose.
She'll come around, I promise.
Okay? Okay.
I heard you on the phone earlier this morning.
Didn't sound like Blair.
Deeper voice, darker mind.
My Uncle Jack.
Ah.
His people on the ground in Dubai are helping me to find out who the mystery man with Bart in Amira's photo is.
Did he come up with anything? Not yet.
We got a partial plate off the car.
Tracked down the restaurant it was parked outside of.
So that's a good place to start asking questions.
Well, that's good news.
I mean, maybe someone in the area will recognize him, you know? Yeah, let's hope so.
I may be negotiating with t*rrorists, but you're harboring a fugitive.
Come on, Monkey.
I I'm sorry about that, man.
He's, you know No, Chuck's barbs don't bother me.
Anything beats having Georgina watch me sleep.
I'm just grateful for a place to crash.
Well, as your roommate and publisher, I am pleased to report that "The Spectator" is finally ready to post its very first Humphrey original.
Hey, it's a good day, and it's only 9:00 a.
m.
Before I publish, would you wanna warn the subject of this week's serial? You know, let 'em know that they're about to be totally skewered? Yeah.
Uh, yeah, no.
No, I'd rather not.
Are you sure? I mean, this is kinda like when you start sleeping with someone's ex.
It's better better that they hear it from you first.
You should know.
So should you.
You think Graydon Carter makes a courtesy call to the Astors before publishing an expose on them? Yeah, actually.
Post it.
How's the invite list for the gallery opening coming along? Speaking of, who will you be escorting? 'Cause I have the perfect suggestion.
Me.
Well, I would love nothing more than to have you on my arm, uh, but before we announce our relationship status to the world, I have to tell my kids first.
Uh, Jenny sent her blessing from London, but I still haven't connected with Dan.
Well, he'd better hurry up and get back from Europe so I can officially be your girlfriend.
Well, he was gonna do some traveling after his writer's retreat, but he should be back any day now, and I'm sure he'll reach out to us as soon as he returns.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
Look at this.
So who is our new it girl? She's impossible to find.
I've called all of our contacts.
This is Manhattan.
There's an it girl on every corner.
Even on this corner? I can't walk in my show.
Not you.
Serena.
When I was in high school, my mom was remarried a lot.
That must have been so hard for you.
Yeah, it actually was, and I learned the hard way that, you know, if you act out, you're only hurting yourself, so please just try to care about college and stay involved in your extracurriculars.
You're so right, Serena.
And they say you can't be pretty and smart.
And try to go easy on your dad, please.
He's he's a really good man.
That's why I fell in love with him.
Okay, now my ears are bleeding.
But it's cool to talk to someone my own age who actually gets it.
I promise I'll turn over a new leaf.
Thanks, Serena.
Hold on one second.
What do you want? I'm not even going to pretend to be calling you as a friend right now because you have made it quite clear that you are not mine, but I do have a mutually beneficial business opportunity.
I highly doubt that.
I need a power it girl to walk in my show.
You made a splash at the Central Park Conservancy Gala.
I'm guessing that you need something equally as exciting to follow it up.
Oh, well, your concern for my social standing really tugs at my heartstrings, but a fashion show is hardly a life crisis.
It is to me.
My back is up against the wall, and not in a hot Chuck Bass kind of way.
You and I have known each other long enough that we are like family, which means that we have earned the right to hate each other from time to time, but that doesn't mean that there's not still love underneath.
Come on, Serena.
Please.
How many times have I saved you? It's your turn to save me back.
I'm saving someone else now Steven's daughter Sage.
My only focus is her and keeping her on track.
They're my new family.
Maybe you should find a new one, too.
You know what? If Serena doesn't wanna be family, then that's fine.
She can dive right from the gene pool to the cesspool.
My mother is my family.
My mother is always watching like the "Mona Lisa.
" Like the "Mona Lisa" with a lot of expectations! You look pale Like "Mona Lisa.
" This business is my namesake.
It is the family jewel.
It is what Chuck paid my dowry to save! If I'm not successful at this, we might not even end up together! We all root for you to be Blair Waldorf-Bass.
I must match my mother's hard work, dedication, and success.
I can't let her down.
I can't let Chuck down.
Can't let myself down.
They say history repeats itself, but looks like B.
is charting a brand-new course to epic collapse.
Excuse me.
Hey, have you seen this girl? Are you Serena? Yeah.
Yeah.
Where is she? Uh, you just missed her, but she did say you would take care of this.
Hello? Yeah, yeah, everything went as well as it could have.
She thinks just like I did when I was 17.
It's like looking in a mirror.
It seems as if you're suffering from severe exhaustion and dehydration.
Have you been sleeping? Eating? Do I look like I've been eating? Don't insult me.
Miss Blair running around like rhesus monkey.
She take no moment for sleeping or eating or resting or stopping.
Is exhausting me, too.
I have been working harder than a farmhand, but I do have a multimillion dollar brand to build and a fashion show to oversee tonight, so if you'll excuse me.
You're not going anywhere.
If you wanna be at that show, you need to be on bed rest and I.
V.
fluids.
Where did you find this quack? Oh.
Oh! Perhaps I am a wee bit tired.
I'll prepare the I.
V.
I guess I'll just have to deal with running my empire from my own sickbed.
Oh, the state of your shirt makes me think Sage must be close.
Yeah, well, you just missed her.
Where could she have disappeared to now? I just searched every floor of Barney's twice.
You try doing that without stopping to browse at either of the shoe departments.
I think you should just give up the chase.
I can't.
I'm supposed to be mentoring her.
You? Mentor? Just go with it.
She may be 17, but she is wise beyond her years.
She's high school you times ten, believe me.
But Sage's entire goal is to destroy mine and Steven's relationship, and she's succeeding at it, because I've been lying to him all day.
I'm supposed to be keeping her on the straight and narrow, and I have no idea where she is.
Well, if you feel so guilty, maybe you should just come clean.
I can't.
If he knows that I messed this up, he'll wanna take a break, and that's the last thing I want.
He's the most important person in my life right now.
Look, it's his job to handle her, not yours.
Oh, you're right.
Okay.
As hard as it's gonna be, I think I just have to admit defeat.
Well, good luck with that.
I'm around if you need to talk.
Thanks.
You here on one of your famous blackmail missions? I hope you got it all on film.
Suck it, Humphrey.
You should probably button up your shirt.
You are editor-in-chief now.
I just can't figure out how Dan found out about us.
I should have called him so he heard it from me.
He must be in shock.
Oh, my God.
Rufus, you are too good for your own good.
I mean, your son trashes you in the press, and you think you're to blame.
I mean, it was bad enough when Dan fictionalized you in his last book, but this is next level.
I need to talk to him immediately.
Talk? Isn't that what you did last time? And look how well that turned out.
I mean, he's using real names and distorting the truth.
It's libel.
These ad numbers seem pretty promising.
I think my serial might give "The Spectator" a real boost.
Yeah, and more importantly, judging by these online comments at least, the Rufus piece has reached a whole new readership.
I mean, people who actually read over 35s who love vintage indie rock and dirt on other people's divorces.
And since my dad isn't exactly in the "Gossip Girl" demo, there's no way she can undermine this story.
Oh, come on.
This says your dad is gonna sue you, me, and "The Spectator.
" And "Gossip Girl" is breaking the news.
Jean Pierre? You are ruining everything.
The runway is the wrong color.
And who approved those wigs? Even Nicki Minaj knows better.
We will change it all paint the runway, ditch the wigs.
Is that Nelly Yuki I see in the background? She's there for her exclusive interview.
Stall her.
Tell her she's pretty.
She's never heard those words strung together before.
It couldn't get worse, Dorota.
I still haven't found my it girl, and now Nelly Yuki is sniffing around like one of Valentino's little dogs.
Jean Pierre should put a muzzle on her.
Jean Pierre thinks "Muzzle" is the name of our D.
J.
I don't know who else to call.
The minions are on probation because of Poppy-gate, and Dan is still furious with me.
I just want someone who can read my mind.
Is that too much to ask? Hello, Blair.
Serena.
Your ears must be burning.
Yeah? Why? I was just telling my dad about the great opportunity you got me.
Of course.
The great opportunity.
You scored me a prime spot walking in Blair Waldorf's fashion show tonight.
I did, and it's just so exciting.
Who better for me to learn from than a young businesswoman like Blair, running her own company? I do applaud entrepreneurship.
This could lead to a summer internship or maybe a whole career in fashion.
I was just happy to do anything for for sweet Sage.
You know, this is great news.
My two girls getting along.
Thank you.
This means a lot.
You thought I ratted you out, didn't you? Do you really think I care about your childhood baggage? I go to therapy.
I have enough of my own.
Hey, I was just trying to help.
How'd you get a spot in Blair's show? I didn't.
You'll get me in.
Uh it's not that easy.
Nothing ever is with Blair.
Well, then I'll just have to tell my dad that I finally found my true calling, and you squashed it by telling your B.
F.
F.
not to hire me.
They say don't hate the player, hate the game.
But when you invented the rules, losing really stings.
I knew nobody keep you in bed except Mr.
Chuck.
That's why I call him.
I would love to spend the day with you under the duvet, but you're exhausted.
And I know from my brief stint as a candy stripper that an I.
V.
can be quite a hindrance.
So how may I serve? I can't pull you away from taking down Bart.
Well, my hands may be momentarily tied when it comes to my mission against my father.
Task me, Blair.
I can't.
Tasks are for minions or Dan Humphrey.
On second thought, I know exactly what you need done.
And I know exactly how you like it.
No instructions necessary.
Dorota.
I'm feverish! Elton John won $150,000 from "The Sunday Mirror," and all they wrote was he was on some sort of diet where he chewed his food but didn't swallow.
Well, don't worry.
I'm pretty sure my father swallows.
Dan, this isn't funny.
This is exactly why I was saying you should speak to Rufus in the first place.
No, but this isn't like my father at all.
