01x02 - Dennis and the Signpost

[bunniefuu]

-Notice the sweet second hand.

-Oh, Henry.

It's a beautiful watch.

I don't blame you for buying it.
-It's really great.

It's got everything.

-Let's see.

-Shatterproof crystal,
waterproof, dustproof,

antimagnetic.

It's practically indestructible.
-Hey, dad.

Guess what?

I hardly pulled at all,
and the winder came out.

[theme music]

-I know he was out back, Martha.

I heard him.

-Oh, don't fret about him.

Maybe his mother's
called him to lunch.

-Well, if I'm going to have the
nursery reseed the backyard,

I'll have to mark off the area.

-Would you feed Fremont
for me while you're there?

-Oh.

Well-- oh, Martha.

-Here, Fremont.

[whistles]

-There you are, boy.
Yeah.

-Is it lunchtime, Mr. Wilson?

-Not for you.

What are you doing in there?

-We got a secret club.

You wanna join?

-No, I don't.

-OK.

-Well, how many
kids are in there?

-There's one more.

-I-- I can't believe it.

-Well, Margaret's in there, too.

But she can't vote.

-I'm the Ladies Auxiliary.

-I-- well, I-- I think I just
heard all your mothers calling

you.
Good-bye.

-Good-bye, Mr. Wilson.

-Bye, Mr. Wilson.
-Good-bye.

-Whatcha doing, mom?

-I just finished
sweeping off the patio.

-Is lunch ready yet?

-In a few minutes.

I'll call you.

-OK.

I guess you just thought you
heard my mom, Mr. Wilson.

-Yeah.

I'm a dreamer.

Ah, Dennis, why don't you go
over to your house and play?

-Because my dad's
cleaning out the attic,

and he doesn't want
me getting in the way.

-This is my third load, honey.

It's a lucky thing I
decided to clean it out.

Oh.

Look at this firecracker.

[gasps]

-What on Earth is that
doing in the house?

-It's just some junk left
over from the fireworks

at the company picnic.

-Oh.

Well, get rid of that,
for goodness sake.

-I'm going to put in the
trash can in the alley.

Can you imagine that
in Dennis's hands?

-I certainly could.

With a firecracker
that size, he could

destroy half the neighborhood.

-Right.

Besides, he doesn't need it.

He can destroy the neighborhood
with his bare hands.

-What are you doing, Mr. Wilson?

-I'm tying the string
around the peg.

-Why are you doing
that, Mr. Wilson?

Do you want to see if you can
pull the peg out with a string?

-Ah, no.
No.

No.
I-- I-- no.

I-- I-- no.
No.

-Well, then what
are you doing, then?

-Oh, I'm not going to tell you.

-But if you don't tell
me, how can I help ya?

-You can't.

That's the point.

Ah-- oh, here.

Go play with Fremont.

Here's an extra peg.

Have him chase it.

-OK.

Here, Fremont!

[barking]

[whimpers]

-Look at Fremont, Mr. Wilson.

[whimpers]

-Lookit, Mr. Wilson.

Fremont's got the wrong peg.

I didn't even throw mine.

-Dennis, you're a jinx.

And I've had enough of it.

And I don't want
you to come back.

Understand?

-Don't you want me
to help you at all?

-You are helping me, Dennis.

You're helping me
right this minute.

-Gee.
I am?

How am I doing that?

-By going away and
leaving me alone.

-MRS. MITCHELL:
(OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

Time for lunch!

-Now she calls.

-Want to come over and have a
peanut butter and mayonnaise

and banana sandwich with
some chocolate milk?

-No.

I don't, Dennis.

Now go home.

-OK, Mr. Wilson.

I'll see you right after lunch.

-Mr. Wilson, I heard what you
said to that little child.

And you should be ashamed.

-A-- a-- ashamed?

But, Mrs. Elkins, I'm
fighting for my life.

