02x01 - Is There a Doctor in the House?

[bunniefuu]

You want me to what?

I don't know

about this, Freddie.

I already get five,

I don't want another one.

Hold on, I've got to ask

my dad about this.

What, better ask your dad what?

Well, me and Freddie Ryan

are best friends, right?

Mm-hmm.

So, doesn't that mean

when a best friend

is in a jam, you have

to help him out no matter what?

Oh, it sure does, Nicholas.

That's what best friends

are all about.

Like Dr. Maxwell and myself.

If one of us is in trouble, the

other one pitches in and helps.

Okay. Thanks, dad.

Hi, Freddie. I'm back.

My dad says you're right.

So, when do you want me

to adopt your baby sister?

Okay, Freddie, but I don't know

where I'm gonna put her.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Max! What's the matter,

one of my kids sick?

Sick?

I'm sick.

Sick and tired of that woman.

Max, you're drunk.

You bet I am.

She threw me out, Tom.

How could she do that?

No, not Daisy.

Twenty-five years of marriage

and she just..

...tosses me out.

Come on, Max.

I'll help you inside.

Twenty-five years. No reason.

Well, it's got to have

a reason, Max.

Simple logic, cause and effect.

Uh...listen, Max, I tell ya

I think you've had

a little too much to drink.

I have not yet begun to drink.

Uh, you've begun, you've begun.

Then I've not yet begun

to finish to drink.

You've finished,

you've finished.

Well, somebody's got to do

some drinking around here.

Alright, I'll tell you what,

if somebody has to do

some drinking around here,

I think that it should be me!

What a friend.

Sit down, Max.

Now, don't worry about this.

Everything will work itself out.

Do you know

what she said to me, Tom?

Stood there and said,

"Greg Maxwell, you are

a pedantic, boring,

pain in the neck."

The location

could've been worse.

Twenty-five years,

just like that.

Said to me, if that's the way

I felt about it,

I could just get out.

- Felt about what?

- I'm no chauvinist, Tom.

But you cannot reason

with women.

But, as you put it so well

I am a good-looking,

charming, successful guy

with a lot of mileage

left in him.

I said that?

Here's to my friend.

Uh...hm.

I haven't even had dinner yet.

You know,

she's made a big mistake.

She's gonna regret this.

She made a big mistake

letting me go.

From now on,

we're gonna live it up.

- You and me.

- Me?

How did I get into this thing?

We're gonna have

a swinging time.

The two musketeers.

No, no, no, no,

it's the four musketeers.

- Why they call them two?

- They don't.

They call

the four musketeers three.

Meh. What's a musketeer

between friends?

Wh-where are you going?

To find myself a motel room.

No, no, uh, Max.

No, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute.

My best friend

is not gonna spend the night

in some plastic motel room

by himself.

You'll stay right here, with me.

You are a true blue musketeer.

♪ Ninety-nine bottles

of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety-nine bottles of beer ♪

♪ You take one down

and pass it around ♪

♪ Ninety-eight bottles

of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety-eight bottles

of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety-eight bottles

of beer ♪♪

Hey, I'm beat, man.

I got to bag some Zs.

You lucky..

You can just drop me off

at the site.

- See you guys later.

- Okay. Alright. Take care.

Man, you were pulling

some cards tonight.

- Yeah.

- How much you win?

Got $ from them,

you got $ from me.

And $ from my main man,

Mr. Bradford here.

What color you like, Davy?

Seein' as though you paying for

my wife's new dress and all.

Three-two-seven.

Wow, that's heavy bread.

Glad it's you, Davy, not me.

I'd write a check like that

I'm bouncy-bounce all over town.

Hey, it's only money, right?

Hey, remember that guy

that played with us

a couple of times?

You know, the one

that passed the bad check?

I mean, that cat caught

the first bus out of town

the same morning.

Did not even let us

wish him bon voyage.

[laughs]

Right.

Well, uh, I'll see

you guys around, alright?

Hey, anytime, Davy. You know

you're my main man, huh?

[instrumental music]

(Joannie)

'I mean,

this one's really tough..'

Hey, guys,

this is the last batch

okay? I've to get

to school too, huh.