I mean, granted, nothing he's been doing has really been in character, but I just don't believe he would sue.
The last thing he wants to do is tell the truth, the whole truth about banging Ivy Dickens on my sofa.
That doesn't mean that he isn't gonna try to make a point or get a settlement.
Nate, look, if I if I know my dad, all he wants to do is give me a lecture from his perch on mount-holier-than-thou.
We'll be fine.
I'll I'll go talk to him, but just try and take a deep breath and maybe a Xanax or two.
So the show will open with this track.
Here's a list of the rest of the set here with time stamps.
Chuck.
What do you think? I'm speechless.
Is it everything you desired? You read me like tea leaves, Chuck Bass.
It's Jack.
He has a lead on the man in the photo.
I have to Go.
Tonight will be Perfect because of you.
Go find that man.
It means we're one step closer to being together.
Go.
Oh, the ice woman cometh.
I wanted to apologize about our conversation earlier.
I I know that I was way out of line.
Save it, Serena.
What do you want? I need Sage to be in your fashion show.
Ironic, since I need a fabulous it girl to walk in my show.
But Sage is in high school.
Sorry.
Can't help you.
This is your opportunity to discover Sage.
Look, Karl found Naomi.
Calvin invented Christy.
People love a fresh, new face.
So what you're saying is that you wanna use me, your non-family, to make a good impression on your new real family.
Yeah.
Yeah, having Sage in your show will save my relationship with Steven.
Okay.
I'll do it.
Thank you.
On one condition.
For some reason, people care what you think.
So you will sit front row in vintage Eleanor Waldorf, applaud wildly, and gush to anyone who will listen about how fabulous my new collection is.
Done.
You have a deal.
It was almost nice doing business with you.
Sage, come meet Blair.
You're in.
Oh, and stunning.
Thank you.
Tonight's gonna be amazing.
Sage will be working the runway.
Steven and I will be sitting in front row.
But starting tomorrow, you're gonna start caring about some things, okay? I am? Yeah, like attending school and after school activities and making it home in time for curfew and being so, so kind to your father.
Do we understand each other? Perfectly.
I'm so happy we're all getting along.
I have a feeling tonight's going to be very memorable.
Careful, ladies.
Turns out Sage might be a wolf in B.
's clothing.
Thank you.
Can't wait to see your line.
Eleanor will not be attending tonight's show because she trusts me completely.
I feel honored to have earned that trust and excited about the future of Waldorf Designs.
Blair? This way.
Excuse me.
Great.
Oh, thank you.
Here you go.
To Sage's big night and to you for making this all happen.
Oh, and to us and nothing standing in the way of our future.
I'll drink to that.
Oh, of course, when I told you to speak with her, I imagine you igniting her interest in horseback riding or, you know, maybe joining the volleyball team.
You know, modeling wasn't exactly the after school activity I had in mind.
Well, this isn't just about modeling, though.
I mean, Blair has an incredible group of women wearing her clothes, from activists to businesswomen to actresses.
Sage is in great company.
Okay.
Serena.
Steven.
It is such a pleasure to have you here tonight.
Welcome.
And I'm so glad that Sage is in the show.
She's gonna be beautiful.
Can't wait.
Oh.
Look, I see, uh, Anderson Cooper over there.
Excuse me.
I should go congratulate him on his old news becoming new news if that makes sense.
Let me show you your seat.
Okay, well, I need a good view if I'm going to applaud.
Why isn't there a seat for Steven here? Serena, this is prime fashion real estate.
I had to save all the best seats for journalists and influencers, not do-gooding dads, but not to worry.
Steven has a very nice seat behind you in the third row right there.
No, that is so disrespectful.
Do you even care that we're here? Well, of course I care.
You are so transparent, Blair.
You couldn't have a seat for my boyfriend next to me because you had to save it for one of your indentured minions.
Well, th that's not true.
Why even bother to make a deal with me to have me fake-clap when you've already got one of your sl*ves writing a fake story about how wonderful your line is? For your information, I'm a very real "Women's Wear Daily" reporter.
Yes, Nelly Yuki, a very real reporter who happens to look incredibly gorgeous tonight and who I am thrilled to have sitting in the front row.
And I haven't the slightest clue what fake deal Serena is referring to.
Nobody likes a fashion counterfeit.
You're right.
I would never be caught dead wearing a knockoff, and if tonight really is about honesty, then maybe I will sit next to Nelly, and I will give her all of my genuine opinions.
That's right.
Serena.
All your true, nice opinions.
Nobody likes a Debbie Downer or a Serena sabotage.
I'm sorry that I didn't let you read it first.
That would've been the honest thing to do.
And I'm sorry that you had to find out about Ivy from someone other than me.
But We're together now, and, uh, admittedly, it's it's getting serious.
W dad, she she's a known con artist.
She swindled Lily and her entire family.
And, you may remember from my article, she tried to have sex with me and asked me to call her "Serena.
" Dan, you're my son, and we have to find a way to put this behind us.
But when it comes to Ivy, you're way out of line.
I'm an adult, and you need to respect my decision to be with her.
Being with her is the adult decision? Throughout my entire life, you have portrayed yourself as the moral compass, the guy who always does the right thing.
According to Rufus Humphrey, there's no road like the high road.
Yes, I believe in doing the right thing.
So can't you see what you're doing with your life? Your whole thing is a lie.
At least I wrote the truth, and the truth, which, by the way, is a defense against a libel, so you've got no case.
Case? I don't want a case.
I just wanna have a real conversation with my son, so let me know if you see him around.
I will.
I gotta go.
That didn't sound like it went very well.
Did you leak news that I was threatening to sue my son? I am definitely the luckiest guy in Manhattan.
I look okay? You look amazing.
And if I spend any more time back here staring at you, that robe's gonna end up crumpled up in the corner.
So I'm just gonna wish you luck and take my seat.
Can it end up crumpled in the corner later? Absolutely.
You know, this looks nice on you, but I think I have something Serena might like even better.
Come with me.
Erica Winograd! It's great seeing one of my advertisers out on the town.
Likewise, Nate.
Listen, I wanted to thank you for choosing to advertise with us at "The Spectator" this week.
It's been a real pleasure doing business with you and your team.
We were very excited about Dan Humphrey's inaugural serial.
We knew it would draw a lot of eyeballs.
And it has, and I know Dan's piece next week will garner even more attention.
You should definitely think about buying up some more space for that one as well.
We did, Nate, in "Vanity Fair.
" Wait.
I'm I'm sorry.
What? Dan's serial is continuing in "Vanity Fair.
" Yeah, I thought "The Spectator" was just a onetime occurrence, which is too bad for me because Graydon is charging ten times as much as you did for ad space.
I'm sorry, Erica.
I I have to go right now.
And different.
You know, it could work.
She pulls it off.
I like it.
H have you guys lost your minds? This isn't fashion forward or provocative or couture.
It it's exploitation, and it's embarrassing.
Okay, Alexa, it's your turn.
Show must go on.
No one cares about one person's silly opinion.
So strut! Yep, I'm out of here.
There's no way in hell I'm going out there.
Oh.
Don't go.
W It's B.
's party, and she'll cry if she wants to, 'cause looks like this birthday suit isn't exactly cause for celebration.
I only did it because I wanted to protect you.
No one ever stands up for you.
I thought if I threatened a lawsuit on "Gossip Girl," "The Spectator" would have to retract Dan's piece.
Standing up for me is one thing, but you shouldn't interfere in matters between me and my son.
I I apologize, Rufus.
I wasn't thinking about the consequences, but Dan did publish this piece to hurt you.
There are other ways to fight back, Ivy.
No.
The only way to deal with the world of the Upper East Side is to fight fire with fire.
Dan may have been an innocent Brooklyn boy once, but while you weren't looking, he became as ruthless as any Park Avenue prince.
I'm sorry I inserted myself in your battle, but it broke my heart to see you trashed so viciously.
Well, his words may have been nasty, but Dan wrote the truth.
We are together.
And I want you by my side, here and at the gallery opening.
Mmm.
Why the hell do my advertisers think that "Vanity Fair" is publishing the rest of your serial? Because they are.
Dan, we had a deal.
A handshake is hardly a deal.
Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna hit you.
I told you last week it was a bad idea to mix business and friendship.
You wanted me to go to Rufus before publishing the piece, and today when he when he threatened a lawsuit, you freaked out.
I was trying to protect my newspaper.
What do you want me to say? "Vanity Fair" is the big-time, and the more readers I have, the more power I have.
It is that simple.
I thought we were in this together.
We were, and then something better came long.
Okay, now I know I wanna hit you.
Come on, Nate.
You know you and all of your other friends would've done the exact same thing in my position.
You know what? Don't bother coming back to The Empire.
Find another place to stay.
I thought you might say that.
Dave Berger.
You used to work for Bart Bass a while back as a bodyguard.
He fired me.
I got nothing to say about that guy.
I just have a few questions about a weekend you spent with Bart in Dubai, about four years ago.
Like I said, I got nothing.
Mr.
Bass makes everyone sign a nondisclosure agreement.
I don't know who you are, but I know better than to cross him.
Think of me as a friend, a compadre, a fellow fighter.
This gym is pretty nice.
It's all right.
Perhaps you'd like to own it instead of just working here.
Personally, I've always taken great pleasure in being my own boss.
How could you do this to me? Just because I didn't give your geriatric boyfriend a seat doesn't mean that you had to tell Sage to sabotage my show! Save it, Blair.
You were so upset that I care more about Steven than your show that you had to destroy my relationship.
I didn't tell her to take off the dress.
You did.
No, I didn't.
I would much rather avoid the child p*rn*graphy charges.
Well, if I didn't tell her to take off the dress, and you didn't tell her to take off the dress, then who did? I happened to like the underwear more.
Sage, you get in this car right now.
We are going home.
I'll see you later.
Looks like these besties were bested by a newbie.
When Sage's dress came off, they both came undone.
