01x08 - The Worst First Date Ever. Period

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Beeping)

♪ Something tells me

I’ve been dreaming ♪

♪ Of someone who was

never real ♪

♪ It’s seems I've changed

a thousand ways ♪

♪ I wish I looked

the way I feel ♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ah

♪ Ah

♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Braceface

♪

(Groaning)

♪

(Gasping)

(Grunting)

(Laughing)

Ow!

(Growling)

(Laughing)

Mm-mm.

(Grunting)

(Thumping nearby)

(Gasping)

(Screaming)

Go away, go away!

Will you chill?

I’m just looking for some

deodorant.

Fries.

The French fries.

Sounds good to me.

That’s all I want.

Me too.

About three times a day.

But Nina won’t let me have

them.

Hey, get out of there!

I told you, I need some

stick!

I don’t use deodorant,

caveman!

(Sniffing)

Wow, maybe you should

reconsider that choice.

(Sniffing)

I don’t smell anything.

That’s the thing.

You never can smell your own

stink.

If there’s hair, beware.

The pit action is starting.

(Laughing)

(Sniffing)

♪

Oh, Josh, ahem.

(Yelling)

This better be good.

It’s an emergency, so chill.

Do you have any deodorant?

As in that sticky green stuff

you roll into your sweaty arms

every morning?

Yeah!

I’m 9, remember?

Mother Nature spares certain

indignities for a few years

between diapers and puberty.

♪

(Sniffing)

Ma!

♪

And then it was like I was

stuck to the floor and nothing I

did could make her stop

laughing.

Well, it’s so obvious.

Really?

Ahh, uh-huh.

Nina has supreme power.

Every day she gets you down.

You will forever be a target for

her misguided cruelty.

Forever?

For as long as you let her.

But--

(Bell ringing)

Alden, the perfect diversion

no matter what the topic.

What’s up?

Not much.

Me either.

Cool.

You going to school?

Uh-huh.

(Clearing throat)

Listen, I thought you might

wanna come to the opening of my

parents’ new restaurant on

Saturday.

There’s gonna be lots of food

and, I don’t know, maybe we can

go rollerblading after or

something.

(Grunting)

Uh, ha, I got it, ha, ha.

No problem.

So all of what you just said, it

sounds great.

Okay, see you.

SHARON NARRATING: Life was

unbelievable.

One minute my day was being

consumed by a Nina nightmare,

the next minute an Alden dream

was coming true.

Did he just ask you out?

Mm-hm.

Ahh, finally.

♪

Now, I’m just as excited

about this date as you are,

honey.

Sort of.

But there’s a limit on how much

I think you should spend on a

new outfit.

Thanks, Mom.

And don’t worry, we'll take the

bus home.

Thanks, Dr. Spitz.

Sharon, honey, are you sure

you don’t want me to come with

you?

♪

It’s gotta be dressy for the

restaurant opening part, and

then be able to move into sporty

for the rollerblading half of

the date.

Right.

So do you mean sporty-functional

or sporty-casual?

I mean somewhere in the

middle with the dressy part in

there too.

Fancy dressy or sexy dressy?

This is impossible.

Why would you say that?

(Groaning)

SHARON: Finding the perfect

outfit to meet all my

requirements was like a

disaster waiting to happen.

In fact, when I finally stopped

to think about it, I remembered

that for me so was

rollerblading.

Maria!

Don’t let go!

So what’s the deal?

Are you helping to greet

customers at this fancy opening

or what?

(Grunting)

I hope not.

But I keep worrying that I ’m

gonna do something dumb and mess

up.

I think you’re taking this

way too seriously.

And you’re not taking it

seriously enough.

Like what if I forget his

sisters’ names?

Wouldn’t that be embarrassing?

Okay, the older one is Lily, I

know that.

The middle one is Daisy.

And the younger one is, um...

Um...

Rhododendron?

Violet!

So what’s "Alden," some kind

of weed name?

(Engine puttering)

Aah, help!

I can’t stop!

Just-just put your heel down!

(Sharon screaming)

SHARON & ADAM: Ow!

Oh, that’ll really impress

Alden.

One more time.

Please, Maria, you’re

putting innocent lives at risk.

SHARON: Never had I been so

determined to overcome my

weaknesses.

All I could think of was being

the perfect date.

I had the will, I had the

sisters’ names, I had the

dress.

Success felt inches away.

ADAM: Wow.

JOSH: Whoa!

ADAM: Aw, yeah!