I've to get to school, look,

I haven't even memorized this..

Me too. Me too,

me too, alright?

Hey, you guys,

guess what I just saw?

Superman?

Nope, somebody in bed with dad.

What was that, Nicholas?

Somebody in bed with dad.

Clothes all over the place.

Now, wait a minute, guys, cool

it. We didn't see this, right?

This is just little Nicholas

saying that he saw it, huh?

I did see it.

Dad would never do anything

so insensitive. Pass the syrup.

Ooh, I wish I wasn't

such a heavy sleeper.

Hey. This has got be handled

very delicately, huh?

I don't believe it.

He's over .

- Yeah!

- Nancy, this is not .

Dad's got a right

to his own life!

Well, you guys can sit here

and talk, but, uh...not me.

Come on, I'll show ya!

Tommy! Nicholas!

This is not show and tell.

- Yes, it is.

- I wanna see.

- Tommy, don't!

- Tommy, what do you see?

- Just part of a chair.

- Come on, let me see.

- No!

- Hey, don't!

- Ow!

- Tommy!

Oh, hey. What's going on?

Keep it down to a low roar.

What are you doing here?

Uh-uh, uh, nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

Listen, uh, earn your

medical school expenses

and go get me

an aspirin, please.

An aspirin.

[gargling]

Oh, I'm so tired.

Why, nothing like a good gargle

to get you started

in the morning to..

Hey, good morning, g*ng.

Hi.

What a reception committee.

Tom, knowing you,

I bet you arranged this.

A great man, your father.

Real friend.

Here I am in trouble,

and he says to me

"Greg, stay with us

as long as you like."

A friend.

Dad, what's going on?

Look, I didn't extend

an invitation to him

except for last night.

That is, if I remember right.

Well, anyway,

don't worry about it.

The whole thing

will blow over, believe me.

- What is the whole thing?

- Yeah.

Well, it's not important.

How can you say that, daddy?

Because I haven't been able

to figure out

what it is myself yet.

I don't know

why they ever split up.

They seemed so nice.

Oh, well, they are nice.

Don't talk about them

in the past tense.

Believe me, this whole thing

will be over

by the end of the day.

They'll, they'll make up with

each other and pout a little

and give in and, and it'll

all blow over, believe me.

It happens in all marriages.

This kinda thing ever happen

between you and mom?

Oh.

Well, sure.

Never to the point

of walking out though.

But we had, uh, arguments.

I remember one

was a real dilly we had.

It was over the, the darkroom.

I came home from work, you know

and I, and I saw the plans

on the dining room table

for what I thought

was gonna be a..

...a workshop for me.

And so I said,

"Look, this is no good.

There's no window.

I need a window for the light."

And she's, "Oh, no, no, no, no.

There can't be a window."

She said, "This is gonna be

a darkroom for me."

I said, "A darkroom?"

I said, "That's silly."

I said, "I-I've already ordered

a, a saw bench," and..

And then she said, "Well, I've

already ordered an enlarger.

Besides," she said,

"You haven't fixed anything

with your hands since

manual training in high school."

And then I said, "Well, when

was the last time you ever took

a picture of me without..

cutting my head off?"

Oh, it was a real dilly,

I'll tell ya.

Yeah, well, um..

I've got some running to do, I

think I better get to the track.

Yeah, yeah, we all better hurry

or we're gonna be late.

- Bye, dad.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye, dad.

- Bye, dad, see ya.

- Bye, dad.

- Bye, dad.

Well, wait, wait,

who's gonna clean up this mess?

- 'Later, pop.'

- Later, pops, but..

[sighs]

Oh, no.

David! What's the matter?

Why couldn't you tell me

on the phone?

Well, I kept hoping

it would go away.

Look, I've got to borrow

a lot of money. Fast.

What for? How much?

At least bucks.

For a week, maybe two.

I've got to cover a check

by Monday morning

and I've got nothing

to cover it with.

Bad check?

David, how'd you get yourself

in such a mess?

Real easy. Table stakes, three

queens and a pair of deuces.

What happened?

Four kings,

that's what happened.

Look, I work with these guys.

Promise 'em anything.

But give 'em a bad check

and you get a reputation.