-Why, Dennis is just
full of life and spirit.

He's a sweet,
lovable little boy.

-He is not.

He's a supersonic m*ssile,
and he's aimed right at me.

-Oh, serioiusly.

It isn't any wonder
everyone calls you

the neighborhood grouch.

-Grouch?

Mrs. Elkins, don't you
have someplace to go?

-Yes.

I was coming to see you.

-Oh?

What do you want?

-I want to know
how much you'd like

to contribute towards
the playground

for the little children.

-You'll get exactly
what you'd expect

from a grouch, not one penny.

-You're not only a grouch.

You're a scrooge.

-Feel better, dear?

-Ohhh, a little.

Thank you, Martha.

Neighborhood grouch, scrooge.

-Oh, forget it.

It's not true.

You're just nervous.

-They hate me.

The whole neighborhood hates me.

You know what I'd like
to do tomorrow, Martha?

Get away.

Take a nice drive
in the country.

-Well, if that's what you'd
like to do, we'll do it.

But what about the
work on the lawn?

-Well, the nursery
can do it tomorrow.

I don't have to
be home for that.

Hello.

This is George Wilson.

You remember that reseeding
job I talked to you about?

Well, could you do it tomorrow?

Yes.

The backyard's all staked out.

Uh-huh.

Well, fine.
No.

I won't be here, but you
can come right in the back.

The address is Elm Street.

That's right.

- - Elm Street.
Good.

Thank you.

[crash]

-Hey, look.

You see what happened
there, Tommy?

That car that just knocked
down that signpost.

Kapow!

-Yeah.

Kapow!

-With a knocked-down
signpost, the ice cream man

could get lost.

-Yeah.

-We better go put it up again.

-Push, Tommy.

-It's heavy.

-It helps if you grunt.

[grunt]

-That's it.

Now, I'll hold it
while you stamp.

And that'll keep it in place,
and nobody'll get lost.

-Say, let's go over
to the Pickerings'.

I heard they're
giving away kittens.

-I'll give you a receipt.

What's the address
here, Mrs. Piedmont?

- Mississippi.

- Mississippi.

Ah, it's so generous of you
to donate, Mrs. Piedmont,

especially since
your own children

don't have any need
for the playground.

-I guess they will stick
pretty close to home

once we get the pool in.

-When will that be?

-Well, they're supposed to start
digging sometime this week.

-Lovely.

-I think a pool will
be a mixed blessing.

It's surprising to find out
how many new friends you

have once the word gets out.

-I know what you mean.

I have a color television set.

-Well, come on, Martha.

Let's hit that open road.

-Don't forget to put the sign
up for the seed man, George.

-Oh, yes.

I almost did forget,
didn't I. Ha.

I guess I'm so anxious
to get away from Dennis.

You know how he
hangs around when

anything important's going on.

-Well, forget about him.

We're going to have a nice,
peaceful day in the country.

-Yes.

Ahh, I can hardly wait.

-DENNIS (OFFSCREEN):
Hello, Mr. Wilson!

Hello, Mrs. Wilson.

-Hello, Dennis.

Tommy.
-Hello.

-Where you going, Mr. Wilson?

-None of your--

-George.

We're going for a drive
in the country, Dennis.

-Oh!

I notice you got a
picnic basket with ya.

-Yes.

That's right.

Just keep your hands
off it, Dennis.

-You want me and
Tommy to go with ya?

-Over my dead--

-George.

Use a little diplomacy.

-Ah.

I guess you're right, Martha.

Well, I'd like to have
you come with us, Dennis.

But there's an important
job for you to do here.

-Really?
Spies or something?

Spies or something?
-Oh, no.

No.

Some men are coming
by in a truck

to do some work in my backyard.

Now, when they
get here, will you

tell them to go right to work?

-Sure.

-That's better, George.

Well.

[laughs]

-Will you do that for your
old friend and neighbor?

Hmmm?