Steven, I'm so sorry.
It's all my fault.
She's right.
It is all her fault.
She gave me all this advice and told me to use her as a role model.
Save it, Sage.
I know you set Serena up.
I should've known as soon as you started talking about the fashion show that you were planning something.
Serena isn't the one who should be apologizing.
It's you.
I'm waiting.
Serena, I'm sorry that you weren't clever enough to figure out what I was up to.
Sage, I am warning you.
I apologize.
I shouldn't have taken advantage of you.
It won't happen again.
Good.
Now I'm gonna contemplate your punishment while I make us all some tea.
It's been a very long night.
For the record, I didn't mean a word of that.
I'm not sorry at all.
Well, for the record, I don't care.
Why don't you just try to wrap your little machiavellian brain around the fact that your father and I are gonna be together no matter what you do? So you're gonna have to get used to me, sweetheart.
Chamomile or mint? I just got off the phone with Jean Pierre.
It's a fashion prognosis of disastrous proportion.
Not one buyer has made an appointment to place an order.
And to make things worse, Nelly Yuki trashed me in "Women's Wear Daily.
" "Can Blair Waldorf step into her mother's shoes, or is her Achilles' heel of the stripper variety?" Dorota, I have been relegated to clear heels and Kardashian tastes! I always know this Nelly a real snake.
It doesn't even matter if the clothes are good.
Serena walked out, and everyone followed.
Once again, I have been defeated at the hands of Serena Van Der Woodsen.
She's the double-edged sword of my very existence.
Miss Blair must keep chin up, must keep company going.
You will make Miss Eleanor proud.
I know because I proud already.
My mother.
How am I gonna explain this to her? Eleanor Waldorf does not take kindly to the "F" word "Failure.
" Save the Dom, Chuck.
I would rather die.
I am the laughingstock of the fashion press.
The clothes were beautiful, and you are beautiful, and that is something we need to celebrate.
You say celebrate.
I say drown my sorrows.
Give me the bottle.
Tolstoy wrote that all happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, especially on the Upper East Side.
You know, Sage can be a handful, but you handled tonight with true grace.
I'm impressed.
Mmm.
Some are only too happy to be distracted from their pain.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Well, I had an awful day with "The Spectator.
" I had a really awful day with the Serena.
I'm not wearing my robe anymore, but my clothes can still end up in the corner.
Well I guess I could help you out with that.
While others choose to bite the hand that feeds them, even when they have no idea where their next meal is coming from.
I heard you sold your serial to "Vanity Fair" this morning.
I can't believe they bought it ten minutes after it was posted.
You're very up on current events.
Word travels fast in the publishing industry.
I guess you took my advice and started playing by your own rules.
How does it feel? Uh, weird.
Kinda dirty but good.
Like you said, the truth is a very powerful thing.
Well, if you have nowhere to go you can always stay with me.
Are you Dan Humphrey? I am.
I read your piece in "The Spectator" today and I loved it.
Can I buy you a drink? Absolutely.
So there you have it.
Dave Berger worked as a bodyguard for my father.
He was there that weekend with Amira.
Dave drove Bart to meet someone named Lady Alexander.
Dave wasn't in the meeting, so that's all he could tell me.
I don't know who she is, what she does, or even where to start looking for her.
We will find her.
I'm all yours, mind, body, and scheme.
You helped me with my show tonight, and, at least for the first few hours before the big fashion fiasco, everything was perfect.
And I can help you, too.
Let's face it.
We need each other.
I need you right now.
For one night, make an exception.
A gentleman wouldn't take advantage of a lady who's had more than her half of the bottle of Dom.
But the exception I'll make is this we join forces, combine our power, and achieve our goals that much sooner.
Ahem.
Fine.
We're in this together.
And I will try with every fiber of my being to behave.
But whether your family is happy or unhappy, it's always best to stick together because some ties are simply unbreakable.
X.
O.
X.
O.
, Gossip Girl.
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6x03 - Dirty Rotten Scandals
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Privileged teens living on the Upper Eastside of New York City. You know you love me. xoxo
Privileged teens living on the Upper Eastside of New York City. You know you love me. xoxo
Re: 6x03 - Dirty Rotten Scandals
(OG version)
WOMAN:
Where has she been?
GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?
That's one secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me. XOXO...
...Gossip Girl.
GOSSIP GIRL: Manhattan has weathered
her share of storms...
...heat waves, hurricanes
and even an earthquake.
But these days, it looks like
a new force of nature...
...is taking shape
on the Upper East Side.
[BLAIR SIGHS]
There's nothing I love more than the
sound of a sweatshop in the morning.
That hemline is too short.
And that one is too long.
My debut collection must be perfect.
We haven't been working day and night
for the last two weeks to make errors.
The devil is in the details, and I am
about to start worshipping Satan.
Blair, here's the list of it girls
walking in tonight's show.
I am so glad Charlotte Casiraghi
agreed to be our centerpiece girl.
She's a veritable style icon and the only
Monegasque who doesn't hold a grudge.
That is the genius of our strategy.
So what, we missed fashion week.
People always take their style cues
from real-life it girls anyway.
Our buyers will clamor for the collection
the second they see it.
Oui, Blair. Which reminds me,
I'll go confirm Charlotte's flight now.
Miss Blair.
You have no moment for rest in days.
I bring you health shake with kale.
The only green
I'm concerned with now...
...is the shade of harem pants
Lauren Bush will be donning tonight.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Charlotte's lawyers say she has a
conflict with another endorsement.
They've made her drop out of the show.
What do we do?
Not to worry, Jean Pierre.
I've got this under control.
We'll find someone even more fabulous
to feature as the face of Waldorf Designs.
Thank you.
So, sweetie, what's on tap
at school today?
[PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
Do you want some berries?
I got them fresh at the farmer's market.
Hey, if you wanna be rude to me, I'll put
up with it as part of my parental duty...
...but there is no excuse
to be impolite to Serena.
-It's fine.
-No, it's not.
Sage, what's the deal?
You're cutting school, you dropped out
of activities that used to matter to you.
Our agreement was
you could date Nate if he...
...didn't distract you
from what's important.
Leave Nate out of this.
Hey, look at that. She actually speaks.
[SCOFFS]
You weren't around all summer and
now you're the world's awesomest dad...
-...trying to impress your girlfriend?
-Okay. Wow.
I didn't know that you felt that way.
But now that I do, let's talk about it.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hi, Nate. No, it's a great time to talk.
[STEVEN SIGHS]
-There went your teachable moment.
-I just don't know what to do with her.
Her grades are abysmal
and college is around the corner.
You know, I hate to say it, but maybe
I introduced the two of you too soon.
Speaking as someone who had a lot
of stepparent types waltz in and out...
...I know it can be tough.
But we'll make it through it, okay?
I really, really want that.
Sounds like there's a "but" coming.
I just wonder if I moved
a little too fast here.
I make no excuses for the way
she's acting, but she's still a kid.
-If she's this upset, I need to deal with it.
-Yeah, you should definitely talk to her.
I was thinking more like...
...you know, maybe you and I
should take a break.
It's the last thing I want, but I should
focus on Sage, get her back on track.
Well, what if I talk to her?
You did hear everything
she just said about you?
Yeah, but I know how to relate
to girls like Sage.
Because I was a girl like Sage
not too long ago.
Well, at this point, she could hardly
hate either of us more...
-...therefore, we have nothing to lose.
-She'll come around, I promise.
-Okay?
-Okay.
I heard you on the phone this morning.
Didn't sound like Blair.
-Deeper voice, darker mind. Uncle Jack.
-Ah.
His people on the ground in Dubai
are helping me to find out...
...who the mystery man with Bart
in Amira's photo is.
-Come up with anything?
-Not yet.
We got a partial off the car,
tracked the restaurant it was outside of.
-A good place to start asking questions.
-That's good news.
Maybe someone in the area
will recognize him.
Yeah, let's hope so.
I may be negotiating with t*rrorists,
but you're harboring a fugitive.
[DOG WHIMPERS]
Come on, Monkey.
-Sorry about that. He's-- You know.
-Chuck's barbs don't bother me.
Anything beats having Georgina watch
me sleep. I'm grateful for a place to crash.
As your roommate and publisher, I'm
pleased to report that The Spectator...
...is ready to post
its very first Humphrey original.
Hey. It's a good day and it's only 9 a.m.
Before I publish, would you
wanna warn the subject?
Let them know
they're about to be skewered?
-Yeah. Uh, yeah, no, I'd rather not.
-Are you sure?
This is like when you start sleeping
with someone's ex.
-Better that they hear it from you first.
-You should know.
So should you.
Think Graydon Carter makes a call to
the Astors before publishing an exposé?
-Yeah, actually.
-Post it.
[SIGHS]
RUFUS: How's the invite list
for the gallery coming along?
Speaking of, who will you be escorting?
Because I have the perfect suggestion.
Me.
I would love nothing more
than to have you on my arm.
But before we announce our relationship
status, I have to tell to my kids first.
Jenny sent her blessing from London.
I still haven't connected with Dan.
He better hurry up and get back from
Europe so I can be your girlfriend.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
He was gonna travel after his writer's
retreat, but he should be back any day.
And I'm sure he'll reach out to us
as soon as he returns.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
Look at this.
So who is our new it girl?
She's impossible to find.
I've called all of our contacts.
This is Manhattan.
There's an it girl on every corner.
Even on this corner?
-I can't walk in my own show.
-Not you. Serena.
When I was in high school,
my mom was remarried. A lot.
-That must've been so hard for you.
-Yeah, it actually was.
I learned the hard way that if you
act out, you're only hurting yourself.
So please try to care about college and
stay involved in your extracurriculars.
You're right, Serena. And they say
you can't be pretty and smart.
And try to go easy on your dad, please.
He's a good man.
That's why I fell in love with him.
My ears are bleeding. But it's cool to
talk to someone my own age who gets it.