Maybe even a concussion.

I could be your first patient.

Well, that's very funny.

I don't take patients on credit.

And if you don't mind,

I'd rather

experiment on somebody else.

Let's see, uh..

I can let you have

or so from my book allowance

if it's just for a week, right?

And if you come by tonight,

I'll see what I can scrape up

from First National Bradford.

No. Please.

Nobody else. Only you.

I feel like such a jerk

as it is.

All that talking I've done

about handling things on my own.

Just keep it to yourself,

alright? Thanks.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Tom, I'm glad you're home.

I didn't want to start

reorganizing things

until you gave me the okay.

Now, I'm not gonna be

in your way, I promise.

I understand

your need for privacy.

Sure. Su..

Wh-wh-what about Daisy?

I gave her every chance

this morning

to admit that she was wrong.

Which, of course,

she was too stubborn to do.

Uh, listen, uh, can I use the,

uh, top drawers of your bureau?

Yeah, sure, sure.

What did she say?

Nothing.

I hate to crowd you but

I'm gonna need some place

for my suits.

Put them wherever you want.

What do you mean, nothing?

Nothing. Nada.

Tom..

...you and I are going

to get back into shape.

When we were married

it wasn't important for us

to look attractive.

But now...va-va-voom!

Oh, hold on, Max.

Do you have any idea

what's waiting out there?

Redheads, brunettes, blondes.

Lots of blondes.

You wanna know the best part?

They're waiting for you and me.

That's right.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Tonight is the first night

of the rest of our lives.

Well, what do you say?

Va-va-va-voom.

I'll be in the den working.

'Call me when dinner is ready.'

- 'Greg is in the shower.'

- Is he ever.

Can't get any hot water in here.

I wonder how Daisy's

taking all this.

Maybe we should call her.

Oh...nah,

maybe we shouldn't interfere.

You know, that's why these

kinda things are such a drag.

Who gets custody

of the friends?

- 'We got the money.'

- 'We got the money!'

(Joannie)

'Oh, David's start.

Come on, you guys.'

- How much?

- Nancy, how much did you get?

Okay, between the three of us,

$ and cents.

Hm, let's see,

added to what I've got, that's..

...$ and cents.

That still leaves David

very, very short.

Now, wait a minute. How many

times has David bailed us out?

I think we can dig

a little deeper.

I can't give anything. I'm

the poorest kid in this house.

Well, that's what

I like to see, teamwork.

Uh, hi, Dr. Max.

Can we get you anything?

Oh, not a thing.

Hey, don't you worry about me.

Just go on doing

what you were doing.

I just came in

to get a little ice.

Oh, ice. There's some in the

bucket in the fridge, Dr. Max.

We're having iced tea

for dinner. You want some?

Love some,

but that would be warm ice.

Cold ice is the only thing you

should ever put into a drink.

Any of you who're

in training to be bartenders

should remember that.

Crisp, cold ice,

right from the freezer

is in its pristine state.

The flame's just

a little high under there.

While warm ice,

on the other hand

ice that's been allowed to melt

even the slightest millimeter

is already beginning

to dilute the drink

the instant you put it

in the glass.

Uh, Dr. Max,

wouldn't you like to, uh

visit with dad before dinner?

- Lot less crowded in the den.

- Ah, sure.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Mary, do you have the money?

- I've got the money.

Um, okay. Count it again.

Is that all, is that it?

Don't let me disturb you, Tom.

Oh. Hmm. Yeah.

[laughing]

Hey, Tom, listen to this.

There's a guy,

went in to rob a beauty parlor.

And it turns out he's allergic

to.. Here, hold just a second.

[chuckles]

You've got to act fast

around here.

What's the matter, Dr. Maxwell,

don't you like it?

Oh, yes, Mary.

Well, does it taste alright?

I-I made the roast.

Oh, yes, Joannie.

It tastes and smells delicious.

I would like to make

a little suggestion though.

Oh, you're welcome to try.

I'm not sure it'll work.

I always try, but it never

works, but go ahead.

Well, I don't like to criticize

but I am the family doctor

so, that does give me

certain liberties.

Feel free, Max.

Alright. Now, we've been sitting

at the table exactly

nine minutes.