-Sure, I will, Mr. Wilson.

And if they're gonna build
something, I'll help them.

-No!
No.

No.
No.

Just tell them to go to work.

That's all.

-Wave, Tommy, or
you'll think we're mad.

-Well, there we are, Bob.

Mississippi Street.

must be down the block.

-I think this is them, Tommy.

-Yeah!

-You see?

They're looking
at house numbers.

Hello there!

Here it is!

This is the place.

He wants you to go right
to work in the backyard.

-While I park the rig, you go
up and let him know we're here.

-They're not home,
but they do want

me to tell you to
go right to work.

They left a note on the door.

-I'll go up and
see what it said.

-The backyard's the place.

-OK, kid.

Wait till he reads the note.

-Do you want me to
help you steer it in?

-Oh, I think I can
manage it along.

-Do you think maybe I
ought to get up there

in the car with you
while you steer it in?

-No.
I don't think so.

-This is it, all right.

Listen.

I'll be away for the day.

The yard is all staked out.

You can go right in.

-OK.

Let's get the dozer off.

-What are we gonna do?

-I don't know about
you, kid, but we're

going to put in a swimming pool.

-A swimming pool!
-Wow!

-I sure am glad you came
and told me, Dennis.

I simply wouldn't
have believed it.

-Oh, I've been telling
everybody in the neighborhood.

Good ole Mr. Wilson's
going to have

a swimming pool, all right.

-Indeed, he is.

Hmm.

Wonder if the moths
got to my swimsuit.

Well, I gotta go make
some phone calls.

-Bye, Mrs. Purcell.

-Bye, Dennis.

-Hey, you want me to
drive for a while?

-No thanks.

-I'll do it for free.
-No thanks.

-I'll give you my harmonica
if you let me try.

-I'm sorry, Dennis.

And please stop asking.

You've been pestering
me all afternoon.

-But I've wanted to drive
a bulldozer all my life.

-I'm sorry.

Look, I'd like to
accommodate you, Dennis.

But you're not old enough,
and you don't know how.

-But how can I learn if
nobody gives me a chance?

I'll be an old man
with a real mustache,

and I still won't know how.

-Sorry.

No.

-By that time, every other
kid in the neighborhood

will be able to drive one.

But I won't.

-No.

-Even Margaret will
be able to drive one.

-I will not.

I don't want to.

-Why not?

-Because I'd rather be a mother.

-For gosh sakes, you're
too short to be a mother.

-This is about the best
hole we ever dug, Tommy.

-I'm tired.

-Well, we better go
clean up for dinner.

-Well.

It was a nice day, George.

-Ah, it was fine.

Perfect.

But I kind of hate
to get back to where

I'm considered the
neighborhood grouch.

-Haven't you forgotten
about that yet?

-No, I haven't.

You know, Martha, the
people in this neighborhood

have suddenly become
very distasteful to me.

-Oh, nonsense.

Go look at your seeding job.

-No.

I'm much too tired.

I'll look at it in the morning.

-If it isn't two of my
favorite people, the Wilsons.

-Mrs. Holland, good evening.

-Good evening.

-And how are you, Mr. Wilson?

-Oh, I'm a little tired.

-I understand you've been
having some work done

in your backyard.

-Yes.

That's right.

-That's what I heard.

You know, we really haven't been
seeing enough of each other.

Why don't you come
to brunch Sunday?

-Why, we'd love to.

-Fine.

o'clock?
Thank you.

-Good night.

-Good night, Mrs. Holland.

-You see, George.

Mrs. Holland doesn't
think you're a grouch.

-Well, she just asked
me because of you.

[telephone ringing]

-George, the
telephone's ringing.

-I'll get it.

I'll get it.

[telephone ringing]

-All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Hello?

Well, Mr. Taylor.

Oh, well, yes.

I play, if you can call it that.

I-- (LAUGHINGLY)
I'm just a duffer.