I promise I'll turn over a new leaf.
Thanks, Serena.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hold on one second.
What do you want?
I'm not going to pretend
to be calling you as a friend...
...because you have made it clear
that you are not mine.
But I do have a mutually beneficial
business opportunity.
-I highly doubt that.
-I need an it girl to walk in my show.
You made a splash at
the Central Park Conservancy Gala.
I'm guessing you need something
equally as exciting to follow it up.
Oh, your concern for my social standing
really tugs at my heartstrings.
But a fashion show is hardly a life crisis.
It is to me. My back is up against a wall,
not in a hot, Chuck Bass kind of way.
We've known each other
long enough that we're like family.
We have earned the right
to hate each other from time to time.
It doesn't mean
there's not still love underneath.
Come on, Serena. Please.
How many times have I saved you?
It's your turn to save me back.
I'm saving someone else now.
Steven's daughter, Sage.
My only focus is her and keeping her
on track. They're my new family.
Maybe you should find a new one too.
[SIGHS]
You know what?
If Serena doesn't wanna be family,
then that's fine.
She can dive right from the gene pool
to the cesspool.
My mother is my family.
My mother is always watching.
Like the Mona Lisa. Like the Mona Lisa
with a lot of expectations.
You look pale like Mona Lisa.
This business is my namesake.
It is the family jewel.
It is what Chuck paid my dowry to save.
If I'm not successful at this,
we might not even end up together.
We all root for you...
...to be Blair Waldorf-Bass.
I must match my mother's hard work,
dedication, success. I can't let her down.
I can't let Chuck down.
I can't let myself down.
GOSSIP GIRL:
They say history repeats itself.
But looks like B is charting
a brand-new course to epic collapse.
Excuse me.
Hey, have you seen this girl?
-Are you Serena?
-Yeah, where is she?
You just missed her, but she did say
you would take care of this.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Yeah, everything went
as well as it could have.
She thinks just like I did when I was 17.
It's like looking in a mirror.
It seems you're suffering
from severe exhaustion and dehydration.
Have you been sleeping? Eating?
Do I look like I've been eating?
Don't insult me.
Miss Blair running around like monkey.
She take no moment for sleeping
or eating or resting or stopping.
Is exhausting me too.
I have been working harder
than a farmhand...
...but I do have a multimillion-dollar
brand to build...
...and a fashion show to oversee
tonight. If you'll excuse me--
You're not going. If you wanna be at that
show, you need bed rest and IV fluids.
Where did you find this quack?
Oh. Oh.
Perhaps I am a wee bit tired.
I'll prepare the IV.
I'll guess I'll have to deal with running
my empire from my own sickbed.
Oh. The state of your shirt makes me
think Sage must be close.
Yeah, well, you just missed her.
Where could she have disappeared to?
I searched every floor of Barneys twice.
Try doing that without stopping
at the shoe departments.
I think you should give up the chase.
-I can't. I'm supposed to mentor her.
-Heh. You? A mentor?
Just go with it.
She may be 17, but she is wise beyond
her years. She's high school you times 10.
Sage's entire goal is to destroy mine
and Steven's relationship.
She's succeeding because
I've been lying to him.
I'm supposed to be keeping her
on the straight and narrow.
If you feel so guilty,
maybe you should just come clean.
Can't. He knows I messed up,
he'll wanna take a break.
That's the last thing I want. He's
the most important person in my life.
It's his job to handle her, not yours.
You're right. Okay, as hard as it's gonna
be, I think I just have to admit defeat.
-Good luck. I'm around if you need to talk.
-Thanks.
You here on one of your blackmail
missions? Hope you got it on film.
Suck it, Humphrey.
You should probably button your shirt.
You are editor-in-chief.
RUFUS: I can't figure out
how Dan found out about us.
I should have called him so he heard it
from me. He must be in shock.
[GROANS]
Oh, my God. Rufus, you are too good
for your own good.
Your son trashes you in the press
and you think you're to blame.
It was bad when Dan fictionalized you
in his last book, but this is next level.
-I need to talk to him immediately.
-Talk?
Isn't that what you did last time?
And look how well that turned out.
He's using real names
and distorting the truth. It's libel.
These ad numbers seem promising. My
serial might give The Spectator a boost.
More importantly, judging by comments,
the Rufus piece reached a new readership.
People who read. Over-35s who love
vintage rock, dirt on people's divorces.
My dad's not in the Gossip Girl demo,
no way she can undermine the story.
[PHONES BEEPING]
Oh, come on.
This says your dad is gonna sue
you, me and The Spectator.
And Gossip Girl is breaking the news.
Jean Pierre,
you are ruining everything.
The runway is the wrong color.
And who approved those wigs?
Even Nicki Minaj knows better.
We will change it all.
Paint the runway, ditch the wigs.
Is that Nelly Yuki in the background?
She's there for her exclusive interview.
Stall. Tell her she's pretty. She's never
heard those words together before.
It couldn't get worse, Dorota.
I still haven't found my it girl.
And now Nelly Yuki is sniffing around
like one of Valentino's little dogs.
Jean Pierre should put muzzle on her.
Jean Pierre thinks muzzle is the name
of our DJ. I don't know who else to call.
The minions are on probation because
of Poppygate and Dan is still furious.
I just want someone who can read
my mind. Is that too much to ask?
Hello, Blair.
Serena. Your ears must be burning.
Yeah? Why?
I was just telling my dad about
the great opportunity you got me.
Of course, the great opportunity.
You scored me a prime spot walking
in Blair Waldorf's fashion show tonight.
I did. And it's just so exciting.
Who better to learn from
than a young businesswoman...
-...running her own company?
-I do applaud entrepreneurship.
This could lead to an internship
or a career in fashion.
I was just happy to do anything
for sweet Sage.
You know, this is great news.
My two girls getting along.
Thank you, this means a lot.
You thought I ratted you out, didn't you?
You think I care about
your childhood baggage?
I go to therapy.
I have enough of my own.
Hey, I was just trying to help.
How'd you get a spot in Blair's show?
I didn't. You'll get me in.
It's not that easy.
Nothing ever is with Blair.
Then I'll tell my dad I finally found
my true calling and you squashed it...
...by telling your BFF not to hire me.
GOSSIP GIRL: They say
don't hate the player, hate the game.
But when you invented the rules,
losing really stings.
I knew nobody keep you in bed
except Mr. Chuck. That's why I call him.
I'd love to spend the day with you
under the duvet, but you're exhausted.
I know from my brief stint as a candy
striper an IV can be quite a hindrance.
So how may I serve?
I can't pull you away
from taking down Bart.
My hands may be tied when it comes
to my mission against my father.
Task me, Blair.
I can't. Tasks are for minions
or Dan Humphrey.
On second thought,
I know exactly what you need done.
And I know exactly how you like it.
No instructions necessary.
[SIGHS]
Dorota.
I'm feverish.
NATE: Elton John won $150,000
from the Sunday Mirror.
All they wrote was that he was on a diet
where he chewed food but didn't swallow.
Don't worry,
I'm pretty sure my father swallows.
This isn't funny. This is why I was
saying you should speak to Rufus first.
This isn't like my father. Granted, nothing
he's been doing has been in character.
But I don't believe he would sue.
The last thing he wants is to tell the
whole truth about banging Ivy Dickens.
That doesn't mean he isn't gonna try to
make a point, or get a settlement.
If I know my dad,
all he wants to do is give me a lecture...
...from his perch on
Mount Holier Than Thou. We'll be fine.
I'll go talk to him. Just try and take
a deep breath, and maybe a Xanax.
The show will open with this track.
Here's a list of the rest with time stamps.
Chuck.
What do you think?
I'm speechless.
Is it everything you desire?
You read me like tea leaves, Chuck Bass.
[PHONE CHIMES]
It's Jack. He has a lead
on the man in the photo. I have to--
Go.
-Tonight will be--
-Perfect. Because of you.
Go find that man. Means we're one step
closer to being together.
Go.
The icewoman cometh.
I want to apologize about our earlier.
I know that I was way out of line.
Save it, Serena. What do you want?
I need Sage to be in your fashion show.
Ironic, since I need a fabulous it girl
to walk in my show.
But Sage is in high school.
Sorry, can't help you.
This is your opportunity
to discover Sage.
Karl found Naomi.
Calvin invented Christy.
People love a fresh, new face.
So, what you're saying is that
you wanna use me, your non-family...
...to make a good impression
on your new, real family.
Yeah. Yeah, having Sage in your show
will save my relationship with Steven.
Okay. I'll do it.
-Thank you.
-On one condition.
For some reason,
people care what you think.
So you will sit front row
in vintage Eleanor Waldorf...
...applaud wildly, and gush
to anyone who will listen...
...about how fabulous
my new collection is.
Done. You have a deal.
It was almost nice
doing business with you.
Sage, come meet Blair. You're in.
-Oh, and stunning.
-Thank you.
Tonight's gonna be amazing.
Sage will be working the runway.
Steven and I will be sitting front row.
But starting tomorrow, you're gonna
start caring about some things.
-I am?
-Yeah. Like attending school...
...after-school activities
and making it home for curfew.
And being so, so kind to your father.
-Do we understand each other?
-Perfectly. I'm happy we're getting along.
I have a feeling tonight's
going to be very memorable.
GOSSIP GIRL: Careful, ladies. Turns out
Sage might be a wolf in B's clothing.
[CHATTERING]
-Thank you.
MAN: Can't wait to see your line.
Eleanor will not be attending tonight's
show because she trusts me completely.
I feel honored to earn that trust, excited
about the future of Waldorf Designs.
-Blair, this way.
-Excuse me.
-There you go.
-Thank you.
To Sage's big night.
And to you, for making this all happen.
And to us and nothing standing
in the way of our future.
I'll drink to that.
Of course, when I told you
to speak with her...
...I imagined you igniting her interest
in horseback riding...
...or, you know, maybe joining
the volleyball team.