And dinner's almost finished.

Oh?

Bad, bad, bad for the digestion.

Look at that, Tom.

Meat, gravy, potatoes,

all that salad dressing.

Cholesterol, Tom. Calories.

Absolutely right, dad.

You are what you eat.

That makes you a celery.

[laughing]

Of course,

we all must allow ourselves

our little indulgences.

I myself have vanilla ice-cream

for dessert

every night after dinner.

But pure vanilla

from the whole bean

made with raw honey, not sugar.

And frozen with coarse ice.

- Oh, no, you mean, cold ice.

- No, no.

[pager beeping]

Sorry. Got to go get the phone.

Use the one in the hall,

doctor. It's quieter.

Thank you.

Aw. I hope Daisy and Dr. Max

will get back together

pretty soon.

Yeah, you never

really know somebody

until you eat dinner

with them very slowly.

He's weird, face it.

Dad, um, did you know

he was like this?

Wait a second now. Everybody

has their little peculiarities.

Yeah, but he's got

big peculiarities.

Come on, now.

Where's your understanding?

Where's your tolerance?

'Don't you see that beneath

all this, he's suffering?'

'This thing

between him and Daisy's'

been going on a long time.

It's been building.

Their children grow up,

they move out, they marry.

It's hard on a couple.

All of a sudden, they realize

the only thing they have left

is each other.

Well, Max isn't ready

to realize that yet.

Let's stand behind him. Support

him in the meantime, alright?

These new support hose

really keep you going.

Want to borrow a pair, Tom?

I'll pass. I feel guilty

about going out tonight.

I have mountains

of research work to do.

Not tonight, Tom.

Not with all those fascinating

females waiting out there.

Who find an older,

sophisticated man

witty, wise, charming--

And balding.

Your problem, Tom, is that

you have the wrong self-image.

No, my problem is, I haven't

adjusted to being a widower.

Well, I understand that, Tom.

But, you've got to put

all that behind you.

You gotta start thinking young.

Acting young, feeling young.

You've been out

of touch too long.

And that shirt

is a perfect example.

Well, what's wrong

with this shirt?

It's got no...va-va-voom!

Hey, dad.

Hey, Susan.

Oh, boy, you look great.

You too, Dr. Maxwell.

Well, I see you're finally

wearing my Christmas present.

Hey, foxy.

That's us, Tom. Foxy.

Yeah, we're just going bowling.

Bowling? Hm, well,

have a nice time.

Well, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight, daddy.

- Goodnight, Dr. Max.

- Don't wait up for us.

Uh, we won't.

- Bowling?

- Aw, man.

[dance music]

[music continues]

[applause]

[indistinct chattering]

Drink? Come.

Oh. Could you excuse me?

I've got to go

to the ladies room.

- Oh.

- I'll go too and freshen up.

- Oh, okay.

- Thank you.

Hurry back.

Boy,

Daisy could take some lessons

out of having fun from that one.

Yeah.

Max, they're not coming back.

Oh, we'd just wear 'em out.

Listen, why don't we

just go dignified

and-and quietly, alright?

You sound just like Daisy.

I'm sick and tired

of being dignified.

Now, you order us another round.

I'm gonna go find us

a couple of live ones.

Oh, no.

So, what would you like, honey?

I'd like to go home.

You and me both.

My sinuses are k*lling me

from all the smoke in this place

and I can't hear myself think.

Oh, then why don't you try to--

No, I tried that.

The tips are better here.

Same all round?

No, no, uh,

just coffee for me and ..

I don't know

what my friend will have.

I know. Cold ice.

What about the ladies?

Hold the ladies.

[instrumental music]

That's $.

Hey, that leaves you flat broke.

Well, 's mine.

The rest, from your siblings.

Hey, I thought I asked you

to keep this to yourself.

David, if I kept it to myself,

you'd have only $.

Where's that put you now?

A long way from .

Monday morning my check

will be bouncing all over town

if I don't figure something out.

Please, David. Talk to dad.

I thought we'd been

through this already.

- Try him.

- What, and bring him down?

Looks like he's finally

having fun for a change.

Let him have fun.

- Bowling?

- Bowling.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

The kids are sleeping.