(Maria gasping)

♪

SHARON: If only I had known

that the name of Alden’s family

restaurant was Pick-a-Pita

that would have been the first

clue not to overdress.

Alden, we need three

tabboulehs, two hummus and two

baba ganoush with hot sauce on

the side.

You must be Sharon.

Welcome.

Come, come.

I’ve made a plate just for you.

Hmm, now, you’ll give your

honest opinion, won’t you?

Like a taste-tester, ha.

To clear the sinuses.

Ow!

BOTH: She likes it!

(Voice cracking) Falafel

ba*ls ready for pick up.fel

Alden, baby, your new voice

is giving me the shivers.

Hey, you in the pink tutu, can

you help me here?

Sure.

You must be, um, Lily.

No, Daisy.

But once you’re done chopping

these, can you help Violet clean

up that tahini spill at Table

12?that tahini spill at Table

ALDEN: Grilled veggie, pick

up.

Hey, Alden, when you cutting

that first CD?

(Family laughing)

Hey, who’s supposed to be

chopping up the zucchini?

I’m still missing my garnishes.

♪

SHARON: I had so many

questions.

Was this guy, like, crazy or

was I just feeling extra

sensitive?

What was going on with Alden’s

voice?

And finally, are first dates

always this much hard work?

Hey, let’s say we get out of

here.

Music to my ears.

Hey, wait up.

I don’t really know how to

slow down.

♪

SHARON: It finally felt like

the date was really starting.

With Alden holding my hand, I

felt nothing else could go

wrong.

(Groaning)

Are you okay?

I’m fine.

It’s just my stomach.

Ahem, uh, maybe you should

sit down.

SHARON: I didn’t know what

was happening.

One minute it was like we were

in heaven, the next I was

seriously worried about

finding a toilet.

Could it be food poisoning from

the Jones’ restaurant?

Maybe we should go back to

the Pick-a-Pita?

My mom could make you some hot

soup or something.

No.

(Groaning)

Uh, then do you want me to

take you home?

Uh, um, I don’t think

anyone’s home.

Well, then, um--

Ow...

That’s it, I 'm calling 911.

It’s okay, it's okay.

No, it’s okay.

Help, I think my friend’s

having an appendicitis attack.

(Siren wailing)

And tell Adam I apologise for

calling him a caveman.

And tell Josh he can have my

dinky car collection.

He always wanted that.

♪

(Baby wailing)

(Alden clearing throat)

Don’t worry, Sharon's going

to be just fine.

If you haven’t had the cramps

before, they can take you by

surprise.

"The cramps"?

Yes, that’s what I said.

Ahem, is that a

life-threatening illness or

something?

Of course not.

Most girls get them at sometime

or another during their

menstruation cycle.

It’s just too bad your sister

had to get them with her first

period.

SHARON: His sister?

Now, there are enough

sanitary napkins to last a few

days.

Of course, we’ve already shown

her how to use them.

Nooooo!

(Patients yelling)

(Gasping)

Oh, my.

Moody too.

You’re going to have your hands

full at your house.

SHARON: Could there ever be a

more embarrassing moment in my

entire life?

I mean, what had I done that

was so bad that I deserved

this?

I mean, now that my first date

with Alden was a complete and

utter disaster, I just wanted

it to end.

Fast.

Hey, sis, wait up!

♪

Sharon, where you going?

Home.

Well, I can take you.

No, I’ll take a cab.

No problem, thanks.

I don’t know much about these

things, being a guy and

everything, but when my sisters

get their, you know, they do all

sorts of things to feel better.

Oh, maybe I’ll just take the

bus.

Um, well, just in case this

helps, Lily eats chocolate

sorbet the whole time and only

with a fork.

Daisy blasts Sarah McLachlan at

top volume and then cries a lot.

And Violet, uh...

Violet, she just stays the same.

You never know, you might find

that useful when you go home.

Sure.

Taxi!

Taxi!

And those pad things?

They used to make great

mattresses for action figures.

Like when you wanted them to

have them camping out or

something.

I’ll remember that.

♪

JOSH: So he called 911?

No way.

(Both laughing)

Just because you got your

"time of the month"?

Shut up, you’ll never know

what this is like.

Sounds pretty cool to me.

If you get to ride in an

ambulance, I want it too.

Well, good luck, peanut head.

Only girls get it.

Not fair.

(Front door opening)

HELEN: I’m home!

Is anyone else here?

Mom, Sharon got her period!

(Moaning)

Honey, is it true?

Yeah, we had to force it out

of her after her third plate of

fries.

Of course, the cravings for

greasy foods.