You know, modeling wasn't exactly
the after-school activity I had in mind.
This isn't just about modeling, though.
Blair has an incredible group of women
wearing her clothes...
...from activists to businesswomen
to actresses. Sage is in great company.
Okay.
Serena. Steven, it is such a pleasure
to have you here tonight. Welcome.
And I'm so glad that Sage is in the show.
-She's gonna be beautiful.
-I can't wait. Heh, heh.
Oh, look, I see Anderson Cooper
over there.
Excuse me. I should go congratulate him
on his old news becoming new news...
...if that makes sense.
Let me show you your seat.
Okay, well, I need a good view
if I'm going to applaud.
Why isn't there a seat for Steven here?
This is prime fashion real estate.
I had to save all the best seats...
...for journalists and influencers,
not do-gooding dads.
But not to worry, Steven has a very
nice seat behind you in the third row.
-Right there.
-That is so disrespectful.
-Do you even care that we're here?
-Well, of course I care.
You're so transparent. You couldn't have
a seat for my boyfriend next to me...
...because you had to save it
for one of your indentured minions.
Wh--? That's not true.
SERENA:
Why bother to make a deal with me...
...to fake clap when you've got
a sl*ve writing a fake story...
...about how wonderful your line is?
I'm a very real
Women's Wear Daily reporter.
Yes, Nelly Yuki, a very real reporter...
...who happens to look
incredibly gorgeous tonight...
...and who I am thrilled to have
sitting in the front row.
I haven't the slightest clue what
"fake deal" Serena is referring to.
Nobody likes a fashion counterfeit.
Right, I'd never be caught dead wearing
a knockoff. If tonight is about honesty...
...then maybe I will sit next to Nelly and I
will give her all of my genuine opinions.
Uh--
That's right, Serena.
All your true, nice opinions.
Nobody likes a Debbie Downer
or a Serena Sabotage.
Sorry I didn't let you read it first.
It would've been the honest thing to do.
And I'm sorry that you had to find out
about Ivy from someone other than me.
But we're together now,
and, admittedly, it's getting serious.
Dad.
She's a known con artist.
She swindled Lily and her entire family.
You may remember she tried
to have sex with me...
...and asked me to call her Serena.
Dan, you're my son...
...and we have to find a way
to put this behind us.
But when it comes to Ivy,
you're way out of line.
I'm an adult and you need to respect
my decision to be with her.
Being with her is the adult decision?
You've portrayed yourself as
the moral compass, does the right thing.
According to Rufus Humphrey,
no road like the high road.
I believe in doing the right thing.
So can't you see what you're doing
with your life? Your whole thing is a lie.
At least I wrote the truth. The truth is a
defense against libel, you've got no case.
Case? I don't want a case.
I just wanna have a real conversation
with my son.
So let me know if you see him around.
[PHONE RINGING]
I will. I gotta go.
That didn't sound like it went very well.
Did you leak news that
I was threatening to sue my son?
[CHATTERING]
I am definitely the luckiest guy
in Manhattan.
-I look okay?
-You look amazing.
If I spend any more time staring at you,
that robe will be in the corner.
-I'll wish you luck, take my seat.
-Can it end up in a corner later?
Absolutely.
This looks nice on you, but I think I have
something Serena might like better.
Come with me.
Erica Winograd. It's great seeing
one of my advertisers out on the town.
Likewise, Nate.
Thank you for choosing to advertise
with us at The Spectator this week.
-It's a pleasure doing business with you.
-We were very excited...
...about Dan Humphrey's inaugural
serial. We knew it would draw eyeballs.
And it has. And I know Dan's piece next
week will garner even more attention.
You should think about buying
some space for that one as well.
We did, Nate. In Vanity Fair.
Wait, I'm sorry. What?
Dan's serial is continuing in Vanity Fair.
I thought The Spectator
was just a one-time occurrence?
Which is too bad for me, Graydon is
charging 10 times as much for ad space.
I'm sorry, Erica, I have to go right now.
[MNDR'S "U.B.C.L." PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
Faux fur on my bed
We're moving slowly
Fill my glass, take it down
Turn off that movie
Paint me gold
You can have my silver jewelry
Keep my sunglasses on
Those colors move me
Falling down, a straight line
Onto the dance floor
DJ, loop this "shh" up
Until the break of day
Why don’t you come along?
Spinning backwards all night long
This rhythm moves along
Why not get emotional?
You can come along
Grab my hand and we’ll both get gone
Say the-- To discretion
Let’s get our party on
[CROWD MURMURING]
WOMAN 1:
Oh, my God.
WOMAN 2:
It's different.
Have you guys lost your minds? This
isn't fashion-forward or provocative...
...or couture. It's exploitation
and it's embarrassing.
Why don’t you come along?
Spinning backwards all night long
This rhythm moves along
Why not get emotional?
You can come along
Grab my hand and we’ll both get gone
Say the-- To discretion
Okay, Alexa. It's your turn. Heh.
The show must go on. No one cares
about one person's silly opinion. Strut.
[MURMURING]
-There's no way I'm going out there.
-Oh. Don't go.
Wh--?
GOSSIP GIRL: It's B's party
and she'll cry if she wants to...
...because looks like this birthday suit
isn't exactly cause for celebration.
I only did it because
I wanted to protect you.
No one ever stands up for you.
I thought if I threatened a lawsuit
on Gossip Girl...
...The Spectator would have to
retract Dan's piece.
Standing up for me is one thing.
But you shouldn't interfere
in matters between me and my son.
I apologize, Rufus.
I wasn't thinking
about the consequences...
...but Dan did publish this piece
to hurt you.
There are other ways to fight back, Ivy.
No.
Only way to deal with the world of the
Upper East Side is to fight fire with fire.
Dan may have been an innocent
Brooklyn boy once...
...but while you weren't looking...
...he became as ruthless
as any Park Avenue prince.
I'm sorry I inserted myself
in your battle...
...but it broke my heart to see you
trashed so viciously.
Well, his words may have been nasty,
but Dan wrote the truth.
We are together.
And I want you by my side here
and at the gallery opening.
IVY:
Mm.
Why the hell do my advertisers
think that Vanity Fair...
-...is publishing the rest of your serial?
-Because they are.
-Dan, we had a deal.
-A handshake is hardly a deal.
I think I'm gonna hit you.
I told you it was a bad idea
to mix business and friendship.
You said go to Rufus before publishing.
He threatened a lawsuit, you freaked out.
-I was protecting my newspaper.
-What do you want me to say?
Vanity Fair is the big time. The more
readers I have, the more power I have.
-I thought we were in this together.
-We were. Something better came along.
-Now I know I wanna hit you.
-You and all your other friends...
...would've done the exact same thing.
Don't bother coming back to the Empire.
Find another place to stay.
I thought you might say that.
[NATE SCOFFS]
Dave Berger.
You used to work for Bart Bass
a while back as a bodyguard.
He fired me. I got nothing to say
about that guy.
I have questions about a weekend you
spent with Bart in Dubai four years ago.
I got nothing. Mr. Bass makes everyone
sign a non-disclosure agreement.
I don't know who you are,
but I know better than to cross him.
Think of me as a friend. A compadre.
A fellow fighter.
-This gym is pretty nice.
-It's all right.
Perhaps you'd like to own it
instead of just working here.
Personally, I've always taken
great pleasure in being my own boss.
How could you do this to me?
Just because I didn't give
your geriatric boyfriend a seat...
...doesn't mean that you had to tell
Sage to sabotage my show.
Save it. You were so upset I care
more about Steven than your show...
-...you destroyed my relationship.
-I didn't tell her to take off the dress, you did.
I didn't. I'd much rather avoid
the child p*rn*graphy charges.
If I didn't tell her to take off the dress,
you didn't tell her, who did?
I happened to like the underwear more.
Sage, you get in this car right now.
We are going home.
I'll see you later.
GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like these besties
were bested by a newbie.
When Sage's dress came off,
they both came undone.
-Steven, I am so sorry. It's all my fault.
-She's right. It is all her fault.
She gave me advice,
told me to use her as a role model.
Save it, Sage. I know you set Serena up.
I should have known that
you were planning something.
Serena isn't the one who should
be apologizing. It's you.
I'm waiting.
Serena, sorry you weren't clever enough
to figure out what I was up to.
Sage, I am warning you.
I apologize.
I shouldn't have taken advantage of you.
It won't happen again.
Good.
Now I'm gonna contemplate your
punishment while I make us some tea.
It's been a very long night.
For the record, I didn't mean
a word of that. I'm not sorry at all.
Well, for the record, I don't care.
Why don't you just try to wrap your little
Machiavellian brain around the fact...
...your father and I
will be together no matter what?
So you're gonna have to
get used to me, sweetheart.
Chamomile or mint?
Just got off the phone with Jean Pierre.
It's a fashion prognosis
of disastrous proportion.
Not one buyer has made an appointment
to place an order.
To make things worse, Nelly Yuki
trashed me in Women's Wear Daily.
"Can Blair Waldorf step into
her mother's shoes...
...or is her Achilles heel
of the stripper variety?"
Dorota, I have been relegated to
clear heels and Kardashian tastes.
I always know this Nelly a real snake.
It doesn't matter if the clothes are good.
Serena walked out, everyone followed.
Once again, I have been defeated
at the hands of Serena van der Woodsen.
She's the double-edged sword
of my existence.
Miss Blair must keep chin up.
Must keep company going.
You will make Miss Eleanor proud.
I know because I proud already.
My mother. How am I gonna
explain this to her?
Eleanor Waldorf does not take kindly
to the F word. Failure.
[SIGHS]
Save the Dom, Chuck.
I would rather die. I'm the laughingstock
of the fashion press.
The clothes were beautiful
and you are beautiful...
...and that is something
we need to celebrate.
You say celebrate, I say
drown my sorrows. Give me the bottle.
GOSSIP GIRL: Tolstoy wrote that
all happy families are alike...