Oh, sure. Hey.

Did we have a blast?

Was that a great time?

- Yeah.

- I coulda danced all night.

What about a nightcap?

Hm? Yeah, alright.

Why don't you dance

into the sun porch and..

- Alright.

- I'll find us something.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Morning.

- Oh..

What time is it?

Seven o'clock?

Max, it's Saturday.

I've been pedaling slower.

I didn't want to wake ya.

I appreciate that.

Almost done.

Six point eight miles.

Ah..

Great.

Ninety-eight more miles

and you'll be in San Francisco.

Seven miles on the bike,

push-ups, cold shower.

Make you feel like a new man.

I wish I could feel

like the old one.

Good morning. What's...cooking?

It's, uh, Dr. Maxwell's

famous health hash.

Oh. It smells great.

Man, you guys

have been so good to me

I wanted to return the favor.

If I'm bad,

can I have peanut butter again?

I had to improvise

a little bit though.

'I couldn't find any, uh'

'okra bean curd lecithin powder

in the house.'

But I did substitute pancake

syrup for blackstrap molasses.

It's mainly soybean and,

uh, wheat germ.

And then, just before serving, I

add the whites of six raw eggs.

'Not cooked. Just curdled.'

Go on, everybody. Dig in.

Uh, notice, Susan. No sugar,

salt or flavor extenders.

Uh, I noticed.

- Don't eat too fast.

- Uh, don't worry, we won't.

Um, excuse me.

Tastes terrible!

You son of a g*n.

Uh, yes, I have to get in touch

with Dr. Maxwell, please.

Um, severe indigestion.

Yes. Could you have him

get in touch with me right away?

The name is, uh, Preniszni.

The 'S' is silent.

I-I better spell it.

P-R-E-N-I-S-Z-N-I.

Thank you, goodbye.

Oh, boy. Am I ready for this.

[pager beeping]

My patients always seem to call

at the wrong time.

Uh-uh, hall phone, doctor.

Uh, it's quieter.

Oh.

- See this mess he made?

- I know.

He used every pot in the house.

Well, I've never had a patient

by that name.

Maybe they want Dr. Blackwell.

Yeah. If not, uh, call me back.

- 'Hm!'

- 'Hm!'

Oh. Liked it, eh?

It was great! So good.

How about seconds, guys?

No!

No, thanks.

- No.

- Oh, it was so good.

- We already had seconds.

- Yeah!

- That was the best recipe.

- Loved it.

I-I'd have thirds,

if I wasn't so full.

Really, you've got to give us

the recipe, doctor.

It was great!

Boy, I don't know, Max.

I don't think we're gonna get on

on a Saturday morning

without calling.

Relax, Tom.

Daisy and I

have had this same time

reserved for years.

(male announcer)

'Maxwell. Maxwell.

Next up on tee.'

Right on the nose.

That's amazing.

Uh, Daisy, there's an old friend

of yours here.

Who?

- What's he doing here?

- What is she doing here?

- Do you hear an echo?

- The reservation is in my name.

Some men seem to feel

they own a name.

I always tee off

at on Saturdays.

(Greg)

And always slice.

My former partner, Dr. Double

Bogey, is the only man

who can add seven and five

and come up with an eight.

Of course, I never mentioned it.

To protect his ego.

That does it.

Well, it was nice

talking to you, Daisy.

Bye-bye. Bye. Uh..

- Hi.

- Hi, David.

- Hi.

- Hi, David.

What are you doing?

Mixing cement in the kitchen?

[laughs]

I wish.

This, David, was a delicious

repast a la Dr. Maxwell.

[gags]

Fortunately, most of it ended up

in the garbage disposal.

Well, uh, don't call me

when it backs up.

- I won't.

- Where's Mary?

She and Joannie

went over to see Mrs. Maxwell.

I thought they said they weren't

going to get involved.

Oh, they weren't, but they are.

Sounds like my sisters.

Yeah. So how are you doing?

Oh, I wish you didn't ask

but, uh, since you did

called a couple of friends,

lots of excuses, no bread

can't raise any money

on my van, I still owe

and, uh, hawked my watch

for a fast bucks.

[clicks tongue]

David!