Sharon, my baby, how are you

feeling?

Tell me everything.

Mother, please.

My little girl has become a

woman.

This is so exciting.

Wait right there, okay?

I wanna get my camera.

Are you insane?

But this is such--

You’re right, this is such a

private experience.

Oh, honey, I’m sorry.

Is there anything I need to go

over with you?

No, Mom, your quarterly

review of the facts of life have

prepared me well.

Excellent.

Oh, my gosh, I just remembered.

How was your date?

Don’t ask.

You know, now that you’re

dating, maybe we should go over

those facts again.

Mother, I can’t take it!

Okay, okay.

I get the hint.

SHARON: Could one person

endure any more pain in one

day?

After suffering massive

humiliation, not to mention

k*ller cramps, the last thing I

could handle was my mother

trying to be a good mother.

♪

(Bell ringing)

What’s the holdup in there?

You feeling sick or something?

SHARON: No.

So why won’t you come out?

SHARON: Because I just can’t

face him.

(Sighing)

Boys aren’t supposed to know you

have your period.

So, Braceface finally got the

big visit from Aunt Flo.

What took so long?

SHARON: Shut up!

Yeah, get lost, Harper.

Jeez, Nina, that’s funny.

I never heard you mention

getting a visit from your Aunt

Flo either.

Humph!

(Laughing)

Go, Alyson.

So what if he told the other

guys?

I don’t know, do you think he

would?

So I tried calling you all

weekend.

Where were you?

BROCK: I told you, doofus, my

parents had their big restaurant

opening.

I had to help out.

Drag.

And then I hung a bit with

Sharon.

We did the rollerblading thing.

Excellent.

Did you sound like that the

whole time?

Yeah, I couldn’t control it.

I was going crazy.

Slow death, man.

You better keep your trap shut

for a while.

Otherwise you’ll scare the

ladies away.

(Laughing)

(Whistle blowing)

(All laughing)

SHARON: Was it my

imagination, or was Alden

trying to get as far away from

me as possible?

Hey, you know you can get

out of gym if you’re having your

time of the month.

Really?

That’s great, because I hate

gymnastics.

Especially the vault.

Me too.

I always go for the trampoline.

Your hair looks good today.

SHARON: Was Alyson Malitski,

Nina Harper’s best friend,

actually being nice to me?

Was that possible?

Thanks.

Uh, is it true that Nina doesn’t

have her period yet?

Yup.

Look at her, she’s totally

bummed you got yours before her.

She might never get over it.

Wow.

You go first.

SHARON: It started to occur

to me that I was entering some

kind of new girls’ club.

And the person letting me in

was Mother Nature herself.

I didn’t get it.

Help!

Why was I first and not Nina?

You know what?

Alyson just told me that Nina’s

totally jealous of me getting my

period first.

Isn’t that wild?

And if she wants it so bad there

must be some kind of upside to

it, don’t you think?

Well, if there is, I’m still

in no hurry to find out.

(Whistle blowing)

Hey, look at the Jones man.

He’s totally showing off for

you.

SHARON: He is?

(Clearing throat)

Didn’t you see how he just

looked up to see if you were

watching?

But he hasn’t said a word to

me all day.

Actions speak louder than

words.

I talked to Mr. Hophoff and

he said he’ll give you a

special pass if you can’t handle

Gym today.

SHARON: For once I had a

legitimate reason to get out of

Gym.

But somehow wussing out felt so

lame.

No, I’m okay.

Thanks.

SHARON: Alden might have

known that I was different

now, but I didn’t want him to

think that I was a wimp because

of it.

♪

(Screaming then grunting)

Sharon, are you okay?

I’m fine, really.

Just don’t call an ambulance.

(Laughing)

Deal.

♪

SHARON: That night I had

another wild dream, with me

leading Maria up a mountain.

Which doesn’t make much sense.

Nice, huh?

I think this part was supposed

to be symbolic of Mother

Nature.

And all its weirdness.

Being in this new club felt

good and bad, all at the same

time.

(All laughing)

How could all these big-deal

things be happening to my body?

And then, boom, it’s like so

what?

Life goes on.

Big deal over.

♪

Except for my mother, of

course, who’s still trying to

capture this week on film.

I mean, even if I was

technically a woman now, what

did that really mean?

I still couldn’t vote or stay

out past 10.

And as well all know, I’ve

still only had one date in my

life.

I’m not even sure that one

counted.

Wow, I think that was the

deepest dream I’ve ever had.

And by the way, did you notice

Nina didn’t make a single

appearance?

♪