...but every unhappy family
is unhappy in its own way...
...especially on the Upper East Side.
You know, Sage can be a handful.
But you handled tonight with true grace.
I'm impressed.
Some are only too happy
to be distracted from their pain.
-Oh, hi.
-Hi.
-I had an awful day with The Spectator.
-I had a really awful day with the Serena.
I'm not wearing my robe, but my clothes
can still end up in the corner.
Well, I guess I could
help you out with that.
While others choose to
bite the hand that feeds them...
...even when they have no idea
where their next meal is coming from.
I heard you sold your serial
to Vanity Fair this morning.
I can't believe they bought it
-You're very up on current events.
-Word travels fast in publishing.
I guess you took my advice
and started playing by your own rules.
How does it feel?
Weird. Kind of dirty, but good.
Like you said,
the truth is a powerful thing.
Well, if you have nowhere to go,
you can always stay with me.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Are you Dan Humphrey?
I am.
I read your piece in The Spectator today
and I loved it.
Can I buy you a drink?
[CHUCKLES]
Absolutely.
CHUCK: There you have it. Dave Berger
worked as a bodyguard for my father.
He was there that weekend with Amira.
Dave drove Bart to meet someone...
...named Lady Alexander.
Dave wasn't in the meeting
so that's all he could tell me.
I don't know who she is, what she does...
...or even where to start looking for her.
We will find her.
I'm all yours. Mind, body and scheme.
You helped me with my show tonight.
At least for the first few hours
before the big fashion fiasco...
...everything was perfect.
And I can help you too.
Let's face it.
We need each other.
I need you. Right now.
For one night. Make an exception.
A gentleman...
...wouldn't take advantage of a lady...
...who's had more than her half
of the bottle of Dom.
[BLAIR SIGHS]
But...
...the exception I'll make is this:
We join forces, combine our power...
...and achieve our goals
that much sooner.
[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]
Fine.
We're in this together.
And I will try,
with every fiber of my being, to behave.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Whether your family's happy or unhappy...
...it's always best to stick together...
...because some ties
are simply unbreakable.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.
WOMAN:
Where has she been?
GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?
That's one secret I'll never tell.
You know you love me. XOXO...
...Gossip Girl.
GOSSIP GIRL: Manhattan has weathered
her share of storms...
...heat waves, hurricanes
and even an earthquake.
But these days, it looks like
a new force of nature...
...is taking shape
on the Upper East Side.
[BLAIR SIGHS]
There's nothing I love more than the
sound of a sweatshop in the morning.
That hemline is too short.
And that one is too long.
My debut collection must be perfect.
We haven't been working day and night
for the last two weeks to make errors.
The devil is in the details, and I am
about to start worshipping Satan.
Blair, here's the list of it girls
walking in tonight's show.
I am so glad Charlotte Casiraghi
agreed to be our centerpiece girl.
She's a veritable style icon and the only
Monegasque who doesn't hold a grudge.
That is the genius of our strategy.
So what, we missed fashion week.
People always take their style cues
from real-life it girls anyway.
Our buyers will clamor for the collection
the second they see it.
Oui, Blair. Which reminds me,
I'll go confirm Charlotte's flight now.
Miss Blair.
You have no moment for rest in days.
I bring you health shake with kale.
The only green
I'm concerned with now...
...is the shade of harem pants
Lauren Bush will be donning tonight.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
Charlotte's lawyers say she has a
conflict with another endorsement.
They've made her drop out of the show.
What do we do?
Not to worry, Jean Pierre.
I've got this under control.
We'll find someone even more fabulous
to feature as the face of Waldorf Designs.
Thank you.
So, sweetie, what's on tap
at school today?
[PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
Do you want some berries?
I got them fresh at the farmer's market.
Hey, if you wanna be rude to me, I'll put
up with it as part of my parental duty...
...but there is no excuse
to be impolite to Serena.
-It's fine.
-No, it's not.
Sage, what's the deal?
You're cutting school, you dropped out
of activities that used to matter to you.
Our agreement was
you could date Nate if he...
...didn't distract you
from what's important.
Leave Nate out of this.
Hey, look at that. She actually speaks.
[SCOFFS]
You weren't around all summer and
now you're the world's awesomest dad...
-...trying to impress your girlfriend?
-Okay. Wow.
I didn't know that you felt that way.
But now that I do, let's talk about it.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hi, Nate. No, it's a great time to talk.
[STEVEN SIGHS]
-There went your teachable moment.
-I just don't know what to do with her.
Her grades are abysmal
and college is around the corner.
You know, I hate to say it, but maybe
I introduced the two of you too soon.
Speaking as someone who had a lot
of stepparent types waltz in and out...
...I know it can be tough.
But we'll make it through it, okay?
I really, really want that.
Sounds like there's a "but" coming.
I just wonder if I moved
a little too fast here.
I make no excuses for the way
she's acting, but she's still a kid.
-If she's this upset, I need to deal with it.
-Yeah, you should definitely talk to her.
I was thinking more like...
...you know, maybe you and I
should take a break.
It's the last thing I want, but I should
focus on Sage, get her back on track.
Well, what if I talk to her?
You did hear everything
she just said about you?
Yeah, but I know how to relate
to girls like Sage.
Because I was a girl like Sage
not too long ago.
Well, at this point, she could hardly
hate either of us more...
-...therefore, we have nothing to lose.
-She'll come around, I promise.
-Okay?
-Okay.
I heard you on the phone this morning.
Didn't sound like Blair.
-Deeper voice, darker mind. Uncle Jack.
-Ah.
His people on the ground in Dubai
are helping me to find out...
...who the mystery man with Bart
in Amira's photo is.
-Come up with anything?
-Not yet.
We got a partial off the car,
tracked the restaurant it was outside of.
-A good place to start asking questions.
-That's good news.
Maybe someone in the area
will recognize him.
Yeah, let's hope so.
I may be negotiating with t*rrorists,
but you're harboring a fugitive.
[DOG WHIMPERS]
Come on, Monkey.
-Sorry about that. He's-- You know.
-Chuck's barbs don't bother me.
Anything beats having Georgina watch
me sleep. I'm grateful for a place to crash.
As your roommate and publisher, I'm
pleased to report that The Spectator...
...is ready to post
its very first Humphrey original.
Hey. It's a good day and it's only 9 a.m.
Before I publish, would you
wanna warn the subject?
Let them know
they're about to be skewered?
-Yeah. Uh, yeah, no, I'd rather not.
-Are you sure?
This is like when you start sleeping
with someone's ex.
-Better that they hear it from you first.
-You should know.
So should you.
Think Graydon Carter makes a call to
the Astors before publishing an exposé?
-Yeah, actually.
-Post it.
[SIGHS]
RUFUS: How's the invite list
for the gallery coming along?
Speaking of, who will you be escorting?
Because I have the perfect suggestion.
Me.
I would love nothing more
than to have you on my arm.
But before we announce our relationship
status, I have to tell to my kids first.
Jenny sent her blessing from London.
I still haven't connected with Dan.
He better hurry up and get back from
Europe so I can be your girlfriend.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
He was gonna travel after his writer's
retreat, but he should be back any day.
And I'm sure he'll reach out to us
as soon as he returns.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
Look at this.
So who is our new it girl?
She's impossible to find.
I've called all of our contacts.
This is Manhattan.
There's an it girl on every corner.
Even on this corner?
-I can't walk in my own show.
-Not you. Serena.
When I was in high school,
my mom was remarried. A lot.
-That must've been so hard for you.
-Yeah, it actually was.
I learned the hard way that if you
act out, you're only hurting yourself.
So please try to care about college and
stay involved in your extracurriculars.
You're right, Serena. And they say
you can't be pretty and smart.
And try to go easy on your dad, please.
He's a good man.
That's why I fell in love with him.
My ears are bleeding. But it's cool to
talk to someone my own age who gets it.
I promise I'll turn over a new leaf.
Thanks, Serena.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hold on one second.
What do you want?
I'm not going to pretend
to be calling you as a friend...
...because you have made it clear
that you are not mine.
But I do have a mutually beneficial
business opportunity.
-I highly doubt that.
-I need an it girl to walk in my show.
You made a splash at
the Central Park Conservancy Gala.
I'm guessing you need something
equally as exciting to follow it up.
Oh, your concern for my social standing
really tugs at my heartstrings.
But a fashion show is hardly a life crisis.
It is to me. My back is up against a wall,
not in a hot, Chuck Bass kind of way.
We've known each other
long enough that we're like family.
We have earned the right
to hate each other from time to time.
It doesn't mean
there's not still love underneath.
Come on, Serena. Please.
How many times have I saved you?
It's your turn to save me back.
I'm saving someone else now.
Steven's daughter, Sage.
My only focus is her and keeping her
on track. They're my new family.
Maybe you should find a new one too.
[SIGHS]
You know what?
If Serena doesn't wanna be family,
then that's fine.
She can dive right from the gene pool
to the cesspool.
My mother is my family.
My mother is always watching.
Like the Mona Lisa. Like the Mona Lisa
with a lot of expectations.
You look pale like Mona Lisa.
This business is my namesake.
It is the family jewel.
It is what Chuck paid my dowry to save.
If I'm not successful at this,
we might not even end up together.
We all root for you...
...to be Blair Waldorf-Bass.
I must match my mother's hard work,
dedication, success. I can't let her down.
I can't let Chuck down.
I can't let myself down.
GOSSIP GIRL:
They say history repeats itself.
But looks like B is charting
a brand-new course to epic collapse.
Excuse me.
Hey, have you seen this girl?
-Are you Serena?
-Yeah, where is she?
You just missed her, but she did say
you would take care of this.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Yeah, everything went
as well as it could have.
She thinks just like I did when I was 17.
It's like looking in a mirror.
It seems you're suffering
from severe exhaustion and dehydration.
Have you been sleeping? Eating?
Do I look like I've been eating?
Don't insult me.