Don't know what else to do.

Only fifteen?

Dad must have paid

a for it.

I've got an idea.

I have got a good idea.

'I don't know.'

Come on, let's go

before dad comes home.

Oh, come on, let's go.

Oh, boy,

is Nicholas gonna have a fit.

Hm, well,

we oughta make up pretty good

with all this stuff, huh?

I'll be right down, Max!

- Oh, hi, David.

- Hi, dad.

Huh, what's, uh..

Just going to the park

for a little exercise.

Oh, looks like

the junior Olympics.

Uh, yeah, well..

Since when has hair drying

become an Olympic event?

Oh, oh, you know, Nancy

she holds the world record

in hair drying.

Oh, well,

when will you all be back?

Uh, later, dad.

Come on, let's go.

- Uh, see you later, dad.

- Bye, dad.

David, uh, c-can you be

a little more specific?

Oh, yeah, uh, couple hours.

Okay, I gotta run,

catch you later.

Yeah, I'll,

uh, catch you later.

Then you don't wanna be

married to him anymore?

Joannie, it's not

as simple as that.

Of course

I don't wanna be rid of him.

Uh-does that mean that,

that you're gonna take him back?

Oh, I haven't gotten

to that point yet.

I'm just getting used to having

the closet all to myself.

Listening to the music I like.

We've been very intolerant,

haven't we?

No, no, not really.

But, uh, as long as he's too

stubborn to admit he's wrong

I don't see why your family

should pay the price.

I'll tell you what

I'll give you a list

of the do's and don'ts

of how to make him happy.

Or shall we call it

"How to survive...

with a doctor in the house."

You sure don't get much from

a pawn shop these days.

Yeah, I know,

we sold most of our best junk

and only got bucks.

I think I'm gonna go into pawn

broking as a career.

What's David gonna do

if he can't

come up with all the money?

Mind if we don't think

about that right now?

Hey, hey, hey, a gallon

of vanilla ice-cream.

This wasn't here yesterday.

I wonder who bought it.

Dad must have, for Dr. Max.

Oh, that's all we need, if we

keep giving him things he wants

he'll never leave.

- Uh-uh.

- Hey, where you guys goin'?

(Nancy)

'Gettin' rid of it.'

Hey, don't be wasteful,

don't throw it away.

(Tommy)

'Hey, who's throwing it away?

Grab a bowl.'

[indistinct chattering]

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Nicholas.

What are you doing here?

Remember when my hamster died

and you gave me cents

to make me feel better?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I broke open my piggy bank.

I've been saving up

for a new hamster.

I used Tommy's knife

to get it out.

Here.

It's for you, two dollars

and twenty-seven cents.

For me?

Sure, isn't very much

I wish it was more.

Not very much?

It's everything you had.

That's the richest two dollars

and twenty-seven cents

I ever saw.

Thank you.

Got any ice cream?

You bet.

[instrumental music]

Max, are you sure about this?

Don't you think at least

we should have met them first?

Relax, Tom, the brother-in-law

of the guy who services my car

knows these girls personally.

Lillian and Mavis.

Real ladies, a sure thing.

Oh, what are we

gonna talk about?

Just don't talk about

your kids or your age.

Play the strong, silent type.

Yeah,

pretend you're Gary Cooper.

Gary Cooper?

Where you goin'?

I'm going to feed my horse.

- Oh, come on. Come. Come on.

- This is so ridiculous.

Just..

[doorbell rings]

- 'Cheers!'

- Cheers!

Well, now..

What do you think

of the energy crisis?

It's pretty, umm, I..

Critical.

Critical! Right.

Sure is.

That's one dandy

of a crisis alright.

(female #)

'For sure.'

(female #)

'Really.'

W-what do you think

about it, Tom?

Wha-wha, about what?

The energy crisis.

Oh, the energy crisis.

It's critical,

it's very critical.

And the drought,

the drought's pretty nasty too.

I'll say.

Kind of makes you thirsty

just thinking about it.

[laughs]

Listen, would you fellas

excuse us for just a moment?

- Oh, sure, sure.

- Sure.

Which one do you want?

Oh, I don't really care, Greg.

It's all the same to you,

I'll take the cute one.