Oh, well, I couldn't Sunday.

I'm going to a brunch, you know.
Saturday?

Oh, yes.

Saturday will be wonderful.

Oh, good.

I'll see you at o'clock.

Good night.

-Who was that?

-Why, that was Frank Taylor.

He wants me to join him
in a foursome for golf.

-Oh, how nice.

You've been wanting to get to
know Mr. Taylor and his friends

better for a long time.

-Well, now, I guess there are a
few people in this neighborhood

who don't think I'm a grouch.
-Of course.

[doorbell]

-Who can that be?
-I don't know.

-Why, Mrs. Purcell.

-Good evening, Mr. Wilson.
-Good evening.

-Mrs. Wilson.

-Won't you come in?

-Thank you.

My, don't you have
a lovely home.

[laughs]
-Well, we like it.

-I brought you these
homemade French preserves.

I thought you might like it
for your breakfast toast.

-Well, thank you, Mrs. Purcell.

It was very kind of
you to think of us.

-Thank you.

-Well, it was in the way of
being an apology for that time

I called you an old goat.

-An old goat?

-The time we bumped
fenders in the parking lot

at the supermarket.
-Ohh.

Ohh.
Forget it.

-Oh, no.

I won't.

That accident was
all my fault, and I

want us to be close friends.

-Well, now.

-My husband feels
exactly the same way.

-Well, that's very--

-He would've come over
with me, but he found out

the stores were
open late tonight.

So he went down to get
some bathing trunks.

[telephone ringing]

-Well, we'll all have to
get together sometime.

-Yes.
[telephone ringing]

-One of these hot
summer afternoons.

-Just a minute.

It's for you, George.

-Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Purcell.

Hello?

Well, yes, Mr. Quigley.

Bowling?

Why, I'd like that very much.

Ohh.
[laughs]

-I don't think my
control's that good.

Really, Mr. Quigley?

Well, I'll be glad to
give you a few pointers.

Turn professional?

Oh-h*.
No.

No.
No.

It's just a hobby with me.

Really, Mr. Quigley?

Oh, thank you.
Yes.

Yes.

I'll see you at the alley.

Good-bye.

Well, now, there's one of
the nicest fellows that

ever walked into
a bowling alley.

-Hey, Dennis!

Dennis!

Look here.

Look at what I found.
-Wow!

That's the biggest
firecracker I ever saw.

Where'd ya find it?

-In the alley.

-Wow.

You better give that to
me, because firecrackers

are dangerous.

I'll take it over to my
house and throw it away.

[grunts]

-Oh, Great Scott.

Martha.
Martha.

-Hmm?

-We've overslept.

It's almost : .

-It is?
-Yep.

-My goodness.

-Oh, it's a wonderful,
wonderful day.

-Well, you are in a
good mood this morning.

-Well, how could I be otherwise?

I live in a wonderful
neighborhood,

and I'm surrounded
by my friends.

-Of course you are.

I've always told you that.

-But there's so many of them.

Why, everybody loves me.

Do you realize we had visitors
and phone calls all last night?

-We certainly did.

-Do you know this
morning I even see

little Dennis in a
different perspective.

-You see, Tommy, firecrackers
are for big kids and grown-ups.

-Why?

-Because after they
light them, they

can run away faster than we can.

Hi, mom.

-Oh, hello boys.

-Hello, Mrs. Mitchell.

Let's go over to Eric's.

We could help him
take his piano lesson.

Oh.

Oh, hi, dad.

-Hi, son.

Hi, Tommy.

-Hi.

-Have a good day at
the office, dear.

-Thank you, sweetie.
You, too.

-Oh, Henry.

Would you take this
out to the incinerator?

-I'd take that to the
end of the Earth for you.

-You know, Martha, from now on
I'm going to be a changed man.

I'm not going to let the little
things get under my skin.

-Good for you.

-Now, you take Dennis.