Miss Blair running around like monkey.
She take no moment for sleeping
or eating or resting or stopping.
Is exhausting me too.
I have been working harder
than a farmhand...
...but I do have a multimillion-dollar
brand to build...
...and a fashion show to oversee
tonight. If you'll excuse me--
You're not going. If you wanna be at that
show, you need bed rest and IV fluids.
Where did you find this quack?
Oh. Oh.
Perhaps I am a wee bit tired.
I'll prepare the IV.
I'll guess I'll have to deal with running
my empire from my own sickbed.
Oh. The state of your shirt makes me
think Sage must be close.
Yeah, well, you just missed her.
Where could she have disappeared to?
I searched every floor of Barneys twice.
Try doing that without stopping
at the shoe departments.
I think you should give up the chase.
-I can't. I'm supposed to mentor her.
-Heh. You? A mentor?
Just go with it.
She may be 17, but she is wise beyond
her years. She's high school you times 10.
Sage's entire goal is to destroy mine
and Steven's relationship.
She's succeeding because
I've been lying to him.
I'm supposed to be keeping her
on the straight and narrow.
If you feel so guilty,
maybe you should just come clean.
Can't. He knows I messed up,
he'll wanna take a break.
That's the last thing I want. He's
the most important person in my life.
It's his job to handle her, not yours.
You're right. Okay, as hard as it's gonna
be, I think I just have to admit defeat.
-Good luck. I'm around if you need to talk.
-Thanks.
You here on one of your blackmail
missions? Hope you got it on film.
Suck it, Humphrey.
You should probably button your shirt.
You are editor-in-chief.
RUFUS: I can't figure out
how Dan found out about us.
I should have called him so he heard it
from me. He must be in shock.
[GROANS]
Oh, my God. Rufus, you are too good
for your own good.
Your son trashes you in the press
and you think you're to blame.
It was bad when Dan fictionalized you
in his last book, but this is next level.
-I need to talk to him immediately.
-Talk?
Isn't that what you did last time?
And look how well that turned out.
He's using real names
and distorting the truth. It's libel.
These ad numbers seem promising. My
serial might give The Spectator a boost.
More importantly, judging by comments,
the Rufus piece reached a new readership.
People who read. Over-35s who love
vintage rock, dirt on people's divorces.
My dad's not in the Gossip Girl demo,
no way she can undermine the story.
[PHONES BEEPING]
Oh, come on.
This says your dad is gonna sue
you, me and The Spectator.
And Gossip Girl is breaking the news.
Jean Pierre,
you are ruining everything.
The runway is the wrong color.
And who approved those wigs?
Even Nicki Minaj knows better.
We will change it all.
Paint the runway, ditch the wigs.
Is that Nelly Yuki in the background?
She's there for her exclusive interview.
Stall. Tell her she's pretty. She's never
heard those words together before.
It couldn't get worse, Dorota.
I still haven't found my it girl.
And now Nelly Yuki is sniffing around
like one of Valentino's little dogs.
Jean Pierre should put muzzle on her.
Jean Pierre thinks muzzle is the name
of our DJ. I don't know who else to call.
The minions are on probation because
of Poppygate and Dan is still furious.
I just want someone who can read
my mind. Is that too much to ask?
Hello, Blair.
Serena. Your ears must be burning.
Yeah? Why?
I was just telling my dad about
the great opportunity you got me.
Of course, the great opportunity.
You scored me a prime spot walking
in Blair Waldorf's fashion show tonight.
I did. And it's just so exciting.
Who better to learn from
than a young businesswoman...
-...running her own company?
-I do applaud entrepreneurship.
This could lead to an internship
or a career in fashion.
I was just happy to do anything
for sweet Sage.
You know, this is great news.
My two girls getting along.
Thank you, this means a lot.
You thought I ratted you out, didn't you?
You think I care about
your childhood baggage?
I go to therapy.
I have enough of my own.
Hey, I was just trying to help.
How'd you get a spot in Blair's show?
I didn't. You'll get me in.
It's not that easy.
Nothing ever is with Blair.
Then I'll tell my dad I finally found
my true calling and you squashed it...
...by telling your BFF not to hire me.
GOSSIP GIRL: They say
don't hate the player, hate the game.
But when you invented the rules,
losing really stings.
I knew nobody keep you in bed
except Mr. Chuck. That's why I call him.
I'd love to spend the day with you
under the duvet, but you're exhausted.
I know from my brief stint as a candy
striper an IV can be quite a hindrance.
So how may I serve?
I can't pull you away
from taking down Bart.
My hands may be tied when it comes
to my mission against my father.
Task me, Blair.
I can't. Tasks are for minions
or Dan Humphrey.
On second thought,
I know exactly what you need done.
And I know exactly how you like it.
No instructions necessary.
[SIGHS]
Dorota.
I'm feverish.
NATE: Elton John won $150,000
from the Sunday Mirror.
All they wrote was that he was on a diet
where he chewed food but didn't swallow.
Don't worry,
I'm pretty sure my father swallows.
This isn't funny. This is why I was
saying you should speak to Rufus first.
This isn't like my father. Granted, nothing
he's been doing has been in character.
But I don't believe he would sue.
The last thing he wants is to tell the
whole truth about banging Ivy Dickens.
That doesn't mean he isn't gonna try to
make a point, or get a settlement.
If I know my dad,
all he wants to do is give me a lecture...
...from his perch on
Mount Holier Than Thou. We'll be fine.
I'll go talk to him. Just try and take
a deep breath, and maybe a Xanax.
The show will open with this track.
Here's a list of the rest with time stamps.
Chuck.
What do you think?
I'm speechless.
Is it everything you desire?
You read me like tea leaves, Chuck Bass.
[PHONE CHIMES]
It's Jack. He has a lead
on the man in the photo. I have to--
Go.
-Tonight will be--
-Perfect. Because of you.
Go find that man. Means we're one step
closer to being together.
Go.
The icewoman cometh.
I want to apologize about our earlier.
I know that I was way out of line.
Save it, Serena. What do you want?
I need Sage to be in your fashion show.
Ironic, since I need a fabulous it girl
to walk in my show.
But Sage is in high school.
Sorry, can't help you.
This is your opportunity
to discover Sage.
Karl found Naomi.
Calvin invented Christy.
People love a fresh, new face.
So, what you're saying is that
you wanna use me, your non-family...
...to make a good impression
on your new, real family.
Yeah. Yeah, having Sage in your show
will save my relationship with Steven.
Okay. I'll do it.
-Thank you.
-On one condition.
For some reason,
people care what you think.
So you will sit front row
in vintage Eleanor Waldorf...
...applaud wildly, and gush
to anyone who will listen...
...about how fabulous
my new collection is.
Done. You have a deal.
It was almost nice
doing business with you.
Sage, come meet Blair. You're in.
-Oh, and stunning.
-Thank you.
Tonight's gonna be amazing.
Sage will be working the runway.
Steven and I will be sitting front row.
But starting tomorrow, you're gonna
start caring about some things.
-I am?
-Yeah. Like attending school...
...after-school activities
and making it home for curfew.
And being so, so kind to your father.
-Do we understand each other?
-Perfectly. I'm happy we're getting along.
I have a feeling tonight's
going to be very memorable.
GOSSIP GIRL: Careful, ladies. Turns out
Sage might be a wolf in B's clothing.
[CHATTERING]
-Thank you.
MAN: Can't wait to see your line.
Eleanor will not be attending tonight's
show because she trusts me completely.
I feel honored to earn that trust, excited
about the future of Waldorf Designs.
-Blair, this way.
-Excuse me.
-There you go.
-Thank you.
To Sage's big night.
And to you, for making this all happen.
And to us and nothing standing
in the way of our future.
I'll drink to that.
Of course, when I told you
to speak with her...
...I imagined you igniting her interest
in horseback riding...
...or, you know, maybe joining
the volleyball team.
You know, modeling wasn't exactly
the after-school activity I had in mind.
This isn't just about modeling, though.
Blair has an incredible group of women
wearing her clothes...
...from activists to businesswomen
to actresses. Sage is in great company.
Okay.
Serena. Steven, it is such a pleasure
to have you here tonight. Welcome.
And I'm so glad that Sage is in the show.
-She's gonna be beautiful.
-I can't wait. Heh, heh.
Oh, look, I see Anderson Cooper
over there.
Excuse me. I should go congratulate him
on his old news becoming new news...
...if that makes sense.
Let me show you your seat.
Okay, well, I need a good view
if I'm going to applaud.
Why isn't there a seat for Steven here?
This is prime fashion real estate.
I had to save all the best seats...
...for journalists and influencers,
not do-gooding dads.
But not to worry, Steven has a very
nice seat behind you in the third row.
-Right there.
-That is so disrespectful.
-Do you even care that we're here?
-Well, of course I care.
You're so transparent. You couldn't have
a seat for my boyfriend next to me...
...because you had to save it
for one of your indentured minions.
Wh--? That's not true.
SERENA:
Why bother to make a deal with me...
...to fake clap when you've got
a sl*ve writing a fake story...
...about how wonderful your line is?
I'm a very real
Women's Wear Daily reporter.
Yes, Nelly Yuki, a very real reporter...
...who happens to look
incredibly gorgeous tonight...
...and who I am thrilled to have
sitting in the front row.
I haven't the slightest clue what
"fake deal" Serena is referring to.
Nobody likes a fashion counterfeit.
Right, I'd never be caught dead wearing
a knockoff. If tonight is about honesty...
...then maybe I will sit next to Nelly and I
will give her all of my genuine opinions.
Uh--
That's right, Serena.
All your true, nice opinions.
Nobody likes a Debbie Downer
or a Serena Sabotage.
Sorry I didn't let you read it first.
It would've been the honest thing to do.
And I'm sorry that you had to find out
about Ivy from someone other than me.
But we're together now,
and, admittedly, it's getting serious.
Dad.
She's a known con artist.