Sure.

Which one is that?

Good question.

What do you think?

I think your brother-in-law

oughta stick to lube jobs.

Look,

Newman and Redford they're not

but, uh, they're here

and it's only o'clock.

I know.

So, which one do you want?

Frankly, neither.

[sighs]

But since we have an entire

evening in front of us

I just assume I'll have

the better looking one.

Which one is that?

Hmm.

When you start thinking about it

it's really not much of a race.

Make up your mind.

[sighs]

I'll take the one

with the ice cube fetish.

You can have

the manic depressive.

Huh.

[instrumental music]

Greg! How are you feeling

or shouldn't I ask?

I'm slipping, I'm slipping, Tom.

I always thought middle age

was a frame of mind.

Yeah.

Unfortunately,

it can be a frame of body too.

We can't give up.

It's like falling off a horse,

you, you gotta--

Sometimes,

you gotta lie right down

and let the horse

ride off without you.

Please, I'm not feeling up

to your metaphors.

You're not facing the fact

that we're just a couple of,

uh, musty musketeers.

Alright, so we didn't

set the world on fire.

We're new at it.

I am not about to surrender.

But you can't be

what you're not.

We're both one woman men.

Well, I don't happen

to have a woman at the moment.

Oh, I don't know.

I think you do.

'If you are suggesting'

that I lower my dignity

and ask her to take me back--

No, no, no, I'm not

suggesting any such thing.

I'm just trying

to point out that..

...you have an alternative

to being a -year-old swinger.

Dad, I never saw you plant

anything before.

Oh, yeah, well, Dr. Maxwell

never lived with us before.

Dad, what's a full house?

- Eight kids.

- No.

- I mean in cards.

- Oh, in poker?

Well, that's, uh, when you have

three cards that are alike

and two cards that are alike.

- Is that a good thing?

- It sure is.

Why, you haven't been

playing poker, have you?

No, I just wanted to know.

Oh, I see.

Use some help?

I have a notoriously

green thumb.

Oh, no, that's quite alright,

I don't want you to get dirty.

Besides, this is a two-man job.

Well, I guess they can

use some help in the house.

Yeah, I'm sure they can.

- It's kind of strange.

- What is?

Well, nobody wanted mom

to go away and she went

and nobody wanted Dr. Maxwell

to come and he came.

Yeah.

I know what you mean, Nicholas.

Should be some kind of trade.

Well, you see,

the difference is that

the Maxwell's split

because they wanted to

and that's why it's different.

Does that mean they don't

like each other anymore?

No, no, no, it just means that..

Well, they feel

they'd be happier apart.

God, that's strange,

Dr. Maxwell doesn't look happy.

I've been around a lot longer

than you have, Nicholas

and I don't understand it

either.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

Well, dad, that's the first time

you didn't understand something.

[both laugh]

Just because dad

blew it once with Mrs. Abbot

doesn't mean he can't

try again, Joannie.

Yeah, I know,

but try to tell him that

but you can't even

pry him away from Dr. Macho.

Need a hand, ladies?

Drying's my specialty.

I think we've got it

under control, Dr. Max.

Yeah, thanks anyway.

Where's my ice cream?

Huh?

My vanilla ice cream

I bought a whole gallon.

Oh..

Well, I guess maybe

it got eaten.

Well, young Dr. Bradford.

That's a long way off.

What are we up to? Ohh.

"Cellular structure tissue"

I can help you with that, Mary.

Uh, where are we?

Uh, nowhere

if I flunk that quiz tomorrow.

But, I appreciate

the offer, doctor.

Oh, oh, say no more.

I remember those days.

I'm on my way out.

[instrumental music]

Where is Greg?

Did you girls call him?

I called everybody, dad,

and he said he was coming.

Dad, when's he gonna go?

Yeah, you know, dad,

I checked the cupboard

and I think he's prepared

for a long stay.

He bought the jumbo size of

everything for Saturday hash.

Dad, why don't you talk to him?

Daisy said that--

Daisy? Did you talk to Daisy?

Well, yeah,

sh-she's our friend too.

Dad, they belong together.

'And you're

Dr. Maxwell's best friend.'

'You're the only one that can

make him understand that.'