There's a nice
clean-cut youngster,

and I've been treating him like
he was some kind of a fiend.

-He's a sweet little boy,
and he's very fond of you.

-You know, I'm very fond
of him deep down inside.

And from now I'm
going to show it.

[laughs]

-Martha, why don't
you make some cookies

so we'll have some
when he comes over.

[expl*si*n]

-Great Scott, what was that?

-It sounded like a b*mb.

-A b*mb?

-Martha, it's a b*mb crater!

Martha!

-George, what are
we going to do?

-I must do my duty.

This is w*r.

You get under the bed.

-I'm going with you.

-No.

You stay under the bed.

-George, be careful.
-Careful?

When my country's
being attacked?

Air raid!

Air raid!

Air raid!

To the shelters!

Air raid!

Hey--ahh!

Air raid!

To your shelters, everybody!

To the shelters!

-What's going on?

Oh, Great Scott.

Our first casualty.

I'll telephone the
medic as soon as I've

altered the others, Henry.

Air raid!

Air raid!

-What are you talking about?

-Take cover, Mrs. Elkins.

We're being bombed.

-I knew it would finally happen.

Your mind has snapped.

-No.

There's a b*mb crater
in my backyard.

-b*mb crater?

That's the hole for
your swimming pool.

-What are you talking about?

I don't have a swimming pool.

-Sure you have, Mr. Wilson.

And I helped dig it.

-What?

Ohh.

-Hey, Mr. Wilson, what
are you doing out here

in your sleepers?

-Martha!
Martha!

-Very well, Mr. Wilson.

We'll fill the hole
in a couple days.

-What's the matter with today?

-Well, be reasonable,
Mr. Wilson.

We have only one bulldozer
crew and one cement crew,

and they're booked way ahead.

-Well, where's that
bulldozer today?

-Doing the job it
should have done

what it dug that hole of yours.
-All right.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

Now, your man destroyed
one of the finest lawns

in this neighborhood, but--

-George.
-Now, you just hush, Martha.

-One of the finest lawns
in this neighborhood.

So I'll settle if the hole
is filled in a couple of days

if you put in new
topsoil and pay

for a complete reseeding job.

-Mr. Wilson.

-Otherwise, Mr. Banner, I'll
be forced to call my attorney.

-All right, Mr. Wilson.

We'll do it.

We'll do it.

-Ah.

Thank you, Mr. Banner.

Thank you very much indeed.

Good afternoon, Mr. Banner.

-Good-bye, Mrs. Wilson.

[laughs]

-That, Martha, is known
as pulling the fat out

of the fire.

-George, you ought
to be ashamed.

-Well, I saved us almost
a hundred dollars.

And you know what I'm going
to do with that money, Martha?

I'm going to take you up to Lake
Bailey for a couple of days.

Ah, besides, I'd like to
get away for a little while.

-Now, George, the neighbors
aren't laughing at you.

-Oh, yes, they are.

They're calling me
Air Raid Wilson.

No, sir, Martha.

We're leaving first
thing in the morning.

-It was a silly mistake.

Some kid turned the
sign around, but that's

been straightened out.

The excavation on
Mississippi Street

has been completed and ready
for you to pour the cement.

-But what about that
street sign now?

I don't want to end
up pouring cement

at a hole at the wrong house.

-You don't have to
worry about that.

That sign's OK.

I went out and turned the
sign around right myself.

Where it says Mississippi,
that's Mississippi.

You pour the cement,
and you'll be all right.

-I didn't think he'd still
be mad about the sign,

but he sure is.

-How do you know?

-Because this morning
he told me so.

Then he climbed in the
car with Mrs. Wilson

and drove to Lake Bailey.

-I'll miss him.

-Me, too.

-You know what we ought to
do for good ole Mr. Wilson?

We ought to turn
it the right way

and not wait for
the city to fix it.

-There it is,
Mississippi Street.