She swindled Lily and her entire family.
You may remember she tried
to have sex with me...
...and asked me to call her Serena.
Dan, you're my son...
...and we have to find a way
to put this behind us.
But when it comes to Ivy,
you're way out of line.
I'm an adult and you need to respect
my decision to be with her.
Being with her is the adult decision?
You've portrayed yourself as
the moral compass, does the right thing.
According to Rufus Humphrey,
no road like the high road.
I believe in doing the right thing.
So can't you see what you're doing
with your life? Your whole thing is a lie.
At least I wrote the truth. The truth is a
defense against libel, you've got no case.
Case? I don't want a case.
I just wanna have a real conversation
with my son.
So let me know if you see him around.
[PHONE RINGING]
I will. I gotta go.
That didn't sound like it went very well.
Did you leak news that
I was threatening to sue my son?
[CHATTERING]
I am definitely the luckiest guy
in Manhattan.
-I look okay?
-You look amazing.
If I spend any more time staring at you,
that robe will be in the corner.
-I'll wish you luck, take my seat.
-Can it end up in a corner later?
Absolutely.
This looks nice on you, but I think I have
something Serena might like better.
Come with me.
Erica Winograd. It's great seeing
one of my advertisers out on the town.
Likewise, Nate.
Thank you for choosing to advertise
with us at The Spectator this week.
-It's a pleasure doing business with you.
-We were very excited...
...about Dan Humphrey's inaugural
serial. We knew it would draw eyeballs.
And it has. And I know Dan's piece next
week will garner even more attention.
You should think about buying
some space for that one as well.
We did, Nate. In Vanity Fair.
Wait, I'm sorry. What?
Dan's serial is continuing in Vanity Fair.
I thought The Spectator
was just a one-time occurrence?
Which is too bad for me, Graydon is
charging 10 times as much for ad space.
I'm sorry, Erica, I have to go right now.
[MNDR'S "U.B.C.L." PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
Faux fur on my bed
We're moving slowly
Fill my glass, take it down
Turn off that movie
Paint me gold
You can have my silver jewelry
Keep my sunglasses on
Those colors move me
Falling down, a straight line
Onto the dance floor
DJ, loop this "shh" up
Until the break of day
Why don’t you come along?
Spinning backwards all night long
This rhythm moves along
Why not get emotional?
You can come along
Grab my hand and we’ll both get gone
Say the-- To discretion
Let’s get our party on
[CROWD MURMURING]
WOMAN 1:
Oh, my God.
WOMAN 2:
It's different.
Have you guys lost your minds? This
isn't fashion-forward or provocative...
...or couture. It's exploitation
and it's embarrassing.
Why don’t you come along?
Spinning backwards all night long
This rhythm moves along
Why not get emotional?
You can come along
Grab my hand and we’ll both get gone
Say the-- To discretion
Okay, Alexa. It's your turn. Heh.
The show must go on. No one cares
about one person's silly opinion. Strut.
[MURMURING]
-There's no way I'm going out there.
-Oh. Don't go.
Wh--?
GOSSIP GIRL: It's B's party
and she'll cry if she wants to...
...because looks like this birthday suit
isn't exactly cause for celebration.
I only did it because
I wanted to protect you.
No one ever stands up for you.
I thought if I threatened a lawsuit
on Gossip Girl...
...The Spectator would have to
retract Dan's piece.
Standing up for me is one thing.
But you shouldn't interfere
in matters between me and my son.
I apologize, Rufus.
I wasn't thinking
about the consequences...
...but Dan did publish this piece
to hurt you.
There are other ways to fight back, Ivy.
No.
Only way to deal with the world of the
Upper East Side is to fight fire with fire.
Dan may have been an innocent
Brooklyn boy once...
...but while you weren't looking...
...he became as ruthless
as any Park Avenue prince.
I'm sorry I inserted myself
in your battle...
...but it broke my heart to see you
trashed so viciously.
Well, his words may have been nasty,
but Dan wrote the truth.
We are together.
And I want you by my side here
and at the gallery opening.
IVY:
Mm.
Why the hell do my advertisers
think that Vanity Fair...
-...is publishing the rest of your serial?
-Because they are.
-Dan, we had a deal.
-A handshake is hardly a deal.
I think I'm gonna hit you.
I told you it was a bad idea
to mix business and friendship.
You said go to Rufus before publishing.
He threatened a lawsuit, you freaked out.
-I was protecting my newspaper.
-What do you want me to say?
Vanity Fair is the big time. The more
readers I have, the more power I have.
-I thought we were in this together.
-We were. Something better came along.
-Now I know I wanna hit you.
-You and all your other friends...
...would've done the exact same thing.
Don't bother coming back to the Empire.
Find another place to stay.
I thought you might say that.
[NATE SCOFFS]
Dave Berger.
You used to work for Bart Bass
a while back as a bodyguard.
He fired me. I got nothing to say
about that guy.
I have questions about a weekend you
spent with Bart in Dubai four years ago.
I got nothing. Mr. Bass makes everyone
sign a non-disclosure agreement.
I don't know who you are,
but I know better than to cross him.
Think of me as a friend. A compadre.
A fellow fighter.
-This gym is pretty nice.
-It's all right.
Perhaps you'd like to own it
instead of just working here.
Personally, I've always taken
great pleasure in being my own boss.
How could you do this to me?
Just because I didn't give
your geriatric boyfriend a seat...
...doesn't mean that you had to tell
Sage to sabotage my show.
Save it. You were so upset I care
more about Steven than your show...
-...you destroyed my relationship.
-I didn't tell her to take off the dress, you did.
I didn't. I'd much rather avoid
the child p*rn*graphy charges.
If I didn't tell her to take off the dress,
you didn't tell her, who did?
I happened to like the underwear more.
Sage, you get in this car right now.
We are going home.
I'll see you later.
GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like these besties
were bested by a newbie.
When Sage's dress came off,
they both came undone.
-Steven, I am so sorry. It's all my fault.
-She's right. It is all her fault.
She gave me advice,
told me to use her as a role model.
Save it, Sage. I know you set Serena up.
I should have known that
you were planning something.
Serena isn't the one who should
be apologizing. It's you.
I'm waiting.
Serena, sorry you weren't clever enough
to figure out what I was up to.
Sage, I am warning you.
I apologize.
I shouldn't have taken advantage of you.
It won't happen again.
Good.
Now I'm gonna contemplate your
punishment while I make us some tea.
It's been a very long night.
For the record, I didn't mean
a word of that. I'm not sorry at all.
Well, for the record, I don't care.
Why don't you just try to wrap your little
Machiavellian brain around the fact...
...your father and I
will be together no matter what?
So you're gonna have to
get used to me, sweetheart.
Chamomile or mint?
Just got off the phone with Jean Pierre.
It's a fashion prognosis
of disastrous proportion.
Not one buyer has made an appointment
to place an order.
To make things worse, Nelly Yuki
trashed me in Women's Wear Daily.
"Can Blair Waldorf step into
her mother's shoes...
...or is her Achilles heel
of the stripper variety?"
Dorota, I have been relegated to
clear heels and Kardashian tastes.
I always know this Nelly a real snake.
It doesn't matter if the clothes are good.
Serena walked out, everyone followed.
Once again, I have been defeated
at the hands of Serena van der Woodsen.
She's the double-edged sword
of my existence.
Miss Blair must keep chin up.
Must keep company going.
You will make Miss Eleanor proud.
I know because I proud already.
My mother. How am I gonna
explain this to her?
Eleanor Waldorf does not take kindly
to the F word. Failure.
[SIGHS]
Save the Dom, Chuck.
I would rather die. I'm the laughingstock
of the fashion press.
The clothes were beautiful
and you are beautiful...
...and that is something
we need to celebrate.
You say celebrate, I say
drown my sorrows. Give me the bottle.
GOSSIP GIRL: Tolstoy wrote that
all happy families are alike...
...but every unhappy family
is unhappy in its own way...
...especially on the Upper East Side.
You know, Sage can be a handful.
But you handled tonight with true grace.
I'm impressed.
Some are only too happy
to be distracted from their pain.
-Oh, hi.
-Hi.
-I had an awful day with The Spectator.
-I had a really awful day with the Serena.
I'm not wearing my robe, but my clothes
can still end up in the corner.
Well, I guess I could
help you out with that.
While others choose to
bite the hand that feeds them...
...even when they have no idea
where their next meal is coming from.
I heard you sold your serial
to Vanity Fair this morning.
I can't believe they bought it
-You're very up on current events.
-Word travels fast in publishing.
I guess you took my advice
and started playing by your own rules.
How does it feel?
Weird. Kind of dirty, but good.
Like you said,
the truth is a powerful thing.
Well, if you have nowhere to go,
you can always stay with me.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Are you Dan Humphrey?
I am.
I read your piece in The Spectator today
and I loved it.
Can I buy you a drink?
[CHUCKLES]
Absolutely.
CHUCK: There you have it. Dave Berger
worked as a bodyguard for my father.
He was there that weekend with Amira.
Dave drove Bart to meet someone...
...named Lady Alexander.
Dave wasn't in the meeting
so that's all he could tell me.
I don't know who she is, what she does...
...or even where to start looking for her.
We will find her.
I'm all yours. Mind, body and scheme.
You helped me with my show tonight.
At least for the first few hours
before the big fashion fiasco...
...everything was perfect.
And I can help you too.
Let's face it.
We need each other.
I need you. Right now.
For one night. Make an exception.
A gentleman...
...wouldn't take advantage of a lady...
...who's had more than her half
of the bottle of Dom.
[BLAIR SIGHS]
But...
...the exception I'll make is this:
We join forces, combine our power...
...and achieve our goals
that much sooner.
[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]
Fine.
We're in this together.
And I will try,
with every fiber of my being, to behave.
GOSSIP GIRL:
Whether your family's happy or unhappy...
...it's always best to stick together...
...because some ties
are simply unbreakable.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.