What do you want me to do? Just

go up and say, "Max, go home?"

I can't do that, I've tried,

it's not that easy.

He doesn't wanna hear

any of that.

He doesn't wanna hear

how lucky he is.

You know something,

maybe you're right.

If his best friend

can't tell him, who can?

[sighs]

Greg!

(Greg)

'In here, Tom.'

Greg, this has gone

on long enough.

Yes, I know.

Your problems with Daisy

are your own personal affair

but when they start to interfere

with my fa-fa..

Wha-what did you say?

I said, yes, I know.

I guess I knew it the night you

found me on your front steps.

I knew it at the disco.

And I really knew it

with Lillian and Mavis.

But it took

one of Mary's medical books

to get me to admit it.

I haven't the faintest idea

of what you're talking about.

"How to survive

with a doctor in the house."

It's unsigned but..

...I recognize the misspellings.

"Never mess up the newspaper

until he's read it.

"Roll, never fold his socks.

Boil his three minute eggs four

minutes, but don't tell him."

She went to all this trouble

after all I've done.

I've been absolutely asinine.

You shoulda told me, Tom.

I did.

Now, it's too late.

Too much time has passed.

Too, too many words

have been said.

Best thing in my life

and I ruined it.

Nah.

Dented it, maybe.

On the other hand

maybe it isn't ruined.

I can't just go back home

as though nothing had happened.

That'd never work.

This is going to take

cunning, timing..

...and every ounce

of charm I've got.

Well, of course, if you're

busy Wednesday night, Daisy

uh, maybe we can make it

for lunch on Thursday?

Dinner then?

Oh, that's even better.

She's coming around, Tom.

Not as soon as I'd hope.

See what she's doing

for lunch today, today.

Uh, excuse me a second, Daisy.

I can't ask her

for a date on such short notice.

What would she think of me?

Ask her, find out.

Uh, Daisy, uh

are you by any chance,

uh, free for lunch today?

You are?

Great.

Yes, I-I-I'll,

uh, I'll be right home.

Oh, Tom, I-I hate to do this

to you on such short notice

but it looks like our swinging

single days are numbered.

That's alright,

I'll manage without you.

Oh, hey, Greg! Wait a minute,

I just remembered.

What do I tell Lillian

and Mavis if they call?

Tell 'em the drought's over.

Va-va-voom!

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

Hi, I think you need

some practice right?

Yeah, I think

I'll go sh**t some baskets.

David, why are you coming over

to see us all the time lately?

Nothing wrong with liking

your family, is there?

Oh, no, we know that you

like us, we like that.

It's just that, uh..

Oh, by the way what time is it?

Uh, I haven't got my watch.

Oh, my goodness, hocked?

Yeah, tried to draw

to an inside straight?

No, a full house.

How'd you know anyway?

That's not important.

Oh, nobody tattled,

if that's what you mean.

It's just,

the reason I felt bad is

why didn't you come to me

in the first place?

You were busy with Dr. Maxwell.

Yeah, and if I hadn't been?

I don't know,

I, just felt so stupid.

Such a jerk.

I'm trying to be my own man.

I can't come to you

every time I have a problem.

Why not?

Just because you're independent

that doesn't mean

that you have to cut me out.

I might have been able to help.

How much would it cost

to get everybody out of hock?

About $.

Only for a week or two.

Fine, we'll draw up a note.

Ten percent.

What do you mean a note?

We're family.

You said you wanted

to be independent. Right?

Do you want me, uh,

to start giving you the lectures

that my father told me

on the evils of gambling?

Please, dad.

First of all, now listen

if you get three cards that

are unrelated, throw them in.

Get rid of them!

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, hi.

- Want some company?

- Yeah, sure.

Good.

- Hi, pop.

- Hm, mm-mm.

Hey, you ain't drinking

ice tea alone, are you?

- I'm starving.

- Hey, dad.

- Hi, dad.

- Hi, dad.

- Ooh, tea!

- What you doin'?

Do you know something?

Do you know that Max is right?

There is a difference

between warm and cold ice cubes.

Come on, dad, not that again.

Here's to good company.

All of you.

[indistinct chattering]

[theme music]

[music continues]